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Feedback on fluffy-ish article on basketball recruit. First time asking for help

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by earlyentry, Aug 1, 2007.

  1. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    BRONX, N.Y. – The biceps belonging to Christian Morris are hard to miss.

    They balloon out bulging from his scarlet red Rutgers tank top like “The Hulk”, exposing some fine tattoo artwork up and around his thick arms.

    It’s at this point you realize there are few players in the area who can match the physical presence of Morris, the mammoth 6-foot-9 power forward from South Kent Prep (CT) headed to Rutgers in 2008.

    While his body may ignite spirited debates between hoop junkies and recruiters- mostly because his weight and effort on the court fluctuates like the stock market– yesterday at Nate Blue’s All-Star event at Fordham University was simply a day of admiration.

    “I feel good,” said Morris, one half of Rutgers’ class of 2008 who scored 5 points on the winning side of last night’s all-star game that also featured St. John’s target Omari Lawrence and Louisville-bound guard Melquan Bolding.

    “Being that I’m playing back in shape, I can only get better; get cut up.”

    Morris said he weighed close to 295 pounds when he arrived at South Kent, but is closer now to “270-275”, which will only help with his stamina and quickness around the rim, the area where Morris is notorious for his thunderous, earth-shattering slams.

    “I want to get to 265, but I’m going to try to lose it when I’m at school. (South Kent coach Ralph Chillious’) wife, she’s a good nutritionist. She’ll have me eating salads and all that.”

    On the recruiting front, both Morris and his mother are thrilled of his choice and that the process is finally over. And with the AAU season all but finished, the only opponent during the month of August appears to be junk food.

    Meanwhile, little progress or news has been made on the re-recruitment of Olu Ashaolu, the multi-talented wing whom the Scarlet Knights hope to see join Morris when it’s all said and done.

    Doing his best Jerry Maguire, Morris said he’s reached out a few times to Ashaolu, whom he played with at the NBA Camp in Colorado earlier this summer.

    “Yea, we’re trying to get Olu back,” said Morris. “I’ve called him a couple of times. He said most likely, since I committed, he might reconsider coming back…because he didn’t want to play the four…that would be a good look if he did come.”

    What’s going through his mind?

    “A lot, but he’ll make the right decision when it comes down to it,” Morris said, adding “I hope (he commits to Rutgers), he’s a good player. We were on the same team at NBA Camp. I enjoyed playing with him…and Mike (Rosario.)”

    On the topic of Rosario, everyone knows the sharpshooter has blasted through the summer circuit much like a cannon. His AAU team hardly lost this summer, and you’d be nitpicking to find a damaging flaw in his game.

    “I just don’t want to lose,” said Morris, directing his attention on a disappointing loss in Las Vegas, where his New England Playaz lost in a second round matchup.

    “I know Mike, he don’t like to lose. We just have to build a good program. I don’t know a lot of the kids personally at Rutgers, but I’m pretty sure they don’t like to lose either.

    “I wanna’ win, I love winning. I know Mike personally, so it’s going to be real good at Rutgers. We’re going to definitely be on top.”
  2. earlyentry

    earlyentry Member

    note: this is for a team recruiting web site, not a newspaper.
  3. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    Re: Feedback on fluffy-ish article on basketball recruit. First time asking for

    Early -

    Thanks for posting your work for us to share.

    A few second-cup-of-coffee thoughts this morning.

    - The first line here is pretty awkward, and makes the biceps sound detachable, as if Morris kept them in a gym bag and carried them around.

    - What was the score of last night's All-Star game?

    - The first ten sentences keep hinting at a weight problem. Don't be coy - just say the kid's a monster, but scouts and coaches are wary of his weight and motivation troubles.

    - Thrilled "with," not thrilled "of."

    - "Doing his best Jerry Maguire" puts one immediately in mind of "Show me the money!", rather than the generic sports-agent reference you intend.

    - "Sharpshooter," "blasted," "cannon" mixes a metaphor.

    - Too many quotes doing too little work in the second half of the piece.

    - "Attention to" not "attention on" in this context.

    - In general the piece feels sort of disjointed to me, with one sentence banging into the next rather than flowing from point to point. And while I understand that this is a scouting report as much as it is anything else, I think you still need to approach it as a story. Thus it needs a central theme, and a beginning, a middle and an end. Given those basic elements, the flow from one sentence to the next, and from one thought to the next, will take care of themselves.

    Hope this helps a little. Thanks again for posting.
  4. tapintoamerica

    tapintoamerica Well-Known Member

    The piece starts as if it's going to be a 40-inch takeout on the guy in general. It then evolves into a more newsy, update sort of thing. Nothing wrong with either concept; it's just that the story should probably be structured as one or the other.
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