Gannett is waving its balls in my face ...

Monday Morning Sportswriter · Sep 15, 2012

Did anyone actually oixk upmamcopy? They are themed balls when you get to the section fronts. A cowboy hat on the sports ball, for instance. Very weird.

Armchair_QB · Sep 16, 2012

"I have a dream . . . that one day all Americans will join hands and declare their undying love for our balls;"

I'm sure the rest of the memo was very compelling but I was laughing so hard after I read this that I couldn't read anymore.

PCLoadLetter · Sep 16, 2012

Monday Morning Sportswriter said:

Did anyone actually oixk upmamcopy? They are themed balls when you get to the section fronts. A cowboy hat on the sports ball, for instance. Very weird.
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I'll admit, I have not oixk upmamcopy.

Baron Scicluna · Sep 17, 2012

USA Today's new mascot:

Baron Scicluna · Sep 17, 2012

My BYH impression.

Cool Balls (huh, huh, you said balls) by Sam Ward

I have a dream . . . that one day all Americans will join hands and declare their undying love for our balls (for a company that loves to cheer on diversity, congratulations for spitting on the legacy of Martin Luther King); our spheres of influence, our behaviors, or whatever one chooses to call them.

Actually, and perhaps with an air of creepiness (you bet your ass this is creepy), I DID have a dream about this very topic. I dreamt that people all over the place were talking about the images in USA TODAY’s balls (The rest of us dream about naked women). It was creating quite a stir (mostly from everyone laughing their asses off at you); which, if we do our job right, shouldn’t be far from the truth.

Whenever anyone steps outside the boundaries of the box it will create a stir. In fact, nothing good can be created without stepping outside the box (But, but, no jumps from the front!). No, let me rephrase that; nothing can be created at all without stepping outside the box (although Real Life, Real News sure tested that theory). Our balls could be our boldest statement; our chance to engage readers on a level that we currently are not doing (isn't that called sexual harassment?).

We shouldn’t use that space for your everyday run of the mill promo; that’s currently being done by every newspaper in the country (Um, it's done so people know what's inside the paper they are holding). Nobody would feel drawn to a photo of Neil Armstrong that could have been used on the day after his death. People would however have been attracted to a simple moon boot print, or a flag at half-mast planted on an image of the moon (does someone bending over and pulling their pants down count?). I guess maybe “sophisticated” is the word that fits.

And I believe readers want to consider themselves sophisticated (after all these years of us treating them like dunces). They want to be challenged (we're now allowed to write 7 inch stories!). They don’t always want everything spelled out for them (sure they do, that's why they have all those "How to Cope" boxes). How can they feel challenged if we never offer them a challenge? (the mere act of opening the paper is challenge enough) If some days, readers can’t understand the symbolic imagery within our balls, they will feel a deeper level of appreciation on the days when they can (It's a fucking dot on a piece of paper, you idiot!) Readers form a bond with publications that trust them to “get it.” (But fuck 'em if the profit margin goes below 23 percent)

And just what are we asking our readers to “get?” Just what are our balls? (Shouldn't this have been covered in sex ed class?) Well, they are what we will make of them. I believe our balls are symbols of who we are and where we’re headed (to purgatory, with the Lost castaways). They are not stories, graphics, or illustrations. They are signposts, perhaps; reminders that offer inroads into America’s stream of consciousness. (or, like I said earlier, they're just fucking dots on a piece of paper).

And we have to be sensible about them too. We can’t beat our readers over the head with our cleverness (because employees have already been beaten into the ground enough). We should use our balls at the right time and for the right reasons. (Unless she's a 6.) They should be important, and never feel too planned or overly scripted. We should think of them as we think about sex: sex is great but we don’t want to have it ALL the time. Well . . . maybe that’s the wrong analogy, but you get the point. (Sexual harassment lawyers are getting the point, you betcha)

It’s quite clear that the old way of doing things isn’t working (although it sure as fuck worked out for Craig Dubow). The time has come to step into the light and dare to be different (Can we jump two stories now?). Sure, our competitors (employees, customers, the news industry as a whole, and the rest of the free fucking world) will laugh. Let them laugh so hard that they cannot breathe (the company will suck the oxygen out of you anyways). We should really only be interested in what the readers think. (That worked out well in the past) Yes, there may be a few laughing readers too, but not for long (Because they're fleeing in droves) . Readers will come to enjoy “the show.”

And hopefully we will get folks talking (well, you got them talking alright). Great! We should want them to talk. If nobody talks it’s a sure sign we’re not doing anything very innovative. Maybe our balls will have a viral life. (Two Balls, One Cup) Maybe we will create a wave that readers want to catch. Our images can be our “preview,” our “trailer,” our trademark.

There is an aspect of this that defies explanation (Just one aspect?). I cannot prove that it exists, but I “feel” that it does (Are you using your left hand or your right for that?). Let’s call it a sense of “coolness,” for lack of a better term. I don’t have any statistics on this (so this whole thing is based on some whim?), but I believe most people consider themselves to be cool; and they would like to feel they are reading a publication that is cool (because gnarly is so 1985). They may not totally understand why, (I thought they were sophisticated?),but they still want to be a part of it.

Readers will appreciate the risk we are taking (They will?); that we dare to be different. USA TODAY could take the safe approach, wading cautiously and nervously into the ever-changing media environment (Like they've already done for the last 10 years), but that isn’t what inspires people. Americans, in particular, like a big splash (of cum in their mouths). Believing in oneself and taking that dive into the unknown stormy sea (or threatening to take away your livelihood) . . . now THAT inspires people.

It’s been too long since USA TODAY has taken a chance (and whose fault is that?). We have allowed ourselves to become too comfortable in our niche. We seem to have lost our way, lost our mojo, if you will (Good job just shitting on everything your employees have been doing). But I’ve been getting some good vibes lately. This redesign is working (You just fucking started it, how the fuck would you know?). We are attempting to radically change the way we present the news and the way we go about our jobs (Attempting? What the fuck was the Local Information Center?)

Yes, I believe things are moving fast now (like a teenage boy losing his virginity) and that our mojo is back . . . and we have the balls to prove it (Suck my balls Kyle!). . .
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ondeadline · Sep 17, 2012

According to this story -- http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/16/usa-today-s-ballsy-move-draws-attention-to-newspaper-s-relaunch.html:

Oddly enough, smack dab in the middle of the chairman’s suite on the top floor of the company’s McLean, Va., headquarters is a blue ball sculpture. In what was a much-ballyhooed uproar, three USA Today sports employees lost their jobs—caught on surveillance camera—for defacing it.
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Baron Scicluna · Sep 18, 2012

ondeadline said:

According to this story -- http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/09/16/usa-today-s-ballsy-move-draws-attention-to-newspaper-s-relaunch.html:

Oddly enough, smack dab in the middle of the chairmans suite on the top floor of the companys McLean, Va., headquarters is a blue ball sculpture. In what was a much-ballyhooed uproar, three USA Today sports employees lost their jobscaught on surveillance camerafor defacing it.
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I thought the infamous blue ball got taken out of the building when Martore was put in charge?

crusoes · Sep 18, 2012

They moved it to make room for the string quartet playing "Nearer My God To Thee."

Rockbottom · Sep 18, 2012

That entire double entendre-filled screed about a blue circle is totes cray.

rb

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Gannett is waving its balls in my face ...

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