Funniest thing you have read on The Onion

I need some chuckles.

Here are two starters:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/republicans_urge_minorities_to_get

MIAMI, FL—With the knowledge that the minority vote will be crucial in the upcoming presidential election, Republican Party officials are urging blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities to make their presence felt at the polls on Wednesday, Nov. 3.


For PitsburghSportsJournalists.com
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33444

Man, there's that Steelers cap I've had my eye on. We're talking the real deal here, an official NFL Pro Line sideline cap—the exact one Coach Cowher wears on Sundays. I've had my eye on that baby for a while now, and it's time I made my decision. It all boils down to this: the cap or a hot meal for the wife and kids.

Shit, that's a no-brainer.

 

Pretty much any Smoove B column will lift your spirits, if you can't break your woman off nasty on the finest silk sheets hand-selected from China and sewn by hand to perfection.

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27899

OAK BROOK, IL—Bowing to outcry from consumers and parents groups, the McDonald's Corporation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its new advertising mascot, "The Hammurderer," a mischievous, homicidal imp who kills McDonaldland characters and takes their sandwiches.

 

The column "I Think We Should Fuck Other People" is probably my favorite, but there are about 30 or 40 stories that still make me laugh after reading them more than 50 times.

 

I just read the Hammurderer one for literally the 200th time (I'm not exaggerating) and I STILL have tears coming down my face.

 

The collected works of T. Herman Zweibel.

The collected works of Herbert Kornfeld (RIP).

 

The recent one along the lines of:

Homeland Security Experts Warn Next 9/11 Attack Could Occur On Different Date

 

First time I'd seen that and it is fucking hiliarious. The last two 'graphs are a riot.

 

All good.

Jim Anchower was my homeboy.

 

I'm like a chocoholic, but for booze:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33296

 

Mothership Accidentally Descends on Hootie Concert

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30102

 

Damn Grapist.