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Feature story from the new guy

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by ouipa, Nov 7, 2007.

  1. ouipa

    ouipa Member

    Hi guys. First post. Definitely not the last.

    I'm a 21-year-old high school sports stringer at the Athens Messenger in Athens, Ohio, and a senior at Ohio University. This is my first feature story for a publication (outside of class), and as such it would be great to get some feedback.

    Good, bad, whatever. As long as it's constructive, it's wholly welcome. Thanks!

    ----------------------------------

    By IAN ABBOTT
    Special to the Messenger

    As the sun drifted behind the hillside near Trimble High School and the school’s football practice neared its conclusion, senior Chuck Dunlevy took his place on the right side of the offensive line.

    Dunlevy’s appearance makes him stand out among his peers on the line. At 6-foot-1 and 215 pounds, he is the most physically imposing player on the offense, and the gold “ARMY” lettering on his jersey, along with his vocal nature, heralds his leadership.

    When the ball is snapped, however, he is just another piece of Trimble’s veteran and workmanlike line and one of three seniors on it. His legs churn, his cleats dig into the hardened dirt of Trimble’s practice field, and when the play is ruled dead, he returns to the huddle ready for the next play, his shoulders gently moving up and down with each breath.

    Less than a season ago, this was a much different picture. Dunlevy was regularly so exhausted he could hardly hold his block until the whistle. Everyone, including Dunlevy, knew his weight was the problem, but no one thought he had what it took to change that.

    Eight weeks of Basic Training for the Army Reserve, however, helped Dunlevy shed years of pounds and doubts.

    * * *

    Despite the weight problems that ran in his family, Dunlevy always had the passion to play football. He had the heart for the trenches, and at 280 pounds and easily the biggest player on Trimble’s small offensive line, he had the power to play tackle.

    However, he still had his physical limitations. One offensive series was often enough to have him heaving on the sidelines.

    “Last year, I could barely make it through the whole game without being ready to die,” Dunlevy said. “Just playing offense, I was coming off the field out of breath.”

    A lot of that agility and endurance could have been developed through more running, but Dunlevy was only in football for the hitting. Running was just a necessary evil.

    “We get done with practice, and we have to run,” Dunlevy said. “Coach would be like, ‘Go get on the line!’ and I’d be like, ‘Oh, God, running.’”

    Dunlevy was repeatedly heckled by coaches for lacking hustle, but if there was one thing that motivated Dunlevy, it was anger.

    “I was getting mad, but that madness helped me do better and run a little bit faster,” Dunlevy said.

    He did little to lose the weight that held him back, however. He would even go so far as to drive his Jeep 100 yards across the street to his grandparents’ house rather than walk.

    His decision to enter the Army Reserves was the motivation he needed to lose the weight once and for all. He knew he had to lose the weight or face failure—or worse, rejection.

    To prepare Dunlevy for Basic Combat Training, his mother helped design a makeshift training program in the woods behind his grandfather’s house. For weeks, Dunlevy crawled through old water pipes, pushed wheelbarrows full of bricks up steep hills, and—as much as he hated it—ran over nearly every inch of Bishopville, his hometown.

    Dunlevy had lost 25 pounds during preparation, but even with all his knowledge, all his experience and all he had proven to this point, one quality still culled a number of doubters.

    “There were some people here in the community thinking, ‘Well, he weighs 255 pounds. He’s not going to make it through Basic,’” Dunlevy said. “I had to keep that in my head for motivation.”

    Dunlevy hoped that when he was shipped out in mid-June for his eight weeks of Basic Training at Fort Jackson in Columbia, S.C., all the scrutiny would remain behind, but when the drill sergeant approached him for the first time, Dunlevy realized it had followed him to Fort Jackson.

    “So when’s the baby due?” the drill sergeant asked Dunlevy when he entered his platoon.

    Dunlevy would have to escape the criticism on his own.

    “I took it a little personal,” said Dunlevy, the second-heaviest soldier in the platoon. “But I knew (the weight) was going to be off by the end of that summer.”

