From the Deadspin Funbag today...

Q: What sports columnist/reporter would make the worst next-door neighbor? My vote is for Lupica. I have a terrible feeling that he would be a terrible prick and complain about my dog, my lawn, etc everyday. It also would be made even worse by his annoying voice. If the neighbor were a gun owner, that award easily goes to Buzz Bissinger.

A: Lupica is the winner, hands down. You can just picture Lupica — all three feet of him — standing angrily outside your yard, asking if you got the proper zoning permits to plant that shrub so close to his window. He's a fucking nightmare of a human being. He'd be worse than Mariotti. At least with Mariotti, you'd get to experience the catharsis of seeing a cop car pull up to his house every now and again. I also think Jim Nantz would be a terrible neighbor. Imagine that asshole judging your landscaping work every time he walked out the door. "Well, it's no Augusta." ENOUGH WITH THE AZALEAS, DICKHEAD.

And Kornheiser! Kornheiser would find something new to bitch about every day to your face. "Do you not SEE that those trash cans of yours are filled too high? Are you not STUNNED that raccoons have yet to pillage them?! If I'm your neighbor, I'm saying WHOA, THIS GUY DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD CITIZEN."

You could easily expand this query to sports in general. Like, which sports figure would be the absolute worst to live next door to? It's Dennis Rodman, right? It has to be Rodman, with Lenny Dykstra and Jose Canseco also somewhere near the top. Any asshole who's gonna have four million cars parked outside his place and hookers throwing up on your patio is bad news.

(On the flipside, I'd give anything to live next door to Jake Plummer. I bet he invites neighbors over for free beer and handball all the time. What's that, Jake? You wouldn't mind looking after the kids for a few hours? YOU RULE.)

 

Wouldn't that be Deadspin funbags?

 

A.J. Daulerio, the neighbor who would pay the garbage man to figure out what was in your trash.

 

1. Curt Schilling -- The dude never shuts up and would be bugging you all the time.

2. Brett Favre -- Will he sell his house? Won't he? Who cares.

 

Albom would look around and see neighbors that weren't there.

 

Lenny Dykstra. Nails would try to sell YOUR house.

 

Mike Tyson. If you have kids, you'd have to worry that he'd want to eat them.

That, and you'd have to deal with a few thousand pounds of pigeon shit.

 

Andre Rison, circa 1995.

 

Najeh Davenport, if the locks to your laundry room didn't work so well...

 

Cecil "The Diesel" Collins, former LSU and Miami Dolphins running back. He enjoyed breaking into the apartments of attractive women and climbing into bed with them. He's still in jail.

Dennis Rodman - I'd be afraid that the UFO would take me out of my house by mistake.

Najeh Davenport - He doesn't understand that the closet is not a toilet.