Hard Rock Park

The line for that one takes something like 12 years.

 

Elvis skeet shooting: Hit three TVs, win all the peanut butter and banana sandwiches you can handle.

 

Actually, that would be the ride that's always closed for refurbishing.

 

Lackluster reporting -- did not address whether this fine park sells beer !

 

And the line takes forever because they keep switching operators.

I'll add...
• The Milli Vanilli Death Drop - A slow, gentle parachute ride that turns into a freefall ride halfway through. Riders will hear the first half of the boarding instructions on an endless loop.
• The Nickelback Coaster - A roller coaster with only one hill, but riders go over it 15 times per ride.

 

Oh fuck, is that funny.

The country section of the park will have a George Jones car ride.

 

Outstanding.

 

I bow in your general direction.

 

Kevin Federline's cash grab: Snatch as many dollar bills as you can out of Britney Spears' mini golf hole-sized mouth.

Prizes include stained wife beater, convenience store-quality condoms and 4.3 minutes in the Rock Park studios to record your own rap album.

 

I actually went there a couple weeks ago. TOTAL RIP-OFF. Led Zeppelin was the only decent ride in the park. Everything else there was second-rate. $50 a pop. The other coasters are geared towards little kids and just about everything else was forgetable. Do yourselves a favor and go to Broadway on the Beach, a Pelicans game, one of the million mini-golf parks (for lack of a better term right now) and -- of course -- the beach.

To keep with the current theme:

Ted Nugent's Tazer Tag & Firing Range: the vests that you were give the patron a mild electrical shock every time you are "shot." At the range, gun control advocates and flung into the sky while you take aim with a 12-gauge.

R. Kelly's Water Sports Park: that strange scent you smell ISN'T chlorine.

Michael Jackson's Thriller: Boys older than 13 and all women are not admitted.

 

So it was like Lollapalooza then?

 

Tunnel of Love -- Bret Michaels takes a turn with all passengers.