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Funny Lyrics Hall of Fame

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Versatile, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    Funny songs are rare. Funny songs that hold up lyrically are even rarer. I'll open with "The Ballad of Chasey Lain" by the Bloodhound Gang, off Hooray for Boobies, which had a lot of really funny songs, including "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying."

    Dear Chasey Lain
    I wrote to explain
    I'm your biggest fan
    I just wanted to ask
    Could I eat your ass?
    Write back as soon as you can

    You've had a lotta dick
    Had a lotta dick
    I've had a lotta time
    Had a lotta time
    You've had a lotta dick Chasey
    But you ain't had mine

    Dear Chasey Lain
    I wrote to complain
    Ya never wrote me back
    How could I ever eat
    Your ass when ya treat
    Your biggest fan like that?

    You've had a lotta dick
    Had a lotta dick
    I've had a lotta time
    Had a lotta time
    You've had a lotta dick Chasey
    But you ain't had mine

    Dear Chasey Lain
    I wrote to constrain
    This letter is my last
    As your biggest fan
    I must demand
    You let me eat your ass

    You've had a lotta dick
    Had a lotta dick
    I've had a lotta time
    Had a lotta time
    You've had a lotta dick Chasey
    But you ain't had mine

    Mom and Dad this is Chasey
    Chasey this is my mom and dad
    Now show 'em them titties
    Now show 'em them titties

    Mom and Dad this is Chasey
    Chasey this is my mom and dad
    Now show 'em them titties
    Now show 'em them titties

    Would ya fuck me for blow?

    YGBFKM Guest

    It was a straight shot, all it took was luck to not get caught
    I laid 3 dimes down and the machine wanted 25 cents
    In the backseat, her and a friend
    One out the window and the other on the other end
    One belt loop away from Sunday night's news

    If the part about being who he was didn't help Tom get loose
    What's a guy without a T gonna get
    Totally screwed, while chicken wing puke
    Eats the candy apple red off his Corvette
    3 dimes down and 25 cents shy of a slice of the Double mint twins
    Come back, baby, rock 'n' roll never forgets
  3. HC

    HC Well-Known Member

    One of my personal favourites (from our own Tom Petty):

    My sister got lucky, married a yuppie
    Took him for all he was worth
    Now she's a swinger dating a singer
    I can't decide which is worse

    YGBFKM Guest

    (well, right about that time people
    A fur-trapper (who was strictly from commercial)
    Had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igloo (peekaboo) )
    And he started into whippin on my favorite baby seal
    With a lead-filled snowshoe)

    I said, with a
    With a lead filled snowshoe
    He said, peekaboo
    I said, with a
    With a lead filled snowshoe
    He said, peekaboo
    He went right upside the head of my favorite baby seal
    He went whap with a lead-filled snowshoe, and
    He hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin, and he
    That got me just about as evil as an eskimo boy can be. so I bent down
    And I reached down, and I scooped down and I gathered up a generous
    Mitten-ful of the deadly yellow snow

    The deadly yellow snow, from right there where the huskies go!

    Whereupon I proceeded to take that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
    Crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous
    Circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
    To take the place of the mudshark in your mythology
    Here it goes,the circular motion, now rub it!

    (here fido)

    And then
    In a fit of anger
    I pounced

    And I pounced again

    Great googly moogly!

    I jumped up and down on the chest of the him

    I injured
    The fur trapper

    Well he was very upset, as you can understand
    And rightly so, because the
    Deadly yellow snow crystals had
    Deprived him of his

    And he stood up, and he looked around, and he said

    I can't see
    I can't see
    Oh, woe is me
    I can't see

    Well.....you know
    I can't see

    He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my right eye
    He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my other eye
    And the husky wee-wee
    I mean the doggie wee-wee
    Has blinded me
    And I can't see

    Well, the fur-trapper stood there, with his arms outstretched across the
    Frozen white wasteland, trying to figure out what he was going to do about
    His deflicted eyes. and it was at that precise moment that he remembered
    And ancient eskimo legend, wherein it is written (on whatever it is that
    They write it on up there) that if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
    As the result of some sort of conflict with anyone named
    The only way you can get it fixed up is to go

    Trudging across the tundra
    Mile after mile
    Trudging across the tundra

    Right down to the parish of st. alphonzo

    YGBFKM Guest

    Yes indeed, here we are!
    At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
    Where I stole the mar-juh-reen
    An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
    I saw a handsome parish lady
    Make her entrance like a queen
    Why she was totally chenille
    And her old man was a Marine
    As she abused a sausage pattie
    And said why don't you treat me mean?
    (Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!)
    At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
    (Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
    Where I stole the mar-juh-reen . . .