    However, the weight proved to be a greater obstacle than Dunlevy expected.

    At Fort Jackson’s Victory Tower, Dunlevy had to scale 30-foot cargo nets, rappel down 100-foot walls, and help dozens of fellow soldiers over walls twice as tall as he.

    Then there was the running. Sometimes, Dunlevy would have to run up steep hills with a 65-pound backpack. Other times, he would be driven out with a group and have to march back to his barracks—three, six, 12 miles in the hot South Carolina sun with a rucksack full of supplies. At one point, the temperature even hit a South Carolina record of 115 degrees.

    All the while, Dunlevy’s drill sergeants were in his ear about his weight and hustle.

    As the agonies and anxieties piled up at Victory Tower, Dunlevy began to wonder if his doubters were right.

    “Most of the training, I was feeling homesick, and I was thinking, I can’t do this. This is hard,” Dunlevy said. “But I kept pushing myself through it.”

    He was starting to see results, though.

    “We had this race called the ‘Fit to Win,’” Dunlevy said. “We had a bunch of courses like crawling under barbed wire and crossing logs. Our team came in second. We came within about two seconds of first, and we had some big guys on our team.

    “Everyone was saying, ‘Oh, they’re going to get last, because they’re big boys.’ Those big boys can move a bit quicker than you think.”

    With each passing day, Dunlevy realized, so could he.

    He had a lot of help. There were still many doubters back in Bishopville, but with each mail call, that number became increasingly insignificant.

    “Letters from home helps you get through it,” Dunlevy said. “I had the most letters in Basic. Every night, when they called mail call, the drill sergeant would read the name off and just say, ‘The person that gets a lot of mail,’ and just throw it to me. I got over 110 letters during Basic.”

    After Dunlevy failed the physical fitness test—pushups, sit-ups and a two-mile run—by 20 seconds in the seventh week, however, Dunlevy received a different type of letter.

    “I got this letter from my mom telling me what a wimp I was, saying the people from Nelsonville are calling me a wimp,” Dunlevy said. “When she gets me mad, it gets me motivated.”

    Now he could pass the test, which he did later that week. He was now able to graduate in a week.

    On Dunlevy’s final week in Fort Jackson, the battalion went out as a group—all 1,000 soldiers—for one last three-mile run. It was a leisurely run, more of a celebration of brotherhood and success than a test of endurance, but even a few of those who had come so far could not finish the run.

    Dunlevy was not one of them.

    “I wasn’t even tired after the end of it,” he said. “I was thinking, Hey, let’s run more.”

    He’d impressed more than just family, friends, and doubters.

    “Chuck was one of those examples of a person’s inner drive overcoming physical limitations,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Wasileski, an Athens area recruiter. “It was a tremendous achievement to go from the weight he was at in such a short period of time and continue to excel in Basic Training. Most people at his weight probably would have quit.”

    Since Dunlevy has returned, he’s noticed the changes Basic Training has made to his play on the football field.

    “I have more energy,” Dunlevy said. “When I used to block, I’d never block clear to the whistle. This year, I stay on my block and keep driving him until the whistle blows. The defensive guy in practice gets mad, but that’s not going to help me or him as a player for me to back off.”

    Dunlevy has made sure to keep up the healthy habits. He has traded fried chicken for grilled chicken, desserts for vegetables and extra sleep for mile-long runs around Bishopville. And when he goes to his grandparents’ house, the Jeep stays in the garage.

    Eight weeks of Basic Training had done what years of reluctant running couldn’t, and just before Dunlevy’s graduation from Fort Jackson, one last person remarked on the progress he’d made.

    “At the end, my drill sergeant said my family wouldn’t recognize me because I’m not fat anymore,” Dunlevy said with a smile. “That’s really what he said.”

    * * *

    Before the Tomcats’ game on Sept. 28 against Eastern, Dunlevy stood at the 40-yard line amid the other homecoming king candidates. As the Trimble public address announcer called off the names, Dunlevy stood tall with his helmet under his arm, fit and trim at 215 pounds.

