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Feedback on gamer please

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by SteveRomano13, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. SteveRomano13

    SteveRomano13 Member

  2. SBR

    SBR Member

    A couple takeaways from your lede.

    "Sam Sala may have had a tight cramp in his leg from the heat, but when he returned,"

    You tell us he may have had a cramp but you don't say he left the game because of it. So when you say he returned it's a non sequitur. Also, there's no such thing as a "tight cramp." A cramp is a tight muscle, you can't have a tight cramp.

    he capitalized on Taconic’s loose defense. Sala punched in two touchdowns

    Remember when you're using verb metaphors that the words still have meaning. If you say he "punched in," that implies he needed a strong, concentrated burst of force to get through the D. It shouldn't be used as an all-purpose synonym for "scored."

    It's a problem because you already described the defense as "loose." So was it Sala's extraordinary effort that created the touchdown, or lackluster execution from the defense? We don't really know from what you wrote. If it was the defense at fault, choose a more apt metaphor, i.e. danced through/paraded through/plowed through/etc.
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