Heard a good one lately?: The Joke Thread

Indeed, hit me one more time.

 

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

 

The day I was born, Daddy Killick was drinking in a New York bar when he got a call at the bar phone. Hanging up, grinning from ear to ear, he ordered a round of drinks for everybody in the bar.

"Good news?" the bartender asked.
"Yep," responded dear old dad. "My wife just gave birth to a typical Killick baby boy. Ten fingers, ten toes. Twenty-five pounds."

Nobody could believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but my pop just shrugged. "That's about average for a Killick, fellas."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar, and the bartender immediately recognized him. "Say, you're the father of that kid that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you, so how much does he weigh now?"

So my dad answered: "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. Nay, concerned.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

Dad took a slow swig from his long-neck MooseHead Beer, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly explained, "Had him circumcised."

 

Hear about the whorehouse that burned down?

Some come a runnin' and some run a comin'.

 

Here about the Denver Broncos.

They picked Tim Tebow in the first round.

 

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick into your mouth.

 

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

 

My wife swears this is a true story, and I believe her. Too crazy not to be.

A co-worker teaches part-time at a junior college down on the Coast, and one of her fellow teachers is a Vietnam veteran who occasionally suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He's usually OK as long as he takes his meds, but every once in awhile, he goes off the deep end, so his family has a home-health nurse on call to look after him when he gets in these spells.

One morning, he calls his mother and tells her, "I caught a troll. It's in my closet; what do I do with him?" Mom figures son is just having one of those loopy moments, so she tells him just to feed and water the troll and she'll check up on him later.

Later that afternoon, he calls Mom again, and asks her again, "Really, Mom, what do I do with this troll that's in my closet?" Now, Mom is worried that he's off his meds and headed for another one of those freakouts, so she calls the home health nurse and asks her to go by and check on the son.

The nurse gets there, with all of her stuff, and asks the guy to show her this troll that he's caught, thinking it's just a figment of his imagination. She opens the closet door and a midget meter-reader comes running out in a panic. Apparently, he was checking the meters and the vet thought he was a troll. Poor guy had been locked in a closet for several hours.

Fortunately for the vet, the midget realized that while the guy was off his rocker, he was basically harmless and declined to press charges.

 

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: She can cook in the dark.

 

How did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in?

They went to see closed for the season.

 

I heard the same tale. Was this recently?