    At first glance, he is just another face in the crowd. To his name, he has football, wrestling, all the extracurricular activities that all the candidates seem to have in common.

    All, except one.

    “I repeat,” the public address announcer said, “Dunlevy is in the Army Reserves.”

    Dunlevy remains professional and stoic, even in the midst of the crowd’s applause, which turned into an ovation when it was finally announced that he had been chosen to be this year’s homecoming king.

    Dunlevy stepped to the 50-yard line to accept his award, yet even as the homecoming queen beamed while she was crowned with a tiara and handed a bouquet of roses, Dunlevy was just as he was before: his fingers drumming on the helmet under his arm, his head high and stolid. Amid the balloons, the festivities, the flashbulbs and the applause, Dunlevy looked as uncomfortable in the spotlight as a bat.

    Dunlevy looked much more comfortable 10 minutes later, when he took his place on the right side of the offensive line for the Tomcats’ first play from scrimmage. The audience roared and watched Eing scamper 11 yards for a first down.

    Back at the line, away from the play and out of view, Dunlevy held his block all the way to the whistle.
     
  2. Good job. Nice, vivid writing, and I like how the end reflected on the beginning. Maybe a touch too long, but I can live with that.

    There were two things that jumped out at me:

    I didn't get a sense of what the basic training program meant to him more than simply a way of getting into better shape. Did he learn something about himself in the program that has helped him emotionally, or mentally? And not just with football.

    Talk to his coach, or his mom or dad or teammate (or all of them), about how they think the program changed him. He sounds like a much better player, but it would be interesting to hear their take. They've witnessed the transformation.
     
  3. Duespayer

    Duespayer New Member

    Call his sergent or a few army buddies and edit in a section of anecdotes.
    Could discover a stronger lede.
     
  4. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    I really like the beginning and end of this story and I think the story idea as a whole is fantastic. You set the scene in the opening and closing really well, made me feel like I was there. That was a complete success.

    In the middle, you need more sources. I only counted one other than Dunleavey (the recruiter). It sounds like his mom was a big part of this. Talk to her. Sounds like she might have some interesting quotes, too.

    Also, I think you story lost a little steam in the middle. One thing that stuck out to me was how his feelings toward running changed. That made me laugh ... "Then there was the running." I might have used that to help the reader along, progressing the story and Dunleavey.

    All in all though, really good job. I really enjoyed this one.
     
  5. silentbob

    silentbob Member

    I echo everyone else.
    Nice story-telling.

    Sourcing: (And maybe this a thread for a different board) I have never read a story and thought "This needs more voices." As long as the story's complete, you're good. Don't misunderstand: That doesnt mean to shortchange your reporting. Talk to 10 people, 15 people, 30. Use their informaton to tell the story, but dont feel a need to get their name and quotes in the story to show it.
     
  6. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Abbott,

    First, let me echo what others have said so far. For someone new to the biz, this is very impressive stuff. Fact is, for many veterans in the biz, it would be solid, solid stuff. It's a winning story because of the subject matter--you came up with a great story, toughest thing to do. One flaw, a common one, is under-reporting and not bringing in enough voices into a story. Others have noted that. It's a fair criticism but easily fixed. I'll make a couple of suggestions. Please take them constructively.


    As the sun drifted behind the hillside near Trimble High School and the school’s football practice neared its conclusion, senior Chuck Dunlevy took his place on the right side of the offensive line. This stuff is a little loose. Some extraneous detail. If we could get to him taking his place on the line after how-many hrs of practice, even a little bounce in his step. You know if we can show the results of the conditioning (against the expectations of fatigue in circumstances) right up top. The sun setting, the hillside, not necessary.

    Dunlevy’s appearance makes him stand out among his peers on the line. At 6-foot-1 and 215 pounds, he is the most physically imposing player on the offense, and the gold “ARMY” lettering on his jersey, along with his vocal nature, heralds his leadership. I think the italicized is a bridge sentence unnecessary here--he stands out and he's the most physically imposing = redundant.

