Happy Festivus!

Maybe you're not such a bad guy after all. ...

That sounds fucking cool. My sister was a big fan of that show when it came out, and I really dug the "Don't whiz on the electric fence" jingle. If I was about 10 years older at the time, I could see myself doing something similar to that. But I don't think I'd be creative enough to create the concoctions. That sounds awesome.

 

I wouldn't dare. I'm just wondering why that little girl looks like she's about to impale that little boy in front of her.

 

"I've been doing a lot of thinking. This could be my chance to give something back. I think I could be a philanthropist. A kick-ass philanthropist! I would have all this money and people would love me. Then, they would come to me and beg. And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they'd owe me big time! The first thing I'm going to need is a driver ..."

 

i think all of her clothes were dirty that morning so she simply slipped into an odd-shaped bell of sorts.

 

I am looking forward to the recap Mike. Sounds like a blast.

 

Oh, it was. ...

As most of you know from the often pointless stories I post, I am very close with my friends -- much more than I am with my family. So we all -- 10 of us from the hometown, including one out-of-area girlfriend (you know the kind, though: She's been dating your friend for a few years and has become part of the gang) -- get together one time of year, which happens to be on Festivus. With all but one of us living out of the area -- and out of the state -- for most of the year, it's tough to get together. So what better day to hang out than Festivus?

Unfortunately, only three of us are very devoted Seinfeld fans. The rest of the crew know the show and can recite some lines and recognize some scenes, which often helps keep the conversation interesting -- if only for us. This year, however, was a bit different. While we were congregating in New York, my best friend of almost two decades is spending the holidays in California and another was in Florida. And I knew this around Thanksgiving, so I planned accordingly.

As much as I hated going more overboard than ever without my best friend -- and the biggest Seinfeld I know -- at the celebration, I felt it was in the best interest of the group that I do something to distract them from his absence. So I bought the Festivus pole, made three "Festivus Yes!/Bagels No!" signs, printed off Human Fund cards I saw on this lovely site and distributed them out to everyone in attendance -- eight people -- but my brother's new girlfriend (he was a late entry and she was a game-time decision).

But I'm getting ahead of myself. ...

When we were home for college breaks, we'd congregate at our favorite sports bar and get wings and the biggest nacho platter I've ever seen in my life, called "Macho Nachos": It's a towering platter of nachos with all the trimmings -- minus guacamole (regardless of how much they've got in the freezer ...) -- served on a 2-foot by 1-foot plate. My brother-in-law once bet me I couldn't finish it before an entire football game ended, and I did it before the first half finished. Then I almost yacked and didn't eat for the next 18 hours. And since then, it's become my standard meal. So every time we meet up again, we go back there.

I picked up some beer last night and headed over to the bar to get things ready. I moved two tables together and placed 10 chairs around them. The waitress came over to me, while I was sitting comfortably at the head of the table, to take my beer order. She came back with a couple pitchers and said, "I just want to let you know that we're out of chicken wings, nacho cheese. ... The list didn't end there, but I was done listening. I shook it off and said, "Well, that's why I came here, but OK."

One by one, everyone comes into the place and we have a good, two-hour dinner filled with laughs and conversation. Everyone was pissed about the lack of selection, but what are you going to do? To quell the craving for the Macho Nachos and wings, we made fun of my brother in front of his new girlfriend and took turns ripping on each other; it's our version of our airing of grievances. Not quite the same, but no one walks away with hurt feelings. The bill comes and it's $85 and my buddy Mike tells me I've "got to cover" him. I was short-changed by the group, but a $50 hit -- with tip -- isn't too bad when everyone is having fun.

So they retreated back to my parents' house, and I stayed to tell Mike goodbye. Once I got into my car, I had to call my friend Lunchbox -- think Kevin Smith movies -- to make sure everyone was waiting for me to get to the house so I could see their reactions to the signs and the pole, in particular, my friend Jason -- he's No. 3 in the Seinfeld Rankings, just below me and my best friend.

So I grabbed my 18-pack of Coors Light from my car, and Jason grabbed an 18-pack -- which was my Festivus present -- from his car. Then I led everyone down the stairs, making sure Jason was the last to follow. Again, one by one, everyone walked in and smiled ear to ear. They laughed at what they saw -- a 6-foot, aluminum pole (with no tinsel) standing across from the Christmas tree; my parents bought me Season 9 so I could show "The Strike," but they refused to relocate the tree. Jason was the lest one down, and his face lit up; it was probably what his parents saw each Christmas morning for his first 10 years. That, alone, made it worth the $50 for the pole.

I told them all about how long I've been planning the day and they were stunned that I was able to keep a secret for as long as I did. Then we watched "The Strike" so everyone knew what the night was about and that they'd understand the "Human Fund" cards when they opened them. Twenty-three minutes later, we began quoting the entire episode again while I handed out gifts for everyone -- except my brother's new girlfriend (eh). They opened the cards at the same time and laughed uncontrollably.

Everyone opened their gifts, drank their beers and had a great time. Then Jason and I competed in the Feats of Strength -- a best-of-seven World Series on Ken Griffey Presents Major League Baseball; he was Oakland and I was Seattle. Mike Bordick, Ruben Sierra and Mark McGwire got the best of Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey and Jay Buhner (Ken Phelps?) for a 4-2 win. And after a few more rounds of beers, the 2007 chapter of Festivus was finished.

It was a great time and well worth the $250-plus I threw down.

 

Thanks Mike. Great stuff!

 

Thanks, sir. It was my pleasure.

 

good god, do i get an invite next year?

 

Everyone can get an invite for next year's bash, sir. Everyone.

 

well that kinda takes the fucking edge off just a bit.

 

Everyone can get an invite. Not everyone will.