Happy Birthday, Piotr!!!!

Happy birthday man, may the running Weekend at Bernies sequel in Oakland end, and the Raiders return to prominence.

 

LT and I wish you a happy birthday.

 

Yeah, that one extra click can really wear you out. I understand.

 

My laziness knows no bounds.

 

Happy Birthday to a good guy, and one with exceptional musical tastes.

 

Happy Birthday, ya big lug.

 

Happy Birthday Pitor!

;D I know how nuts that makes you.

Piotr.

 

"I am not a number! I am a ... hey this party kind of rocks.

"Be seeing you on your birthday, Rasputin."

 

Happy birthday to one of the good guys... And a huge dork!

Have a good one, man.

 

Phil Jackson: Kobe, Tex and I have talked it over and we want you to be more of a distributor tonight at Piotr's birthday party. Make sure everyone's drinks are filled, that the appetizers are being circulated, and that everyone feels a sense of belonging. And remember, to a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.

Kobe: Coach, I respect you, but I think Piotr's party will be way more fun if I just make sure I get as much to drink and eat as I want first, and make sure all my favorite songs get played on the iPod, and then try to get Piotr and everyone else involved.





Jackson: Kobe, that is unfortunate. I wish you'd understand that the quieter you become, the more you are able to hear. Did you even read the copy of Corelli's Mandolin that I gave you during training camp? It's a story about a soldier who must sacrifice individual accomplishments for the good of his comrades.





Kobe: Sorry Phil. I didn't read it. I was actually thinking about giving it to Piotr as a birthday gift, but Vanessa burned it because she doesn't let me keep books in the house.





Vanessa: If anyone so much as looks at my husband during Piotr's party, I will gut them with a goddamn cocktail fork. I'm not even fucking kidding. I don't even give a fuck. And if Vanessa Williams is there with Rick Fox, I'll choke her out and tell her how much Ugly Betty's gone downhill this season. Swear to fucking God!





Shaq: Hello everyone. Sorry I am late to Piotr's party. Doctors told me had to get my big toe operated on six months ago, but I waited until 45 minutes before the party started because I'm not going to get cut open on "my time." Also, I was having a three-way with Serena Williams and Cindy Crawford. Damn. Sorry I'm so heavy. I don't think I can fit through the front door. Why doesn't Piotr just move his party outside where I've already set up camp, because if the Big Dog doesn't get fed, he won't guard the yard. Lastly, can I just point out, for no real reason other than it's a fact, that this party would be way more fun if Tracy McGrady took over for Kobe on the grill.





Bill Plaschke: Whether Shaq is right or not isn't important.

You can't have a birthday party for Piotr without him.

Just the other day I was talking to a grizzled old scout at a girl's softball game between Compton High and Crenshaw High.

He said Shaq's parties are still superior to Kobe's.

Always trust a grizzled scout.

There is wisdom in every wrinkle.





Pau Gasol: ¡Piotr! ¡Hola! ¡Feliz cumpleaños a tí! I want to tell you, I bought you a mint condition copy of the first ever X-Men comic, but it got a little crowded on the metro and I dropped it when someone brushed up against me in traffic. Lo siento.





Jordan: This party isn't nearly as good as the ones we used to have, coach. Remember at Piotr's high school graduation when I punched John Paxon? Those were good times.

Jackson: Mike, I agree. After you give Piotr your best, come find me and Jeannie. She wants to know if you're interested in trading Emeka Okafor for Chris Mihm and $90,000 in chips at Mandalay Bay.

Jordan: That sounds fair. Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a couple of chubby white girls from SportsJournalists.com I'd like to talk to. (Humming to self) Sometimes I dream, that I am me...





Derek Fisher: (out of breath) Coach! Vanessa just threatened to put an ice pick in Piotr's ear because Shaq said he overheard Piotr telling Kobe he would prefer if Kobe didn't have sex with the maid in the tool shed. And then Karl Malone was like "I love crazy Mexican girls." Should I stand on a chair, yell out "TIME OUT" and get everyone to calm down?





Jackson: Fish, I'm a big believer that these situations tend to resolve themselves if you just let everyone play through it. But if Piotr dies, snap some photos with your iPhone for my next book, will you? I think I'll call it, If Kobe's Wife Did It: Dial M for Murder on Piotr's Birthday





Vanessa: Kobe, I'm just going to ask you once. Did you have sex with the cute maid in Piotr's toolshed?

Kobe: She wasn't that cute.

Vanessa: You son of a bitch. How the fuck are you going to make this up to me? I'll tell you how, you piece of shit. I want you to buy one of Piotr's kidneys so I can wear it as a necklace.

Kobe: Done.

Vanessa: I love you!





Magic: Guys, Piotr is looking preeeeety sleepy. We should all go watch a replay of the 1986 Finals at one of my many urban movie theaters.





Barkley: That's the dumbest idea I ever heard, Magic. Instead, let's steal Piotr's keys, a bottle of Hennessy and play mailbox baseball. C'mon, I'll drive!




(Several hours later, at 3 a.m., Piotr is woken to someone pounding on the door.)

Thump, thump, thump! Thump, thump, thump!











Shaq: Hey Piotr, this is Officer Yao Ming outside. I wanted to say Happy Birthday in Chinese. Chong, ching, ni how, bang, chow, chong!


-30-

 

Holy fucking shit.

I am in awe.

 

Wow. I salute you, sir.