Happy to see me, or is that just a screwdriver in your @**?

Man removes sharp hand tool from rear at gunpoint
By Karl Fischer
Contra Costa Times
(MCT)
EL CERRITO, Calif. — Police arrested a naked man caught masturbating on a bicycle path Thursday after officers and firefighters stood guard while he removed a sharp tool from his rectum.
“The Fire Department had determined that he would need to go to the hospital to have it removed,” El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan said. “But when he heard what they were talking about he said, ‘Hey, don’t worry about it. I can do it.” ’
Mindful that a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape could be used as a weapon, officers kept their weapons trained on 33-year-old John Sheehan throughout the delicate operation.
Sheehan went quietly afterward, without explanation.
Passers-by called police about 7:50 a.m. to report a naked man lying on a tree stump beside the Ohlone Greenway path, exposing himself and masturbating. Police saw Sheehan and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure.
Officers led him to the nearest street. Before putting Sheehan in the back of his car, Sgt. Paul Keith asked the suspect if he had anything on him that police should know about.
Sheehan said he had hidden a “screwdriver” in his anal cavity, Horgan said.
Unsure about what to do, police called for a fire engine. Firefighters quickly offered the opinion that emergency room staff were better equipped to deal with the situation. Sheehan interceded before an ambulance was called.
Sheehan paroled from state prison last week and listed an address in Pittsburg, Calif., Horgan said. Police booked him into County Jail in Martinez, Calif., on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon.

 

I don't know why, but this line cracked me up.

Earth to cops -- Dude had a fucking screwdriver in his ass, not a blow torch. What the hell was the fire department going to do about it?

I wonder if the firemen started driving to the scene, and about halfway said to themselves, "What the hell are doing? What exactly can we DO about this? Lazy ass cops, they can have this shit detail. Let's go home, folks."

 

I had the same reaction. Thought maybe the fire dept. kept the "Jaws of Life" tool with them to use for delicate extractions. Also, the fact that he just last week was released from prison helps reconcile the shoving of a screwdriver up one's ass a.) because you've had worse there and b.) because you might need to smuggle weapons in for protection.

 

Maybe they had a sump pump?

 

I hope Rescue Me steals this and uses it next season.

 

1.) Jaws and rectum in the same thought line is really weirding me out

2.) How did he keep the vodka and orange juice from spilling?

2a.) Ew, that would burn, wouldn't it?

 

Fireman: So what was the emergency? It looks like all you have is a naked man.
Policeman: Yeah, well, he has a screwdriver up his ass.
F: Okay. And...
P: Well, we thought you guys would know what to do.
F: Why?
P: I don't know.
F: When you think of tools up other peoples asses do you automatically think of firemen?
P: Hey, don't get snippy. I just thought you guys know what to do in situations like this.
F: You didn't think a hospital could help? No, firemen know all about this, of course. They must shove stuff in their ass on a daily basis!

 

You know, the writer who actually had to commit that story to words must have been thinking, "Four years at an Ivy League school for this?"

Someone sends me out on that story, and I get there and see exactly what's going on, I think I'm laughing for about two hours before I can even compose myself.

 

In the year 2040, Fischer will no doubt be telling his grandkids, "Back when I was a police reporter in Contra Costa, there was this guy who got caught playing with his willy and insderting hand tools ..."

 

Cat stuck in tree = screwdriver stuck in guy's ass

???

 

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk ...
all that junk up in your trunk?

 

Brilliant idea. Can you imagine the fun Denis Leary could have with that story?