Have you ever...?

An old-time newspaper guy was telling me a story of one of his staffers covering some social event that a number of the local NHL team's players attended. the guy wrote a note in the story the next day saying, "Player X was there with his lovely wife Muffy, who looks to be expecting any day now."

The next day there was a note in the guy's box: "Player X called. His wife isn't pregnant."

 

That happened to my wife at my high school reunion. Mrs. Sciculuna had two C-sections, and hasn't totally lost all her babyweight (I still love her though). One of my former classmates, when I introduced the Mrs. to her, started congratulating us and asked the Mrs. when she was due. My wife, actually didn't get too upset.

 

That is when you pull a Ray Romano and fake a sneeze attack.

 

This is my favorite:

My wife's sister Sarah is a sweet girl, but she's a little loud and a little unaware. For instance, we were once playing pool with a bunch of black guys, and only the eight ball was left, and she says, lining up her shot, "I've got some unfinished bidness with blackey." I don't think she was even thinking about the situation we were in. I was looking for the nearest exit.

Anyway, the story. She had just started dating this guy who has since become her husband. Let's call him Bob. We were at my wife's family's cottage, and we were going swimming in the lake. Bob is a big guy. So he takes off his shirt, and he has pretty severe stretchmarks on his sides -- big red lines running up and down him like scars.

And Sarah shrieks, "Oh my God, what happened to you? Were you attacked by tigers? A bear? Did your parents torture you?"

Apparently, she hadn't yet seen him shirtless.

She wasn't making fun -- she was being serious. She had never seen anything like them, and she really was concerned that he had been abused or attacked at some point in his life. She would not stop -- and it's not like we could interject, "Sarah, it's because he's fat."

So he did.

"Sarah, it's because I'm fat."

I went swimming far away from shore.

And now they're living happily ever after.

 

I was attending a reunion, looking at a gaggle of women with whom I had went to college. I was surrounded by several of my friends - and (unbeknownst to me) a few other people.
"Heeeey, is that Mary Rottencrotch wearing a wedding ring," I said. "Jeez, I pity the poor the bastard who married that slut."
Guy next to me, turns and snarls, "That's my fucking wife!"


Not one of my finer moments.
I was lucky I didn't mouthful of fist.

 

I was playing Catch Phrase last summer, and my partner was a guy whose son had Down syndrome. Completely slipped my mind. So when my phrase was "Special Olympics," I said, "This is the athletic competition for retarded people."

Just as I'm saying "retarded people," I flash back to the pic of his son on the hutch near the table where we were playing. Never felt like such an ass. We won with that clue, and my partner coldly called it a night.

 

That's the moment of "oh crap" I was referring to.

 

... seen a llama wearing pajamas down by the bay?

Sorry, had to post it. Couldn't help it. Grew up on Raffi.

 

Here's mine:
Summer after my junior year of high school I'm at a concert. It was a cool night so I had my track jacket on. Someone I don't know asks me if I go to high school there, I say yes. He says "do you know Mrs. Smith" I say "yeah, but I hear she just got canned" (she was fired after just a year or two due to budget cutbacks). The person responds "She's my mother"

 

When I was in high school, our church group was on a trip. As we're pulling into a Burger King, I notice we're pulling into a handicapped spot (we're all in one big van). This parking in a handicapped spot is one of my pet peeves, I heckle our driver.

"Hey, you're not handi-e-eeeeeeee" as in midword, I notice that we have brought our spina bifida stricken student on her first youth church outing. Fortunately, she didn't hear me, but I still felt like I could be stomped by a smurf.

 

First job out of college. Just finished interviewing a bunch of juco baseball players. They notice my throwback two-tone Orioles cap.

One says, 'You remember Jeff Ballard?'

Quickly remembering Jeff Ballard (but neglecting his stellar '89 campaign, for some reason), I blurt out, 'Oh man. He sucked.'

The guy kindly, quietly responds, '...oh. He was my high school coach.'

That's the last time I wore that cap on assignment anywhere. God knows when I'd run into Craig Worthington's kid or something.