Happy Birthday, Buckweaver!

that ain't what she said. 8)

 

Who, Morganna?

 

Indeed, they are.

 

I hope those guys (Smith, in particular...at least Avery had a couple great years before his arm fell off) can exploit their spot in that rotation for some easy card show money.

They're like the Braves' version of Vinnie Vincent and Mark St. John (hi Junkie!).

 

Kent Mercker was no slouch, either.

 

you guys do know buck is sexually stimulated by small rodents, don't you?

 

Who isn't?

 

touche.

 

Somewhere up in heaven?, Iowa?, the great beyond...




John Lennon: Oh bloody hell, fuck, piss, wanker.





George Harrison: What the bugger is going on there, Johnny boy?





Lennon: I just realized it's buckweavers birthday, and I forgot to tell Yoko to get him something.





Harrison: Do you think he'd like a copy of Sitar Hero? It's like ... the worst-selling video game ever, and the executor of my estate has like 40,000 left-over copies sitting in a warehouse in Leeds. We could say it's from the both of us. A collaboration, of sorts.





Lennon: No offense, George, but bollocks to that. I'm pretty sure buckdub likes rock and roll, not bloody Spanish waltz music.







Charles Comiskey: Ha! I told buck when he turned 30, I would give him $10,000. Little does he know, I've altered his birth certificate to insure this never happens.






Chick Gandil: Mr. Comiskey, it would be a real shame if a bunch of innocent people got caught up in a nefarious plot to teach you a lesson at buckweaver's birthday party this year.





Kurt Cobain: Everybody chill out. I got him a totally sweet t-shirt. Check it out.









Kenesaw Mountain Landis: That's it! All of you sons of a bitches are permanently banned from sending buck a birthday present! I don't care who's guilty and who isn't! The integrity of the man's birthday will be upheld! As long as there are no black people there, everything should be fine!



Meanwhile, back on earth....




Sid Bream: Man, what a great birthday party this is. I ran as fast as I freaking could trying to get here on time. It is amazing I was able to get here before Barry Bonds, because I am almost as slow as horse and buggy.





John Rocker: Yeah, or the No. 7 train when it's running late and loaded up with purple-haired queers who don't speak English.





Jeff Pearlman: So buck, just to be clear again, this entire birthday party is on the record, right?





Chipper Jones: What's up, all you cocksmokers! Happy birthday, buck! I brought a whole shitload of chicken wings from Hooters that I left in the kitchen. No charge! I know a gal there, and she'll keep it quiet. Guaranteed.





Leo Mazzone: I think it's about time someone changed the music, don't you Bobby? Farnsworth is really wearing out this Fleetwood Mac album. I recommend we bring in Bernero or Kolb and have one of 'em play Live's Throwing Copper. At least before Lance Berkman gets here. That dude is dangerous.

Bobby Cox: Do you think I could get myself thrown out of this party? I bet I could.





Rick Reilly: Hey buck, you know who the original Slumdog Millionaire is? Allen Iverson! I mean seriously! The guy is tougher than a two dollar steak! I'd rather let Deion Sanders remove my wisdom teeth than get in a bowling alley brawl with that guy, am I right?





John Smoltz: Guys, you know what we should do? We should make a pact right now that we'll be friends with buckweaver for life, and that we'll never go searching elsewhere for friendships that might be more financially beneficial, but less rewarding in the long run.

Maddux: (Silence)

Glavine: (Silence)





Gene Banks: Wait a minute ... How did I get here? I can't even explain why I was invited to this party.




Sarah Palin: In what respect, Gene Banks?





Gene Banks: I mean, it's like I'm here just randomly, like people have come to expect that I'll be at these things. I mean, I don't even know how buck and I are connected. Whose birthday parties do you usually attend, Governor?





Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, all of 'em. Every birthday is like a celebration of another baby who wasn't aborted!





Gene Banks: No offense woman, but you're as crazy as a dinosaur.





Carl Everett: Who the fuck said something 'bout a dinosaur? It's a lie! A mutherfucking lie! The bones was put here to trick us!





Sarah Palin: I totally agree, Carl!





Tom Glavine: Hey buck, um ... I actually just burned down your neighbor's house while I was cooking steaks on the grill. Yeah, it's totally fucking destroyed. I know it was a shitty thing to do, but whatever, it's not my house and it's not what people will remember about me, so in the end, I don't really care. We're still cool, right?





Yoko Ono: BUCKWEAVER! I AM HERE TO DELIVER YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT! IT IS A FOUR HOUR OPERA OF SHRIEKING THAT HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE MIGRANES! I HOPE THIS IS NOT A CONCERN FOR YOU OR YOUR GUESTS! LET IT BEGIN! LAALALALLA! LALALLLL! LAAAAAALAL!!!!! EOOOLALAYOULA!





George Carlin: My god. I'm a ghost and my ears are still fucking bleeding. Does anyone want to help me take this chick out in back and help reunite her and Mr. All You Need is Love? I say fuck giving peace a chance. For a change, let's give a beating a chance.





Will Hunting: Hey Yoko, how you like them apples?

 

I have absolutely no idea why this is my favorite line in the whole thing...but it is.

 

Goddamn, you are amazing. Thank you.

 

I heart Double Down. And his version of Carlin.