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Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by whittcarter, Sep 15, 2012.

  1. whittcarter

    whittcarter New Member

    Here's a feature I wrote this week about two brothers that will play against each other in a D-2 Football game today. Feedback is appreciated. Thanks.


    This Saturday, Barbara Moses, mother of senior DL Sam Moses, will be in attendance at a football game, as usual.

    She will stand and take pictures. She will cheer on her two boys, just like she does every weekend.

    However this time, rooting on her two sons will be different.

    Sam and older brother, Josh, will both take the field this Saturday; at the same time. Sam for Central Oklahoma and Josh for Emporia State; a rare situation, no doubt.

    But not only will they play on opposite sides. They will actually play against each other.

    On every snap of the ball.

    Sam is a four-year starter at defensive tackle and Josh is a senior left guard for Emporia State. Talk about an unparalleled matchup.

    The last time the two actually competed against each other was in high school. But that was in practice; this is a game.

    “I’m excited,” Josh said. “Playing against your brother is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It’s should be lots of fun.”

    “It’s going to be crazy, for sure,” Sam said.

    Crazy, is how many supporters the two brothers will have this weekend. Over 50 relatives will gather in Emporia, KS on Saturday for a pre-game cookout, just outside of Welch Stadium. There will be black and gold; bronze and blue. Apparel will feature “Moses” shirts with one Moses on the front and the other on the back.

    And about those pictures? Don’t fret; Barbara hired a photographer.

    It will be a celebration of two, hard-working young men, who have both achieved their dreams, in part, thanks to each other.

    “Samuel (as older brother refers to him) and I have always been close,” Josh said. “We have always pushed each other to be better at everything we do.”

    “I’ve learned a lot from Josh. He’s always helped prepare me, whether that be when I was going through the recruiting process or fighting through adversity, he’s always been there,” Sam said.

    Josh, who is 23 months older than Sam, graduated from Broken Arrow in 2008. He’s dealt with several knee injuries since playing at ESU, but a medical hardship allowed the levelheaded, older sibling one more year of eligibility.

    “I really admire him for what he’s gone through. He fought through it when he could have checked it in,” Sam said. “I’ve never once heard him complain about anything. It’s a testament to him and our parents.”

    The respect goes both ways. From seeing Sam step onto a college field at age 17 and to now, be the leader of his football team, Josh has realized and is proud in the fact that Sam has grown so much.

    “He’s taken a big leadership role and embraced the responsibilities that go with it,” Josh said. “He started his career at such a young age and he’s maintained such a high level of performance every year since.”

    As Saturday approaches, there has been some definite trash talk spewed out from the mouth of younger brother.

    Sam is the louder one, according to himself, so one can expect some jawing from the two at the line-of-scrimmage throughout the day. Anything goes, except momma jokes, of course.

    “We’ve talked quite a bit lately,” Sam said. “His coaches have been giving him a hard time about going up against me. I told him he’s in trouble.”

    This competitive spirit has flowed from one another since they were young boys. Growing up less than two years apart instituted a very tight-knit childhood, which made for some typical sibling stories.

    Heck, they even shared a room up until junior high.

    “I was always the instigator growing up,” Sam said, with a grin from ear-to-ear. “We were always competitive. I think there are a couple of holes in the wall that our mom doesn’t know about.”

    For now, Sam and Josh might be trouble-free. This Saturday, I don’t think mom will be thinking about the holes in the wall.

    She’ll be standing, smiling and cheering; praying for overtime.
     
  2. BDC99

    BDC99 Well-Known Member

    Good story. Did a real quick edit job on it. Remember, less is more. And make sparing use of the semicolons. In most cases, a new sentence or a comma will be better. Semicolons can trip the reader up.

    Like the ending. Just needs some polish. Good use of some good quotes, but avoid using words like hard-working and levelheaded. Tell us what makes them so, or quote someone as saying this. Otherwise, it's your opinion.

    And please take this only as constructive criticism.


