Funny Lyrics Hall of Fame

Funny songs are rare. Funny songs that hold up lyrically are even rarer. I'll open with "The Ballad of Chasey Lain" by the Bloodhound Gang, off Hooray for Boobies, which had a lot of really funny songs, including "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying."

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan
I just wanted to ask
Could I eat your ass?
Write back as soon as you can

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to complain
Ya never wrote me back
How could I ever eat
Your ass when ya treat
Your biggest fan like that?

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

Dear Chasey Lain
I wrote to constrain
This letter is my last
As your biggest fan
I must demand
You let me eat your ass

You've had a lotta dick
Had a lotta dick
I've had a lotta time
Had a lotta time
You've had a lotta dick Chasey
But you ain't had mine

P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties

P.S.
Mom and Dad this is Chasey
Chasey this is my mom and dad
Now show 'em them titties
Now show 'em them titties

Would ya fuck me for blow?

 

It was a straight shot, all it took was luck to not get caught
I laid 3 dimes down and the machine wanted 25 cents
In the backseat, her and a friend
One out the window and the other on the other end
One belt loop away from Sunday night's news

If the part about being who he was didn't help Tom get loose
What's a guy without a T gonna get
Totally screwed, while chicken wing puke
Eats the candy apple red off his Corvette
3 dimes down and 25 cents shy of a slice of the Double mint twins
Come back, baby, rock 'n' roll never forgets

 

One of my personal favourites (from our own Tom Petty):

My sister got lucky, married a yuppie
Took him for all he was worth
Now she's a swinger dating a singer
I can't decide which is worse

 

(well, right about that time people
A fur-trapper (who was strictly from commercial)
Had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igloo (peekaboo) )
And he started into whippin on my favorite baby seal
With a lead-filled snowshoe)

I said, with a
Lead-
Filled
With a lead filled snowshoe
He said, peekaboo
I said, with a
Lead-
Filled
With a lead filled snowshoe
He said, peekaboo
He went right upside the head of my favorite baby seal
He went whap with a lead-filled snowshoe, and
He hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin, and he
That got me just about as evil as an eskimo boy can be. so I bent down
And I reached down, and I scooped down and I gathered up a generous
Mitten-ful of the deadly yellow snow

The deadly yellow snow, from right there where the huskies go!

Whereupon I proceeded to take that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
Crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous
Circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
To take the place of the mudshark in your mythology
Here it goes,the circular motion, now rub it!

(here fido)

And then
In a fit of anger
I pounced

And I pounced again

Great googly moogly!

I jumped up and down on the chest of the him

I injured
The fur trapper

Well he was very upset, as you can understand
And rightly so, because the
Deadly yellow snow crystals had
Deprived him of his
Sight

And he stood up, and he looked around, and he said

I can't see
I can't see
Oh, woe is me
I can't see

Well.....you know
I can't see
Nothin

He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my right eye
He took a dog-doo snow cone and stuffed it in my other eye
And the husky wee-wee
I mean the doggie wee-wee
Has blinded me
And I can't see
Temporarily

Well, the fur-trapper stood there, with his arms outstretched across the
Frozen white wasteland, trying to figure out what he was going to do about
His deflicted eyes. and it was at that precise moment that he remembered
And ancient eskimo legend, wherein it is written (on whatever it is that
They write it on up there) that if anything bad ever happens to your eyes
As the result of some sort of conflict with anyone named
Nanook,
The only way you can get it fixed up is to go

Trudging across the tundra
Mile after mile
Trudging across the tundra

Right down to the parish of st. alphonzo

 

Yes indeed, here we are!
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Where I stole the mar-juh-reen
An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine
I saw a handsome parish lady
Make her entrance like a queen
Why she was totally chenille
And her old man was a Marine
As she abused a sausage pattie
And said why don't you treat me mean?
(Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!)
At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast
(Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
Where I stole the mar-juh-reen . . .

Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Saint Alfonzo
Ooo-ooo-WAH . . .

 

Not an obvious source of comedy, but I think the biggest laugh I've ever had from a song was the last line of this first verse of Ballad of Mary Magdalene by Richard Shindell:

My name is Mary Magdalen
I come from Palestine
Please excuse these rags I’m in
But I’ve fallen on hard times
But long ago I had my work
When I was in my prime
But I gave it up, and all for love
It was his career or mine

 

Pretty much any Mojo Nixon song would qualify.

For instance, Elvis is Everywhere:

Elvis is in everybody out there.
Everybody's got Elvis in them!
Everybody except one person that is...
Yeah, one person!
The evil opposite of Elvis.
The Anti-Elvis

Anti-Elvis got no Elvis in 'em,
lemme tell ya.

Michael J. Fox has no Elvis in him.

And Elvis is in Joan Rivers
but he's trying to get out, man!
He's trying to get out!
Listen up Joanie Baby!

She's Vibrator Dependent..

Cause she vibrator dependent, don't want me in it.
Says I don't make the right noise.
Being replaced by batteries.
Hey there fellas can't you see,
She just wants to play with her toys.

She don't wanna go out and dance,
She don't wanna get in my pants.
Just stay home and Vi-bor-ate!
Gettin' big blisters on my hands,
Thinkin' maybe I ain't a man.
Man, she ain't gonna get im-preg-o-nate!

