Greatest movie/TV insults of all time

Almost to a second page, and no Deadwood?

"Here's my counter offer to your counter offer - go *fuck* yourself!" - Al Swearengen

"Any more gunplay gets answered. You call the law in Sampson, you don't get to call it off just cause you're liquored up and popular on payday. " - Seth Bullock

"Sayin' questions in that tone and pointin' your finger at me will get you told to fuck yourself. " - Cy Tolliver

"I've been called worse by better." - Sol Star

"Those who doubt me suck cock by choice." - Tom Nuttall

 

Goddammit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good!

 

FYI - the term is four-flushing

 

75% of the shit that came out of Eastwood's mouth in Gran Torino.

 

"Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!"

 

Maybe it's not exactly an insult, but I'm partial to "Shut the fuck up, Donnie."

 

One each from my two favorite sitcoms:

Cheers: The great episode with coach and his daughter, whose fiance is only planning to marry her so he can get a good sales territory. Coach convinces her to drop the bum and she dispatches him with "You don't get Pennsylvania, and you don't get me. You just get more and more obnoxious."

MASH: First season, Trapper is goaded into fighting in the army boxing tournament and is training by using Frank's duffel as a heavy bag. Then Hot Lips comes over. Hot Lips: "Is that Frank's bag." Trapper: "I thought you were Frank's bag." Loretta Swit's expression, looking like she's about to break out in tears as she stomps away, is priceless.

 

From Taxi:
Louie is trying to get Elaine to go out with him. She had just turned in her fares and he was holding out her receipt, which is pointing straight out.
He says: "We do, or I tell everybody we did."
She says: You do, and I tell everybody you couldn't." And the paper receipt goes limp.

 

Neal (to Del): You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They're not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith, he's got some amusing anecdotes for you. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!


Del: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal: I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal: You know what'd make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?


Cab Dispatcher: Chicago? Don't you know you're in St. Louis? Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.
Neal: If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

 

Clifford Worley: You're Sicilian, huh?
Coccotti: Yeah, Sicilian.
Clifford Worley: Ya know, I read a lot. Especially about things... about history. I find that shit fascinating. Here's a fact I don't know whether you know or not. Sicilians were spawned by n***ers.
Coccotti: Come again?
Clifford Worley: It's a fact. Yeah. You see, uh, Sicilians have, uh, black blood pumpin' through their hearts. Hey, no, if eh, if eh, if you don't believe me, uh, you can look it up. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, uh, you see, uh, the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are n***ers.
Coccotti: Yes...
Clifford Worley: So you see, way back then, uh, Sicilians were like, uh, wops from Northern Italy. Ah, they all had blonde hair and blue eyes, but, uh, well, then the Moors moved in there, and uh, well, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin' with Sicilian women, huh? That they changed the whole bloodline forever. That's why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin. You know, it's absolutely amazing to me to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, that, uh, that Sicilians still carry that n***er gene. Now this...
[Coccotti busts out laughing]
Clifford Worley: No, I'm, no, I'm quoting... history. It's written. It's a fact, it's written.
Coccotti: [laughing] I love this guy.
Clifford Worley: Your ancestors are n***ers. Uh-huh.
[Starts laughing, too]
Clifford Worley: Hey. Yeah. And, and your great-great-great-great grandmother fucked a n***er, ho, ho, yeah, and she had a half-n***er kid... now, if that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? 'Cause you, you're part eggplant.

 

"Freud would have a field day with you" -- The Brain to Pinky

 

Norton: *She* used to call *you* her little buttercup?
Ralph: Yeah! What's so funny about that, Norton?
Norton: You were a little cup of butter; now you're a whole tub of lard!