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Happy Rosh Hashanah....

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Vic Mackey, Sep 20, 2006.

  1. Vic Mackey

    Vic Mackey Member

  2. Football_Bat

    Football_Bat Well-Known Member

    Looks like Rosh Hashanah was a little too enjoyable for Mel.

    Three toots on the Shofar in salute.
  3. heyabbott

    heyabbott Well-Known Member

    L'Shana Tova to all.

    Remeber to dip your apple into some honey for a sweet New Year
  4. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    aking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the
    house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead,
    this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

    For ordinary sins, use White Bread
    For exotic sins, French Bread
    For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
    For complex sins, Multi-grain
    For twisted sins, Pretzels
    For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
    For sins of indecision, Waffles
    For sins committed in haste, Matzah
    For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
    For sins of chutzpah, Bread that's fresh
    For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
    For committing arson, Toast
    For committing auto theft, Caraway
    For being ill tempered, Sourdough
    For silliness, Nut Bread
    For not giving full value, Shortbread
    For jingoism,Yankee Doodles
    For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
    For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
    For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
    For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
    For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
    For immodest dressing, Tarts
    For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
    For promiscuity, Hot Buns
    For racism, Crackers
    For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
    For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
    For being holier than thou, Bagels
    For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
    For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
    For trashing the environment, Dumplings
    For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
    For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
    For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
    For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
    For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
    For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
    For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
    For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

    Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
  5. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    >>>> > MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day
    >>>> > wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a
    >>>> > Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
    >>>> > "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like
    >>>> > a putzel...eh?"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor
    >>>> > sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
    >>>> > "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
    >>>> > and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
    >>>> > "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on
    >>>> > the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
    >>>> > night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about
    >>>> > his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
    >>>> > mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his
    >>>> > years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot
    >>>> > listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him
    >>>> > of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends.
    >>>> > They both went to sleep.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while,
    >>>> > saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing,
    >>>> > and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went
    >>>> > out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The
    >>>> parrot
    >>>> > wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn
    >>>> > to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching
    >>>> > the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count
    >>>> on
    >>>> > the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about
    >>>> > to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
    >>>> > that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
    >>>> > argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless
    >>>> > to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by
    >>>> > everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird
    >>>> > into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let
    >>>> > him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds)
    >>>> > that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew,
    >>>> etc.
    >>>> > All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
    >>>> on
    >>>> > Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep
    >>>> > from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder
    >>>> and
    >>>> > mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Nothing.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking
    >>>> > at you!" Nothing.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed
    >>>> > his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
    >>>> > home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the
    >>>> > temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a
    >>>> > lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird,
    >>>> > you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your
    >>>> tfillin
    >>>> > and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and
    >>>> > the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh
    >>>> > Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the
    >>>> > odds on Yom Kippur!"
  6. Songbird

    Songbird Well-Known Member

    Anyone wanna blow a shofar with me?
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