1. Welcome to SportsJournalists.com, a friendly forum for discussing all things sports and journalism.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register for a free account to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.
    • Fewer ads.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Fresh gamer

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by MNgremlin, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. MNgremlin

    MNgremlin Active Member

    I don't get a chance to do too many gamers, so I wouldn't mind some feedback.

    MARSHALL - Saturday night was on its way to looking just like Friday night for Southwest Minnesota State - a loss.
    With four minutes left, the Mustangs trailed by seven. That's when Ryan Bruggeman took the game over and led SMSU to a 86-84 come-from-behind victory over Minot State.
    The redshirt freshman finished with seven points and eight assists in the win.
    Bruggeman was responsible for 10 of his team's 11 points in the last four minutes, tallying five points and two assists in the stretch.
    His last two points were the biggest.
    The Mustangs made a defensive stop and got the ball back with 17 seconds remaining and the game tied at 84. Bruggeman did the rest.
    "The coaches drew up a play to give me a high ball screen," Bruggeman said. "Coming off, we had Joey (Bartlett) popping up and Shaun (Condon) in the corner. (Minot State) just went to the shooters and I had a free lane."
    The high ball screen was an adjustment made by the coaching staff late in the game.
    "We provided some space on the floor to allow for better driving lanes," SMSU coach Brad Bigler said. "Fortunately for us, Ryan was able to turn the corner and get that layup."
    It was a familiar sight for the Beavers, as they lost Friday night to the University of Sioux Falls in overtime on a last-second shot. This time, the defensive lapse was a breakdown in execution by Minot State.
    "We came out of timeout saying we have to protect the lane and make them take a contested jumper and we didn't do that," MISU coach Matt Murken said. "Good execution on their part."

    Carter's career night
    The Beavers defense struggled to contain Carter Kirk all night long. The reserve center finished the game with a career-best 19 points on 9 of 10 shooting.
    In the first half, the only thing that slowed Kirk was foul trouble. Though the sophomore center only played eight minutes due to picking up three fouls, he led the Mustangs in the frame with nine points.
    "When he can slow it down and allow things to come to him, boy he's a tough matchup in the post," Bigler said. "Now the next phase is, there are teams that will double him and we have to make the right decision out of those doubles. He has the skill set and size to throw over the double team, but now we have to make the right decision and other guys will have to knock down those open shots."
    Just like he did throughout the night, it was Kirk who came up big in a key moment, getting a bucket and a blocked shot to start the SMSU comeback.
    It was that block that began an improved defensive effort down the stretch, as the Beavers finished just 2 for 9 from that point forward. Dominique McDonald had an open look for Minot State as time expired, but he missed the game-tying layup and SMSU escaped with the 86-84 win.
    SMSU will close out the 2015 portion of its schedule on Saturday night at the R/A Facility against USF. The Cougars defeated the Mustangs 78-72 in the first meeting of the season between the teams.
  2. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Not a bad effort. My 2 cents since you asked:

    I would ditch the first graf (looking just like Friday night) and start with Ryan Bruggeman taking the game over in the final four minutes down by 7. Previous game is really not that relevant.

    I also would try to get more personality/context on Bruggeman. Is he a starter? Did he come of the bench? Would be nice to get a feel for that.

    The first quote from Bruggeman is very technical and not that sexy. Talking about ball screens and such. I would paraphrase and run the readers through that shot with the information from the quote but not the entire quote so they can picture the last play in their minds.

    Same for the coach quote. Providing space on the floor to allow for better driving lanes is good information but too stiff and technical. Use that information to tell the readers about the planning/how it worked. It was a close game. No quotes to show the emotion?

    Then I get confused on the Beavers losing Friday night. Are we back to the lead? Why are we talking about Friday night again?

    Then you mention a defensive lapse. I can't picture a defensive lapse. Was it a dunk? Open 3-pointer? Or is every shot made a defensive laps in the coach's mind?

    I would change "the Beavers defense struggled to contain Carter Kirk all night long ... "


    The Beavers had trouble stopping Minot State reserve center Carter Kirk (height?), who had a career-best 19 points on 9 of 10 shooting.

    SMSU was fortunated that Kirk picked up three fouls in eight minute in the first half.


    When writing action, try to allow the reader to picture what you are describing.

    Use quotes carefully. Look for ones that get to the heart of the game/player/incident and/or show emotion.

    I think you have this structured well; just try to be less technical.

    Good luck
  3. MNgremlin

    MNgremlin Active Member

    Wow, can't believe I never mentioned that the game-winner was a layup. That was a defensive lapse on my part...

    And as for ditching the first graf, I had the same thought after it went to press.
  4. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    It takes practice. The coach did say layup in the quote, but if you have described it more instead of relying on quotes from both sides to do that, you could have painted a better picture.

    I was always very hard on quotes. They had to earn their way into the story (sometimes they earn their way in by being the only quotes I have, though).
  5. justgladtobehere

    justgladtobehere Well-Known Member

    'Responsible for 10 of his team's 11 points in the last four minutes' is a poor description. Only one player can be responsible for the points, the one who scored. Say 'had a part' or something similar. Also, that section had too many 'points' to read well.
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page