Freud's Fourth Essay on the Theory of Sexuality ... Hot Buns

I could've put this on the commercial thread, but I was too gobsmacked to leave it buried there.

Has anyone seen the infomercial for Hot Buns? My daughter was watching something on Nick and I happened to see it.

Honest to God, I thought it was a fake commercial at least a minute into watching it. I kept waiting for a punch line that never came.

So that leaves the obvious question ... are buns in for women? Were they ever out? When did this happen?

I don't even know how I'd react to dating a woman with hair buns. Mrs. Bubbler does not do buns, so I'll never know, but I'd think they'd be distracting. You're running your fingers through her hair and you hit what amounts to a giant hair danish? Not erotic.

As for fucking? I don't think they'd work. For one, there's the inevitable hair bun injury if things get frisky, though I'll admit I someday want to hit the interwebs and read the story where someone was skulled by a hair bun whilst in the buck.

Sex is supposed to be free and urges are to be unfettered. Hair buns, by nature, constrict.

I think in some sort of self-interpretation of Freudian sexuality by way of TV informercials, maybe the woman who likes to fuck with a hair bun is more inhibited, no?

When she tells you she doesn't want a facial because she might recoil backwards and injure herself on her hair bun, it sounds all well and good, but I think deep down we all know its her subconscious Victorian values superego dominating her id and libido. Maybe that was going to be Freud's Fourth Essay on the Theory of Sexuality ... Hair Buns and The Sexual Subconscious?

The commercial is certainly in so-bad-its-good territory. But why three different bun sizes? Your head is always the same size. Is there any reason to ratchet the hair buns up and down like they're a Homeland Security threat alert?

And my God, the big one is like a fucking airplane neck pillow. Pretty sure you could hair bun half the circumference of Rhode Island with that monster.

Unless your head is roughly similar to that of Andre The Giant's, what in God's name is that can be done with that which would be construed as a fashion statement outside of the planet Alderaan?

(In looking up the spelling of Alderaan, I realized there's a Wikipedia entry for it. Our world is so FUCKED.)

Medium one? Sure. Why not. Go crazy. The small one? You just know some dude is going to stick his dick in it and try to thread his pubic hair into a bun. And when I say some dude, I mean every dude here at SJ.

This commercial also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that women SUCK at sexual innuendo. This commercial is chock full of it.

The name of the product itself is a giggle-snort way to get notice. Gratuitous ass shots in the commercial? Yes, but still safe enough for mom to use. Boring.

The "it goes in fast and easy, it feels good" woman looks at her cue cards twice. Twice! Ladies and Hot Buns marketers, don't fake sexual innuendo. As men, we can smell that weak shit from a furlong away.

Find an actress who is committed to that line, means it, lives it, loves it and works it. Make her deliver the line like she wants it right here and now. Like she'd gladly squeeze her tits around it.

I guarantee you'll move a helluva more Hot Buns because dipshit men like myself will be like, "Damn. That chick is wetter than Lindsay Lohan in a room full of blow supplied by women who are considering a bisexual fling. All because of Hot Buns? Extrapolate that! I'll bet if I buy my wife/girlfriend Hot Buns, she'll get all manner of freaky. I'm gonna buy one of those and get my dick sucked upside down and sideways!"

The secret is in the shaft indeed. Ours.

Cha-ching. You're welcome.

 

See: Jemele Hill, workin' that sideline game.

 

Princess Leia
Dr. Lilith Crane

 

That's pretty much the whole list.

 

Bubbler, you post this last week, you're poy easily

 

There have to be other examples of attractive women rocking the hair bun.

 

Caroline Ingalls
Alice Garvey
Miss Beadle

 

Hesitating to wade in here, but topknots have been huge the past 12-18 months.

 

Do you mean the popularity of topknots is on the rise?
Or do you mean the actual size of topknots is increasing?

 

At what point does a bun become a beehive?