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headline and lede

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by ltrain1127, Aug 3, 2007.

  1. ltrain1127

    ltrain1127 Member

    This is for a girls golf preview I am doing for next week's paper. Just asking for input. Please be kind.

    Headline: 50-50-50-50 shot for success

    Adam Sandler once went on 50 first dates and there is a rapper out there who isn’t going for the whole dollar, but just for 50 Cent.
    Fifty is also the atomic number for tin. For Mukwonago’s girls golf team, 50 will be the atomic number for success.
    Fifth-year head coach Jay Christiansen says if the regulars in his lineup can break that threshold on a regular basis, the Indians could have the makings of a successful season.
    “Do I have five girls on a given day who can break 50?” Christiansen said. “Yeah. They should be thinking they’re not going to be happy with their day if they don’t break 50.”
  2. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    If he's got 5 girls, shouldn't the hed be "50-50-50-50-50 shot for success"?

    I think it's fine. Though it flirts with the cute.
  3. ltrain1127

    ltrain1127 Member

    well they play five, but keep four scores for their meets, so the coach is basically saying "let's shoot under 200 today."
  4. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    As long as that info follows not long after what you've got posted, I think it's fine.
  5. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    I thought the lead not only flirted with cute, it molested it. The whole opening threw me and I found myself wondering what the hell you were talking about. Props for trying something different, but I think you would be better off with a more straight-forward lede.

    I do like the headline though. Would get me to read it.
  6. Break 50? In what way...9 holes? I'm lost
  7. This confused the hell out of me, especially the whole 50 cent part.

    I think you're trying a bit too hard.
  8. I wit Superfly, but I do like Fitty cent
  9. ltrain1127

    ltrain1127 Member

    What if I lost Adam Sandler and 50 Cent and started it like:

    Fifty is the atomic number for tin, and also the melting point for Mukwonago's girls golf team.

    Yes, they play 9 holes in high school golf.
  10. Oh...OK. It's different in Texas.
  11. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    It still seems like it is coming a bit out of nowhere. It kind of sounds like you are trying to force a creative lede.
  12. ltrain1127

    ltrain1127 Member

    How about if I went with this:

    Mukwonago girls golf coach Jay Christiansen is thinking of a number.
    When the Indians open their season Friday at the ******* Invite, he is hoping each of his golfers can break through the 50-stroke barrier.
    He believes if they can do that on a consistent basis during nine-hole events, the Indians can be successful in a loaded ****** Conference, that could have as many as five teams reach the state meet in late September.
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