Funniest thing your kid ever did.....

When lil Chef was about 4....mamachef accidentally slammed her finger in a bedroom door, and she lets out a window-rattling "FUCK".

The boy.....calm and as quiet as could be....walks into the bedroom to check on her.....walks up to her and says "Mom.....it's not nice to say fuck."

Honorable mention: At men's night at the local country club.....once every two months, they have calf fries.....imagine the look on his face when I told him I just got done eating cow balls.

 

knifed a waiter and an ex-football player's ex-wife in los angeles a few years back.

 

Princess Creole the First: Leaving the Fort Worth Bowl in 2005 (she was 7), our beloved Jayhawks had just kicked the tar out of Houston. We soak up the win, and are leaving TCU. On our way out, Princess, not paying attention to the large group of Houston students walking toward us, belts out, "Daddy, Houston was NOT very good. We REALLY beat them bad!" Damn, I was proud of her!

Princess Creole the Second: Big Elvis fan. We have this older retiree who does our scoreboard page five nights a week, and one day, he was singing some Elvis songs, so we've jokingly called him Elvis since. Well, one night, the Princesses get in a fight about Elvis and if he's alive. The younger Princess (she was 3 then) yells, "Elvis IS alive! He works with Daddy!"

Well, after convincing her that Elvis is in fact dead, the Creoles pay all of us a visit one night at the office. "Elvis" starts singing for the younger princess and said, "Thankyouverymuch" Elvis style. On the way home, she asked Queen Creole, "Mommy, is that REALLY Elvis?"

Prince Creole took a golf ball a couple weeks ago and chucked it at my dad. It hit him in the chest, and the little Prince (16 months now) turns around with a big smile and starts clapping his hands.

 

No kids, so allow me to share a story from my brother when he was five...

We're watching the Oakland-L.A. World Series at the house of my mom's boss, Mr. Bjerkan, or something like that. Dad is rooting for L.A., so my brother does too, because that's what 5-year-olds do. Bjerkan roots for Oakland, just to push my brother's buttons.

Anyway, Kirk Gibson comes up, yada, yada, yada. As he's rounding the bases, my brother walks up to Bjerkan, slugs him in the knee as hard as he can, and screams "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, BJERKAN!?!"

Mom is mortified and crying, thinking she just lost her job. Bjerkan is crying too, because he's laughing so hard. That homer has been a part of family lore ever since.

 

I heard this from a friend the other day.

His little one was three and they were driving somewhere, she in the back in her car seat.
Friend gets cut off and without thinking, says loudly, rather than yelling, "Fucking asshole."

All's silent, til a couple of minutes later, little one says from the back,
"What did I do, daddy?"

Imagine the poor little girl in the back, thinking for a couple of minutes why her father called her a fucking asshole, apparently for no reason.

My friend says his heart breaks every time he thinks about it.

 

Wow, cows have balls?

 

My little one is 14 months old right now, and she's just starting to say different things - but nothing close to an actual sentence or anything.

On Saturday, she was lining up some of her stuffed animals on the end table, and proceded to knock a couple over as she fell down. Out of her mouth, clear as day to everybody (myself, my wife, in-laws) in the room, comes an 'Oh shit!'

I don't know what is more humorous, the fact that she said it, or the fact that she used it in the proper context that any of us would have used it.

 

When my nephew was old enough to talk but not old enough to be understood he also liked to play with the telephone. What resulted was The Perfect Storm of hilarity.

He got ahold of the phone when my sister was visiting some friends in suburban Chicago and unknowingly (obviously) made several redial calls to the same number, babbling into the phone and hanging up each time.

A few hours later my sister's friend got a call from the local police saying that they had received several calls from someone at that number who was speaking in a foreign language. They couldn't understand what he said but they thought he was Chinese and they wanted to know if everything was ok.

 

My cousin was eight or nine when he came up with his family for a few weeks one summer. I walked into a bedroom with him and his older brother, hoping to play some PlayStation. But two cousins about his age and one a little younger were already in there, watching Spiceworld on HBO.

Cousin: Get out, we wanna play FIFA
Girl cousin watching the movie: No, we're watching Spiceworld!
Cousin: The Spice Girls are stupid!
Girl cousin: Shut up! One of the Spice Girls is going to have a baby!
Cousin: Who cares about the baby? I hope he DIES!

I'm giggling at the memory now.

 

Wow...not sure I'd ever get over the guilt on that one.

Any time I respond angrily to another driver with my 4-year-old in the car, she just yells at me..."Be nice, daddy!"

 

When Princess GuessWho (who's now almost 21) was in the first grade, she had her first eye exam as part of a physical. The nurse asked her to read a line of letters.

Long silence.

"Dear, can you read that line?"

Another long silence, and I'm starting to get concerned.

Finally, my little angel says, "That's a long word."

 

Two come immediately to mind with my son:

1) Mrs. Birdscribe, myself and our then-2 1/2-year-old son are pulling into the Olive Garden. Wife and I are talking about something or another when from the back seat comes this little voice.

"Hello, Newman."

He's 9 years away from actually being able to appreciate Seinfeld. Yet, he somehow knew one of the show's signature lines from one of us mentioning it in passing.

2) We're in the front yard of our friends' house across the street. Little Birdscribe had this thing he'd do before taking a bath called the Happy Naked Dance. He'd run across the hallway, then stop and do this little dance, before running down the hall.

Well, he exported the Happy Naked Dance to the sidewalk in front of our neighbor's house, complete with smirky look back to see if I was chasing him.

I was.