Heard a good one lately?: The Joke Thread

Heard this on the radio, Kinky Friedman told it, said he got it from Willie Nelson.

A guy goes to see his doctor. The doctor says, "you're going to have to stop masterbating."
The guys says "Why?"
The doctor says. "Because I'm about to start the examination."

 

Also from Willie Nelson, at the very end of the movie Beerfest:

Dad: "Son, you're going to have to stop masturbating or you'll go blind."

Son: "Dad, I'm over here."

 

What's the chance, at this very second, that Willie Nelson is killing a kitten?

 

Please, think of the kittens.

 

CI, delete that post. That's just disturbing man!

 

Michael Vick was just dropped by Nike as its spokesperson.




But he wasn't out of a shoe deal for long, as he was immediately signed by Hush Puppies.

 

In the same vein:

Michael Vick's sentence came down. They're giving him a year probation and community service at the local humane society. He'll be in charge of euthanasia.

 

Mr. Vick, your pending roommate is on the phone. Says his name is Dover. First name Ben ...

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the Driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

 

Do you know how to make a 90-year-old woman scream fuck?

Get another 90-year-old woman to scream BINGO

 

The Pope is in the shower having a wee wank when, as he's about to reach his Papal cliff, a member of the paparazzi appears out of nowhere and flashes a picture. The Pope, with a feeling of abject horror, demands that the paparazzi delete that photo.
"No way! This is my meal ticket," says the paparazzi. "This photo is worth a million bucks!"
"But," says the Pope, "this will tear down the Catholic church. I'll tell you what, I'll buy that camera for you for a million dollars."
"Deal."
So, out of the shower, the Pope is walking down the hallway and one of the nuns says, "Why Pope, that is one nice looking camera you have there."
"Thank you. I just bought it for a million dollars."
"Oh, well, whoever sold it to you must have seen you coming."