Greeting cards: WTF?

I admit, I'm a guy, so I'm not a big greeting card shopper. But these new ones are just bizarre.

http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article|10001|10051|/HallmarkSite/GoldCrownStores/gc_journey_tp|stores (via Gawker)

Infertility

I wish I could make things happen for you the way you want them to. I know how much a child would mean to you.

I'm still hoping and believing for you...and keeping you in my heart.

Losing your job

I'm sorry you lost your job, but please remember that your job is not who you are. You have many great qualities, and that's what really matters.

So until someone appreciates your unique abilities, I hope you'll take pride in all you've accomplished and realize how much you have yet to give.

Other available cards

• Eating disorder
• Divorce
• Post-partum depression
• Losing your hair from treatments

 

(sitting back with a nice hot cup of tea, waiting for hilarity to ensue...)

 

I'm speechless.

But I'll think of something.

For guys:

"Getting punched out in a bar fight".

"Striking out at the company picnic baseball game'.

"Shrinkage".

 

Shrinkage

I know your tool's more like a fire hose than anything else. Believe me, I know.

But at the company swimming party (WHOSE FUCKING IDEA WAS THAT? WE'RE JOURNALISTS, FOR GOD'S SAKE), ahem, in the icy pool at the company swimming party, your once-mighty wonder-wurst shrank to the size of a Vienna sausage...and at that same time, your bathing trunks clung to you in a fashion far from flattering.

I'm sorry about your small dick about the shrinkage effect. Don't worry. In fact, I just got a spam email that might interest you...

 

How about a card for when the soldiers don't show up for battle?

Or premature ejaculation. "While you only gave me eight seconds, they were the most wonderful eight seconds of the day."

In semi-serious news, do any other men hate--HATE--shopping for cards for their mom and, particularly, dad? Good God I hate it. Seems like the only cards available either allude to a contentious, uncommuncative (sp) past--these can be summarized in "I don't talk to you much but I think about you"--or are completely sappy, like "You carried me in your womb for nine months and I cannot describe the love I feel for you as a result." Or for the fathers: "You are my father, my hero, the man I measure myself against in everything."

Nothing in between.

Fuck, who wants to give a dad a card that sappy? Men don't need to say that stuff. It's all in the handshake anyway.

 

As always, brilliant.

 

Make your own, then:

http://desktoppub.about.com/od/cards/ht/greetingcard.htm

 

Gambling issues:

COVER: We know you blew so much money with you book that your wife left you, your kids won't go to college and your car was impounded. Then, when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you decided to sell rock. Basically, you're the dumbest motherfucker on the planet.
INSIDE: But hey, I still love you. Plus you make my life seem easier.

 

ON YOUR INCARCERATION

I know you didn't mean to do it
Anyone can forget to file tax returns
For fifteen years.

Enjoy your break from suits and ties, traffic jams, long lines at the bank.
You've earned it.

(Inside)

Also, your wife says I can borrow your golf clubs.

 

MENOPAUSE

We've been through a lot of ups and downs together,
But we've come through them all -- together.

Now we've reached another challenge,
Although I'm certain we'll get past it ...

(Inside)

But, darling, can you please stop telling me to go fuck myself?

 

YOUR FIRST PERIOD

Time goes by in the blink of an eye
It seems just like yesterday we were bringing you home for the first time

Now the whole school is calling you Lady Red Pants
This is your first step towards womanhood

(inside)

We'll have you on the pill next week.

 

We have a winner.