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Heard a good one lately?: The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by DanOregon, Aug 22, 2007.

  1. Chef

    Chef Active Member

    Guy goes to the local bar.

    Sign at the bar says "Best pet trick.....first prize $500"

    Guy goes home and drags back pet alligator and big stick.

    Everyone gathers around.

    Guy takes out stick and says "Gator, open your mouth" and slaps the gator on the snout.

    Gator opens his mouth...guy unzips his pants, puts his dick in gator's mouth.

    "Gator.....close your mouth"......snaps the gator on the snout with the stick.

    Gator closes his mouth.

    Few seconds go bye.

    Guy says "Gator.....open your mouth"

    Gator opens his mouth.

    Guy looks around the room......says "Now......does anyone else in this bar have enough balls to try that?"

    Gay guy at the end of the bar screams out......."Yeah, yeah I will......just don't hit me with that fucking stick!"
     
  2. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    A wealthy businessman, Jason, is throwing a party in a ritzy, white neighborhood. While he's at the store, he runs into Leroy, the token black dude, and invites him to an extravagant party at his house.

    While at the party, Jason makes an announcement: "In my pool, I've got a wild alligator," he said. "Anybody with the stones to jump in and wrestle the gator will get $1 million."

    Before Jason could finish, he heard a blig splash, and Leroy was fighting with the alligator. For 15 minutes, Leroy and the gator are flipping around, splashing, exchanging blows. Finally, Leroy beats the alligator and climbs out of the pool.

    Amazed, Jason says, "Dude, I can't believe that. Well, I'm a man of my word. Here's a check for $1 million."
    Leroy says, "Fuck that. I don't want your money."
    Jason: "Are you serious? I've got to give you something. How about $500,000?"
    Leroy: "Are you deaf? I don't want your money."
    Jason: "At least let me give you a car or stock options ... something?"
    Leroy: "No. I don't want it."
    Jason: "Well, there's got to be something you must want."
    Leroy: "Yeah. I want the name of the motherfucker that pushed me into the pool."
     
  3. I heard that one, except the last line was "He never heard the shot."
     
  4. joe

    joe Active Member

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
     
  5. daveevansedge

    daveevansedge Member

    This one's probably been around in variations, but ...

    Texan takes a vacation to Ireland. He walks into a local pub and loudly announces, "I hear you Irish can really drink. I'll bet $500 that nobody in here can put away 10 pints of Guinness, one after the other."
    Nobody takes him up on it, and one person leaves the pub.
    Thirty minutes later, the person who left returns to the pub and asks the cowboy, "Is your offer still good?" The Texan says yes, and the bartender lines up 10 glasses of Guinness. The Irishman proceeds to quickly down all 10 pints.
    The stunned cowboy says, "Well, I'm a man of my word, so here's your $500. But I saw you walk out after I first made the offer. Where did you go."
    Said the Irishman: "To the pub down the street. I wanted to make sure I could do it."
     
  6. markvid

    markvid Guest

    A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a bank robbery. Doctor says all 3 bullets are in each kid, but not to worry, no harm, they can lives their lives normally until the bullets come out.
    One day, 16 years later, one girl comes downstairs. crying, says "Mommy, I was peeing, and a bullet came out."
    Mom: "Don't worry honey, you are fine."
    Girl number 2 has the same thing happen 2 days later. Mom says she's fine.
    A week later, the mother hears a bang, a howl and a thud from her son's room. She goes racing upstairs, throws open the door to see her son with no pants on, a Penthouse in his one hand and a terrified look as he says "MOM, I SHOT THE DOG!"
     
  7. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

  8. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

    This one probably crosses a couple of lines, but ...

    And it's a visual, so play along.


    Why do chicks dig Jesus?

    'Cause he's hung like this *stretches arms*.
     
  9. Heck is for people who don't believe in gosh
     
  10. Diabeetus

    Diabeetus Active Member

    What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

    A: Ba-na-na-na! (you have to sing it)
     
  11. Chef

    Chef Active Member

    fixed.
     
  12. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    That's probably my favorite joke. I'm requested to tell it probably 30-40 times a year, no exaggeration. I usually lead with these two, however.

    What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

    Jesus walks into a motel, looks at the clerk, slams down three nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"


    Relax. I know where I'm going, too.
     
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