    Saint Alfonzo
    Saint Alfonzo
    Saint Alfonzo
    Saint Alfonzo
    Ooo-ooo-WAH . . .
  6. clintrichardson

    clintrichardson Active Member

    Not an obvious source of comedy, but I think the biggest laugh I've ever had from a song was the last line of this first verse of Ballad of Mary Magdalene by Richard Shindell:

    My name is Mary Magdalen
    I come from Palestine
    Please excuse these rags I’m in
    But I’ve fallen on hard times
    But long ago I had my work
    When I was in my prime
    But I gave it up, and all for love
    It was his career or mine
  7. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    Pretty much any Mojo Nixon song would qualify.

    For instance, Elvis is Everywhere:

    Elvis is in everybody out there.
    Everybody's got Elvis in them!
    Everybody except one person that is...
    Yeah, one person!
    The evil opposite of Elvis.
    The Anti-Elvis

    Anti-Elvis got no Elvis in 'em,
    lemme tell ya.

    Michael J. Fox has no Elvis in him.

    And Elvis is in Joan Rivers
    but he's trying to get out, man!
    He's trying to get out!
    Listen up Joanie Baby!

    She's Vibrator Dependent..

    Cause she vibrator dependent, don't want me in it.
    Says I don't make the right noise.
    Being replaced by batteries.
    Hey there fellas can't you see,
    She just wants to play with her toys.

    She don't wanna go out and dance,
    She don't wanna get in my pants.
    Just stay home and Vi-bor-ate!
    Gettin' big blisters on my hands,
    Thinkin' maybe I ain't a man.
    Man, she ain't gonna get im-preg-o-nate!
  8. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    Anyone ever read Anal pussycat lyrics? Some of them are funny. Of course, you'd have no idea listening to the music. I like "Beating Up Hippies for their Drugs at a Phish Concert":

    You've got no fucking money and your girlfriend is ugly
    So I stole your drugs (x2)
    Your van's a piece of shit with a Dead sticker on it
    So I stole your drugs (x2)

    First I stole your nitrous
    Then I stole your acid
    Then I stole your mushrooms
    Then I kicked your ass
    Then I stole your pot
    Then I stole your beer
    Then I stole your tickets
    And sold them for crack

    Also, the song "Steroids Guy" has a chorus:

    His mustache is big, but his muscles are bigger
    His mustache is big, but his penis is smaller
  9. Chef2

    Chef2 Well-Known Member

    A few on here will remember this:

    One day at our paper, we had a fill in the lyric contest:

    "Hotel California" by The Eagles

    "warm smell of _______ rising up through the air....."

    As God is my Witness, one of our guys typed in "clitoris"......Every time I hear that song, I laugh hysterically.
  10. albert77

    albert77 Well-Known Member

    Will Not Be Your Fool
    David Bromberg (from a live album entitled How Late'll Ya Play 'Til)

    You’ve hurt me for the last time
    Yeah you finally went and broke my only rule
    It’s the last time
    you finally went and broke my golden rule
    I’ll be your lover or your friend darling
    But I’ll be goddamn if I’m ever gonna be your fool

    I will be there when you need me baby
    but I don’t wanna be your toy -- listen here
    If a plaything is all you want me for
    You can get up, go out and get yourself another boy
    Because I took that class
    I graduated Phi Beta goddamn Kappa from that school
    I’ll be your lover or your friend darling
    But I’m never, ever, ever gonna be your fool

