Go F**K yourself, 2008

I know there are a couple New Years threads already, so please forgive this one.

Before Monday, 2008 was already my worst fucking year ever--lapping several times 1989, the year Night Ranger broke up. My brother-in-law's dad died. I lost my job. In August, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, right around the time the husband of mom's best friend--someone I've known for nearly 30 years--was diagnosed with lung cancer.

As the months dragged on and mom and our family friend underwent chemo and the bad news in the industry and worldwide kept piling up, I just wanted 2009 to get here, figuring maybe the fresh start would be symbolic and maybe things would turn around.

Then, on Monday, my mom--who was told in August that if you're going to get a cancer, hers was the one to get since it was quite curable--was told that the cancer had spread to her spine, abdomen, neck and ribs. The 75 pct cure rate is now 10 pct. Happy fucking New Year. Score another one for the incompetent doctors of America. (sorry DocTalk, I'm just venting)

Over the last 48 hours, I've had conversations I never envisioned, like my sister and I having a mutual crisis of faith as we wonder about the existence of God and how He could punish our mom.

Selfish? Maybe. But my mom is the greatest person I'll ever know. She goes to church every week. She lives by the letter of the Bible. She sacrifices everything to be the rock of our family--and a wonderful mother to us and wonderful wife to my dad. She eats well, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, rarely curses. She could count on one hand the number of days she's missed work over the previous 19 years. And now she's 61 and I fear she won't make it to 62. I'm sure He understands that I'm furious.

And I'm kicking myself for so many things. I should have been at home with my sister when the news was delivered. Instead, I'm sitting here like a pud and she's having the group cry with my parents as they try to come to grips with a likely death sentence.

I'm also kicking myself for spending so much time pissing and moaning over completely irrelevant, stupid shit. I would trade everything I have and everything I've done and every complaint over the possibility that I might have to get a Real Job and every "Fuck you Matt Schaub, you injury-prone wanker" and every stupid argument I've ever had here for a clean bill of health for her.

I long planned to make a GFY2008 post, bellow "GO FUCK YOURSELF 2008" at the stroke of midnight and follow Cranberry's advice and chuck a bucket of water out the back door, but I'm no longer confident 2009 will be any better.

I hope I'm wrong, and I hope that 2009 brings better days for all of us.

http://music.aol.com/video/better-days/goo-goo-dolls/1432796

 

It sucks to hear what you and your family are going through, man. Your friends are thinking about you.

 

You go, BYH.

If it helps at all, you are not alone with your sentiments. Not by a long shot.

 

Love you, babe. I can't imagine having a year 1/10th of what you've had, and yet you've remained so strong through all of it.

Your friendship is one of the gifts of my life, and anything I can do, now or forever, to help you ... I hope you know all you need do is ask.

 

My most sincere and humble prayers and warm thoughts for you and your family.

I'm hoping for you and all of us to have a better 2009, too

 

It's gotta be better, right? I'll try and take the lessons the year offered me and be smarter with my money, value what is really important in my life and figure out what I can do better.

2008. I break with thee, I break with thee, and then I throw dog poop on your shoes.

 

Wow, BYH. Cannot compare, and for that alone, I should be eternally grateful.

If you need to vent or whatever, I'm here. I'm sure others are, too.

As much as I want to contribute to the "Go Find Yourself" theme, it will look unbelievably trivial next to this. Really petty and trivial ...

 

Sorry to hear that, man. You and your family will be in my prayers. No one deserves that.

 

You know, bud, I'm damn glad 2009 is a couple hours away just for your sake.

 

Man, Beej. I had no idea things were that bad. I hope things can somehow improve for you and your family.

As for the sentiments of this thread, I completely agree. This year included being robbed at gunpoint, having one of my best friends raped in my apartment, having my car totaled and taking a completely healthy dog to be put down. While that doesn't come close to comparing to your shitty year, I also would like to tell 2008 to go fuck itself.

 

Amen, brother...

 

The question of how a just God can allow suffering is an ancient one, and I don't expect to say anything new on the topic. Of course, theologians and secular philosophers alike have written plenty on the topic over the millennia, though I doubt you're in the mood for a heavy text right now.

My own view is that God created a material universe with material beings and that we're all subject to the limitations and suffering that come with inhabiting a material body. We, collectively, don't get to experience the joy of life as a human without experiencing the pain as well. It's an indissoluble set of circumstances, this matter of souls being borne about in mortal bodies. If you're a Christian (and I don't know if you are, so this might be tangential), it's worth noting that God chose to subject Himself to physical suffering and death, too.

In any case, it's deeply infuriating to contemplate the agony of innocents while vile people enjoy health and comfort, but that's an inevitable injustice, it seems, in a material universe. It's ok, I think anyway, to embrace this anger as it comes. Although eventually the anger will need to be balanced and tempered with acceptance so that it doesn't create, ironically, more suffering.

I'm more secure in my belief that God has infinite compassion for your suffering. I don't think that means that He will change the realities of the physical universe for you. But I do think that means that He will give you the strength to bear your pain, if you ask.

Finally, I think that just as we are created to praise God for our blessings, I also think we are created to cry out to God in our sufferings. The poet Rumi expressed this in a favorite poem of mine:

"Love Dogs"

One night a man was crying,
Allah! Allah!
His lips grew sweet with the praising,
until a cynic said,
"So! I have heard you
calling out, but have you ever
gotten any response?"

The man had no answer to that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick, green foliage.
"Why did you stop praising?"
"Because I've never heard anything back."
"But this longing
you express is the return message."

The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness
that wants help
is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs
no one knows the names of.

Give your life
to be one of them.

I'll add my prayers to those of others.