[First Essay] Atlanta Hawks beat out the Golden State Warriors

I'm about to send this to someone who's in charge of the internships in one of the big local newspapers here in Connecticut. He didn't particularly ask for one, but I thought I'd show him an article that I had recently written. Please tell me what you think, and if the criticisms are harsh, then so be it. For the sake of my education, please do every thing you can to 'rip' my article apart. :'(

 

I'd suggest that you don't send this in.

Is this supposed to be a column or a game story? Regardless, the final score is in the ninth graf. It needs to be among the first five grafs.

Also where are your quotes? You have a graf about Mike Woodson--which should be lower in the story--understanding the importance of having a point guard in the NBA. Well, back it up with a quote from him saying as much.

Next, you wrote that Bibby suffered a heel injury against Los Angeles. Did that injury occur against the Clippers or the Lakers?

Too much play by play here and really throughout the entire story. I don't know that he made a three with 1:07 remaining. You are expecting the reader to know what happened. Write as if the reader did not watch the game.

You wrote that the Hawks sat Bibby in the second half. Did Atlanta have a big lead and could afford to rest him?

I'm not sure that one half of basketball is enough to say Bibby is the right man for the Hawks. And many NBA players play hurt. What Bibby did wasn't anything out of the norm.

 

Blagh, you're right... but it's too late, I already sent it in. Sh*t.

 

Do you have any clips? Anything else to send in?

 

No, I don't think so. I don't know what you mean by 'clips'.

 

Stories you have written for publication. Maybe for a high school paper or college paper or paper that you have freelanced for.

 

I already sent him one of those already.

 

Just one? How many published stories do you have? Send him those.

 

Also, why would a SE of a Connecticut paper really care about a Hawks-Warriors gamer or a column on Mike Bibby? I think the only time there would be any interest is if the Celtics or Knicks (only two NBA teams close to Connecticut) were going to play Atlanta.

 

I could see it if the SE is trying to get a sense of his writing ability or potential.

To Matt, I don't see what importance the length of Woodson's tenure has on the piece.

If this is supposed to be a game story, the final score should be in the first paragraph. You can get away with having it come later when you have more experience, but right now, I'd recommend putting it up top.

If it's supposed to be a column, you'd still need to get quotes from Woodson or Bibby about the importance of point guard play in the NBA. It may be your opinion, but you still need to back up your opinion with facts. They are what give opinion columns their credibility when the writer has it.

 

I wrote him this article because he told me that as soon as I could write about any story (if you read my previous topic before, I posted one of his emails that said to try to be more of a facts and stats person instead of opinion), I should try and improve my writing style, and that's what I was trying to do. That's why it was a Hawks/Warriors game. It has nothing to do with him being in Connecticut...

 

Matt, you're young and you're going to have plenty of time to learn. So I'm going to say this as gently as possible: Don't ever post a personal e-mail from a SE here again. You don't know if the editor in question posts here or reads the site. He or She took the time to write a private e-mail to you about what he or she wants to see. I doubt that they wanted to see their words published on a journalists message board.