    I gave you all I had to give honey
    I sincerely tried to keep you satisfied
    I gave you everything I own
    I truly tried to keep you satisfied
    I gave you all my heart, my love, my car, my money, my house, my children
    The least you coulda done was let me keep one small, tiny shred of my pride

    I would work for you all day
    And I would love you all night
    I swore and promised to stand beside you baby when you’re wrong, yeah when you’re right
    But look here sugar lips
    There’s one thing in this life that I’d never ever do for you
    I’ll be your lover or your friend darling – yes I will
    But I refuse to be your fool


    Well you gambled with my love this time sweetheart
    But I want you to understand this is one time you finally lost your bet
    You’re gambling with my love
    This time you lost the bet
    Hey look any man dumb enough to hang around for the kind of stuff you hand out
    Would deserve every low-kick rotten-leg dirty trick you and I both know that he’d get

    I know you just cooked up this mess to find out exactly how
    Long you could keep me stuck in it
    Pick up your telephone dial information ask for the time
    You can calculate it to the last goddamn minute, now look-
    You did not have to hurt me baby
    No you did not need to be that cruel
    I’ll be your lover or your friend darling
    I’ll be Goddamn, 6 feet under ground, dead in my grave, buried and long forgot
    I’ll be so long gone and forgot that my flesh will have turned and returned to the nutrients and elements and the molecules from which it originated
    I mean to say that the genus and species of worms that used to crawl in and out of the sockets of my eyelid holes will vanish from the face of the earth
    I need to say I’ll see the earth leave its orbit
    I’ll wear the rings of Saturn for a ring around my little pinky
    I’ll let your sister marry a Venutian
    I will see you dead
    I’ll see your lover dead
    I’ll see his lover dead
    I’ll see his lover dead
    I’ll see his lover dead
    I’ll see that faggot dead
    I’ll see everyone you ever knew, loved, touched, stood next to, heard of, smelt, felt, dreamed about in your life or any of your descendant’s lives -- down to the 168th person
    Roasted and tortured in hell
    For 1 billion trillion years
    16 eternity’s
    27 forevers
    11 thousand years after that before I will be your fool!
  11. PCLoadLetter

    PCLoadLetter Well-Known Member

    "Motel Blues" by Loudon Wainwright III:

    In this town television shuts off at two
    What can a lonely rock 'n' roller do?
    Bed so big the sheets are clean
    You're girlfriend said you were nineteen

    The styrofoam ice bucket's full of ice
    Come up to my motel room and treat me nice

    I don't wanna make no late night new york calls
    I don't wanna stare at those ugly grass mat walls
    Chronologically i know you're young
    But when you kissed me in the club you bit my tongue

    I'll write a song for you and put it on my next lp
    Come up to my motel room and sleep with me

    There's a bible in the drawer don't be afraid
    I'll put up a sign to warn the cleanup maid
    There's lots of soap and lots of towels
    Never mind those desk clerk scowls

    I'll buy you breakfast they'll think you're my wife
    Come up to my motel room and save my life
  12. I Should Coco

    I Should Coco Well-Known Member

    A couple of my favorites from the late 1970s:

    "Have you seen her face
    She's got a face that would stop a clock
    And with that face I surely won't stop
    To look her in the eyes
    But her money's green
    She's a tease like a social disease
    But she's still so close to my reach
    If I call, if I call at all"
    — Cheap Trick, "He's a Whore"

    "Rosie you're all right -- you wear my ring
    When you hold me tight -- Rosie that's my thing
    When you turn out the light -- I've got to hand it to me
    Looks like it's me and you again tonight Rosie"
    — Jackson Browne, "Rosie"

    And a more recent offering ... from one of my favorite 2000s albums:

    "I can't get rid of you
    I don't know what to do
    I don't even know who is growing on who
    'Cos everywhere I go you're there
    Can't get you out of my hair
    Can't pretend that I don't care -- it's not fair

    "I'm being punished for all my offences
    I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences
    I wanna banish you from whence you came
    But you're part of me now
    And I've only got myself to blame

    "You're really growing on me
    (Or am I growing on you?) ..."
    — The Darkness, "Growing on Me"
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