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Game Story Feedback

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by ConorRevell, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. ConorRevell

    ConorRevell New Member

    I'd like somebody to give me feedback on this story. Butcher it apart, let me know what I did wrong, and what you would have done instead.

  2. Doc Holliday

    Doc Holliday Well-Known Member

    First, it's not bad for a beginning reporter.

    One thing I noticed early was it seemed you were reaching for adjectives rather than giving good description. In other words "dandy" and "raucous" don't do shit for me.

    Next thing I noticed was the two 3-pointers to break a 39-39 tie. Seems to me, you only need one 3-pointer to break a tie. So that makes it factually incorrect.

    Another thing, the "a few close calls cost Trinity" a loss in the first game statement sounds like either you're making excuses or you're a homer. Just say they suffered a tough loss on the road.

    You also said James scored 12 of his 17 points in Friday Night's rematch in the first half. I think you've established it was Friday night in the second graf. You're double writing. No need to say Friday night again. Just say the rematch.

    In the Feldhouse quote he says "We did good in the second but fell apart in the second half." Probably needs (quarter) after the second because it reads like they did good and fell apart in the second half.

    One nice thing I noticed was your use of quotes. You did an excellent job of inserting quotes and making the story flow with players and coaches talking about the points you were making from the game.

    Most of your mistakes were minor that you can clean up or a good editor will catch. There are probably other things, but I thought I'd make a few points to help you out a bit.

    Overall, it's not a bad game story at all. Of course, it can always be better. ;)
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