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Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by carson08, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. carson08

    carson08 New Member

    Hey everyone. I'm a first year journalism student at St. Thomas in Fredericton NB. I wrote for the school paper (a few baseball and mostly an NBA column) to help me improve my writing. I'll post some here and any feedback I could get would be fantastic. I'm sure this is what I want to do and I want to make sure I'm the best I can be. Here's my lastest one. A short thing on Dikembe Mutombo's career.

    "When you take the elevator up to reach the top, don't forget to send it back down so that someone else can take it to the top." That African proverb gives a fairly good description of Rockets center Dikembe Mutombo. It should come to no surprise that the mentioned proverb is one of Mutombo's favorite quotes. Over his 17 year career, Mutombo has made a name for himself for not only his excellent basketball play, but his outstanding work off the court. It's hard to believe that at the conclusion of the Rockets season, we’ll probably see the end his career..
    Mutombo was born in the Democratic Republic of Congo on June 25th, 1966. Mutombo came to America to attend Georgetown University with the intentions of becoming a doctor but was recruited to play basketball. At Georgetown, he became one of the top centers in the all of college basketball. After three years at Georgetown, Mutombo entered the draft where he was selected 4th overall by the Denver Nuggets. Mutombo would spend five excellent years in Denver before signing with the Atlanta Hawks. From there, he would be traded to the Sixers where he made his first and only appearance in the NBA Finals. After one and a half years with Philly he was traded again, this time to the Nets. Injuries would come into play for Mutombo here, which would cause his play to drop. From New Jersey, he would have a short stint in New York and an even shorter one in Chicago (only for part of the 2004 offseason) before finally settling in Houston, where he has played for the last 4 seasons. If Mutombo goes through with his word and retires, he would end his career averaging 9.9 PPG, 10.4 RPG, 2.8 BPG, and shoot 52% from the floor. Along with that, he's also an 8 time all-star, 6 time all NBA defensive team, 3 time all NBA team, and a 4 time Defensive Player of The Year. Mutombo is also 2nd all-time in blocks and 17th all-time in rebounds.
    Not only is Dikembe a great basketball player, he is an amazing human being. He's a very educated man, being able to speak over 4 languages. While at Georgetown, Mutombo served as an intern for Congress and for the World Bank. Mutombo is a well known humanitarian as well. He started a foundation in his homeland to help improve living conditions as well as opened a hospital on the outskirts of his hometown of Kinshasa. Mutombo put forward $15 million of his own money towards the project His charity work does not go unnoticed as he won the President's Service Award,in 1999, along with many other awards. His charitable work also gets recognition from the White House.
    The Rockets are in the playoffs, so it's uncertain when their season will end. If things go according to plan, when their season ends, Mutombo's career ends too. There's no denying the success the 41 year old center has had in 17 seasons. There's a very good chance he'll find himself in the Basketball Hall of Fame. Mutombo has not only been a great basketball player, but an incredible human being. Number 55 will be missed.
  2. SamMonson

    SamMonson New Member

    My first reply to one of these - so excuse if i make any ettiquette errors..

    Overall i liked it, if just for the image of Dr. Mutumbo.

    "Injuries would come into play for Mutombo here, which would cause his play to drop." I'm not wild on that sentence. I'd think about some kind of re-wording. Maybe something like "his stay in New Jersey was marred by injury". I also think it might be better to combine the NY and Chicago part with this into one sentence, since it's essentially the insignificant part of his career and the story.

    'Being able to speak over 4 languages' - How many can he speak? Over 4, or 4? If more than 4, how many?

    When you get to the second half, i also try and avoid beginning each point with his name, or 'he', since it can come across as a simple list. Try to turn the sentence around, so that you can sling in his name to the middle, but avoid the list-style appearance. Something like "when starting his foundation...blah blah...mutumbo sank $15m of his own money into the project"

    Mostly nit-picking, but it's just flow really - read the thing back to yourself and anytime you find it hic-cup'ing, try to see if you can't work out a better flowing re-wording.
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