 

Anyone ever read Anal pussycat lyrics? Some of them are funny. Of course, you'd have no idea listening to the music. I like "Beating Up Hippies for their Drugs at a Phish Concert":

You've got no fucking money and your girlfriend is ugly
So I stole your drugs (x2)
Your van's a piece of shit with a Dead sticker on it
So I stole your drugs (x2)

First I stole your nitrous
Then I stole your acid
Then I stole your mushrooms
Then I kicked your ass
Then I stole your pot
Then I stole your beer
Then I stole your tickets
And sold them for crack

Also, the song "Steroids Guy" has a chorus:

His mustache is big, but his muscles are bigger
His mustache is big, but his penis is smaller

 

A few on here will remember this:

One day at our paper, we had a fill in the lyric contest:

"Hotel California" by The Eagles

"warm smell of _______ rising up through the air....."

As God is my Witness, one of our guys typed in "clitoris"......Every time I hear that song, I laugh hysterically.

 

Will Not Be Your Fool
David Bromberg (from a live album entitled How Late'll Ya Play 'Til)

You’ve hurt me for the last time
Yeah you finally went and broke my only rule
It’s the last time
you finally went and broke my golden rule
I’ll be your lover or your friend darling
But I’ll be goddamn if I’m ever gonna be your fool

I will be there when you need me baby
but I don’t wanna be your toy -- listen here
If a plaything is all you want me for
You can get up, go out and get yourself another boy
Because I took that class
I graduated Phi Beta goddamn Kappa from that school
I’ll be your lover or your friend darling
But I’m never, ever, ever gonna be your fool

I gave you all I had to give honey
I sincerely tried to keep you satisfied
I gave you everything I own
I truly tried to keep you satisfied
I gave you all my heart, my love, my car, my money, my house, my children
The least you coulda done was let me keep one small, tiny shred of my pride

I would work for you all day
And I would love you all night
I swore and promised to stand beside you baby when you’re wrong, yeah when you’re right
But look here sugar lips
There’s one thing in this life that I’d never ever do for you
I’ll be your lover or your friend darling – yes I will
But I refuse to be your fool

(INSTRUMENTAL)

Well you gambled with my love this time sweetheart
But I want you to understand this is one time you finally lost your bet
You’re gambling with my love
This time you lost the bet
Hey look any man dumb enough to hang around for the kind of stuff you hand out
Would deserve every low-kick rotten-leg dirty trick you and I both know that he’d get

I know you just cooked up this mess to find out exactly how
Long you could keep me stuck in it
Pick up your telephone dial information ask for the time
You can calculate it to the last goddamn minute, now look-
You did not have to hurt me baby
No you did not need to be that cruel
I’ll be your lover or your friend darling
I’ll be Goddamn, 6 feet under ground, dead in my grave, buried and long forgot
I’ll be so long gone and forgot that my flesh will have turned and returned to the nutrients and elements and the molecules from which it originated
I mean to say that the genus and species of worms that used to crawl in and out of the sockets of my eyelid holes will vanish from the face of the earth
I need to say I’ll see the earth leave its orbit
I’ll wear the rings of Saturn for a ring around my little pinky
I’ll let your sister marry a Venutian
I will see you dead
I’ll see your lover dead
I’ll see his lover dead
I’ll see his lover dead
I’ll see his lover dead
I’ll see that faggot dead
I’ll see everyone you ever knew, loved, touched, stood next to, heard of, smelt, felt, dreamed about in your life or any of your descendant’s lives -- down to the 168th person
Roasted and tortured in hell
For 1 billion trillion years
16 eternity’s
27 forevers
11 thousand years after that before I will be your fool!

 

"Motel Blues" by Loudon Wainwright III:

In this town television shuts off at two
What can a lonely rock 'n' roller do?
Bed so big the sheets are clean
You're girlfriend said you were nineteen

The styrofoam ice bucket's full of ice
Come up to my motel room and treat me nice

I don't wanna make no late night new york calls
I don't wanna stare at those ugly grass mat walls
Chronologically i know you're young
But when you kissed me in the club you bit my tongue

I'll write a song for you and put it on my next lp
Come up to my motel room and sleep with me

There's a bible in the drawer don't be afraid
I'll put up a sign to warn the cleanup maid
There's lots of soap and lots of towels
Never mind those desk clerk scowls

I'll buy you breakfast they'll think you're my wife
Come up to my motel room and save my life

 

A couple of my favorites from the late 1970s:

"Have you seen her face
She's got a face that would stop a clock
And with that face I surely won't stop
To look her in the eyes
But her money's green
She's a tease like a social disease
But she's still so close to my reach
If I call, if I call at all"
— Cheap Trick, "He's a Whore"

"Rosie you're all right -- you wear my ring
When you hold me tight -- Rosie that's my thing
When you turn out the light -- I've got to hand it to me
Looks like it's me and you again tonight Rosie"
— Jackson Browne, "Rosie"

And a more recent offering ... from one of my favorite 2000s albums:

"I can't get rid of you
I don't know what to do
I don't even know who is growing on who
'Cos everywhere I go you're there
Can't get you out of my hair
Can't pretend that I don't care -- it's not fair

"I'm being punished for all my offences
I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences
I wanna banish you from whence you came
But you're part of me now
And I've only got myself to blame

"You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?) ..."
— The Darkness, "Growing on Me"