    When the ball is snapped, however, he is just another piece of Trimble’s veteran and workmanlike line and one of three seniors on it. His legs churn, his cleats dig into the hardened dirt of Trimble’s practice field, and when the play is ruled dead, he returns to the huddle ready for the next play, his shoulders gently moving up and down with each breath. can you see the steam rising off him, coming through his facemask with each breath? I like the other visuals though. Any sounds you can add?

    Less than a season ago, this was a much different picture. Dunlevy was regularly so exhausted he could hardly hold his block until the whistle. Everyone, including Dunlevy, knew his weight was the problem, but no one thought he had what it took to change that. This is one place that there might be a little more detail. Did he have to drop to his knees sometimes? Bent over at the waist? Pull himself out?

    Eight weeks of Basic Training for the Army Reserve, however, helped Dunlevy shed years of pounds and doubts. Very good. Really.

    * * *

    Despite the weight problems that ran in his family, Dunlevy always had the passion to play football. He had the heart for the trenches, and at 280 pounds and easily the biggest player on Trimble’s small offensive line, he had the power to play tackle. You should give a sentence or two to that history of weight problems in the family. Not out of place right here. Maybe the fact that others in his family did/didn't play sports. then move "the heart of trenches, etc" as the first sentence in the next graph.

    However, he still had his physical limitations. One offensive series was often enough to have him heaving on the sidelines.

    “Last year, I could barely make it through the whole game without being ready to die,” Dunlevy said. “Just playing offense, I was coming off the field out of breath.”

    A lot of that my question is which are you talking about, you haven't mentioned agility and enduarance before agility and endurance could have been developed through more running, but Dunlevy was only in football for the hitting. Running was just a necessary evil. I dunno about that. Doesn't feel like the right words,

    “We get done with practice, and we have to run,” Dunlevy said. “Coach would be like, ‘Go get on the line!’ and I’d be like, ‘Oh, God, running.’”

    Dunlevy was repeatedly heckled probably not the right wordby coaches for lacking hustle, but if there was one thing that motivated Dunlevy, it was anger. He admits the words stung but motivated him.

    “I was getting mad, but that madness helped me do better and run a little bit faster,” Dunlevy said.

    He did little other than what, no butter on his potatoes, switch to Diet Coke, give a mention to a slight effort he made, maybeto lose the weight that held him back, however. He would even go so far as to drive his Jeep 100 yards across the street to his grandparents’ house rather than walk. A winning detail. Great.

    His decision to enter the Army Reserves was the motivation he needed to lose the weight once and for all. He knew he had to lose the weight or face failure—or worse, rejection.

    To prepare Dunlevy for Basic Combat Training, his mother helped design a makeshift training program in the woods behind his grandfather’s house. For weeks, Dunlevy crawled through old water pipes, pushed wheelbarrows full of bricks up steep hills, and—as much as he hated it—ran over nearly every inch of Bishopville, his hometown.

    Dunlevy had lost 25 pounds during preparation, but even with all his knowledge, all his experience and all he had proven to this point, one quality still culled a number of doubters.

    “There were some people here in the community thinking, ‘Well, he weighs 255 pounds. He’s not going to make it through Basic,’” Dunlevy said. “I had to keep that in my head for motivation.”


    I'll parse some more if you'd like. I'm just a little tight for time right now. I use the first story that I had published as a test for my j-school mag class and you've got goods that I didn't have at the same age. PM me if you like.

    YHS, etc
     
  7. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

    I can probably add some technical advice, here.

    The biggest thing is, I wouldn't capitalize BCT. It'd be like capitalizing astronaut training, or something. And check out that rappel tower thing. 100 feet seems like ALOT. Try to talk to his drill sergeant. They are colorful people 8)
     
  8. Alma

    Alma Well-Known Member

    I echo some of the thoughts here. Couple things that stood out:

    Need quotes from the drill sergeant.

    Need quotes from the mom, including, quite frankly, why she sent a letter to her son calling him a wimp.

    Should ask kid/mom why they think anger is a good motivator, because it's a shitty one and bound to bubble up later.
     
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