    Here's a feature I wrote this week about two brothers who that will play against each other in a D-II2 Ffootball game today. Feedback is appreciated. Thanks.


    This Saturday, Barbara Moses, mother of senior DL Sam Moses, will be in attendance at a football game, as usual.
    Barbara Moses, mother of XXschoolXX senior defensive tackle Sam Moses, will attend a football game Saturday, as she usually does.

    She will stand and take pictures. She will cheer on her two boys, just like she does every weekend.

    However, this time, rooting on her two sons will be different.

    Sam and older brother, Josh, will both take the field this Saturday; at the same time. Sam will be playing for Central Oklahoma, and Josh for Emporia State.; a rare situation, no doubt.

    But Not only will they play on opposite teams, but sides. Tthey will get to hit each other. actually play against each other.

    On every snap. of the ball.

    Sam is a four-year starter at defensive tackle, and Josh is a senior left guard for Emporia State.
    Talk about an unparalleled matchup.Why?

    The last time the two actually competed against each other was in high school. But that was in practice.
    [; this is a game.

    “I’m excited,” Josh Moses said. “Playing against your brother is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It’s should be lots of fun.”

    “It’s going to be crazy, for sure,” Sam Moses said.

    What is crazy is how many supporters the two brothers will have this weekend. More than Over 50 relatives will gather in Emporia, Kan. KS on Saturday for a pregame cookout , just outside of Welch Stadium. There will be black and gold, and bronze and blue.
    Apparel will feature “Moses” shirts, with one Moses on the front and the other on the back. Don't know what this means

    And about those pictures? Don’t fret -- Barbara has hired a photographer.

    It will be a celebration of two , hard-working young men, who have both achieved their dreams, in part, because of thanks to each other.

    “Samuel (as his older brother refers to him) and I have always been close,” Josh Moses said. “We have always pushed each other to be better at everything we do.”

    “I’ve learned a lot from Josh," Sam said. "He’s always helped prepare me, whether that be when I was going through the recruiting process or fighting through adversity, he’s always been there.”

    Josh, who is 23 months older, than Sam, graduated from Broken Arrow in 2008. He has dealt with several knee injuries since arriving playing at ESU, but a medical hardship allowed the levelheaded, older sibling one more year of eligibility.

    “I really admire him for what he’s gone through. He fought through it when he could have checked it in,” Sam Moses said. “I’ve never once heard him complain about anything. It’s a testament to him and our parents.”

    The respect goes both ways. From seeing Sam step onto a college field at age 17 and to now, becoming be the leader of his football team, Josh has realized and is proud in the fact that Sam has grown so much.

    “He’s taken a big leadership role and embraced the responsibilities that go with it,” Josh said. “He started his career at such a young age, and he’s maintained such a high level of performance every year since.”

    As Saturday approaches, there has been some definite trash talk spewed out from the mouth of younger brother.

    Sam acknowledges he is the louder one, according to himself, so one can expect some jawing from the two at the line-of-scrimmage can be expected throughout the game. day. Anything goes, except mama momma jokes, of course. Not sure about this, but I'll let it slide because it is kind of funny.

    “We’ve talked quite a bit lately,” Sam said. “His coaches have been giving him a hard time about going up against me. I told him he’s in trouble.”

    This competitive spirit has flowed from one another since they were young boys. Growing up less than two years apart made for instituted a very tight bond.
    -knit childhood, which made for some typical sibling stories.

    Heck, They even shared a room up until junior high.

    “I was always the instigator growing up,” Sam said with a grin. from ear-to-ear. “We were always competitive. I think there are a couple of holes in the wall that our mom doesn’t know about.”

    For now, Sam and Josh might be trouble-free. This Saturday, I don’t think mom likely won't be thinking about the holes in the wall.

    She’ll be standing, smiling and cheering. And praying for overtime.
     
  3. whittcarter

    whittcarter New Member

    Thanks BBC, I appreciate the guidance.
     
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