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Feedback on my high school game recap please

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by SteveRomano13, Oct 5, 2014.

  1. SteveRomano13

    SteveRomano13 Member


    Hey guys,

    Can I please have feedback on this game recap. Thanks!
  2. Batman

    Batman Well-Known Member

    1) Everybody has a senior night, so it's not capitalized.

    2) A lot of the middle portion could've been streamlined better. My suggestions are in bold. The XXX at the end is because you never mention what Kleszczynski's touchdown put the score at. It should be there.
    It also should be referred to as the go-ahead touchdown, not the game-winner. A game-winner implies a walk-off or late touchdown that offers little to no chance of a comeback. This seems like it came in the third quarter.

    3) I would've liked to have seen some more focus on South Hadley's defense. You went there in the lead, which is good, but then you got away from it. South Hadley got lit up in the first half, then shut down Chicopee in the second and saved the game with a key play. That should have been included higher as an accompanying fact or segue from the lead to the play-by-play:

    Before making its final stand, South Hadley seemed barely capable of standing up. Chicopee quarterback Tony Slaughter shredded the Tigers' defense for 143 yards and two touchdowns in the first half on 5-of-7 passing. Both touchdowns went to Isaiah Jackson, who caught XXX passes for 121 yards and added another 58 yards on the ground.
    South Hadley made adjustments to stop Slaughter, however, and kept Chicopee off the scoreboard in the second half.
    Chicopee finally got its running game going late, as Ramiro Cruz ran nine times for 51 yards on the final drive that took the ball inside the 5-yard line. Then the Tigers' defense stiffened again, with Lucia's sack on fourth down capping the goal line stand.

    4) That final bit of drama with the bobbled snap also could've been worked in higher. Seems like an overly dramatic way to finish after South Hadley had seemingly dodged the final bullet.

    On the whole, it's not a terrible gamer but not great. I've read better and I've read far worse. This is at least a pretty easy edit. Organization is the main problem with it, not missing information or incoherence.
  3. jr/shotglass

    jr/shotglass Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't necessarily think that chronological is the way to go in a game story. You don't need to list things in order, A, B, C and D. You were going there; you had the big sack in the second paragraph. But then by the third, you went into A, B and C.

    Get what's important up high. That's seldom the first drive, or first touchdown, of the game. If you need to detail the play-by-play, get it down lower.

    Write your first paragraph to make the reader want to read the second. Write your second paragraph to make the reader want to read the third. Rinse and repeat.
  4. SteveRomano13

    SteveRomano13 Member

    Thanks guys. I'm trying.
  5. jr/shotglass

    jr/shotglass Well-Known Member

    I've seen a lot worse. Not a bad start.
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