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FB Gamer

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Sam Waller, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. Sam Waller

    Sam Waller New Member

    I usually don't worry about critiquing deadline work, but I figured what the hell.

    Gamer from the Euless Trinity-Odessa Permian game which was on national TV.

    Have at it.

    Sam Waller

    For the Permian Panthers, this was no fluke, no upset, not catching lightning in a bottle.

    This was exactly what was supposed to happen.

    An inspired defense forced five turnovers and an opportunistic offense turned four of them into scores Saturday as the Panthers rolled to a 30-3 victory over the fifth-ranked Euless Trinity Trojans at Ratliff Stadium.

    “We put together a pretty complete game and that’s exciting,” Panthers coach Darren Allman said. “We’re thrilled about the way our defense played. They played faster than what they’ve played all year.

    “I knew when we came in after the pregame that our guys were fixing to play well. They had that look in their eyes and they were ready to play. We knew something special was getting ready to happen.”

    Permian (3-0) extended its home nondistrict win streak to 15 games before an estimated crowd of 15,000 and a national television audience on Fox Sports Net.

    The Panthers never trailed and led 10-3 at halftime before seizing control in the second half.

    “I think it was exactly like we said it would be,” Allman said of the big-game atmosphere. “Our kids handled it extremely maturely. It was one of those things that once the ball was kicked off, everything was happening between these little white lines and everything else was kind of peripheral. They were focused on what they had to do and showed some maturity.”

    That same atmosphere seemed to cause a young Trinity team to press after falling behind, Trojans coach Steve Lineweaver said.

    “I don’t know if we got to thinking it wasn’t our night,” Lineweaver said. “I don’t think so. We were trying to score two touchdowns at once instead of just making plays. It’s not that hard a game.

    “(Permian’s) a very good team. I’m sure they would have played great anyway. They were really ready. We thought we were, but we didn’t give them a contest because we gave it away.”

    Permian linebacker Mike Ruiz had two fumble recoveries and an interception, all of which led to scores.

    Safeties Eugene Neboh and Andrew Amoyaw each picked off a pass.

    “We all came out here and took care of our assignments,” said Ruiz, whose 45-yard interception return set up a 6-yard TD drive. “We got momentum with those scores and took care of business. Don’t ever doubt Mojo.”

    Permian totaled 343 yards of offense as quarterback Taylor Byrd threw for 159 and ran for 99. Byrd was 13-of-20 with touchdowns of 28 yards to Melvis Pride and 30 to Brian Nunez.

    Pride, who had only two catches entering the game, finished with eight receptions for 87 yards.

    “It feels good,” he said of his increased production. “I’m glad I got some points on the board for my team and I’m glad all the other fellows got some points on the board. We played as a team. As we say, ‘Code 6,’ teamwork.”

    Trinity (1-1) gained 247 yards with Samir Baker rushing for 107 yards and Dontrayevous Robinson for 82. Just 87 of Trinity’s yards came in the first half, 50 on the ground, as two possessions ended with turnovers on the first play.

    Tied 3-3 after the first quarter, Permian — which has yet to trail this season — went in front to stay on Jamison Berryhill’s 6-yard run with 9:18 left in the first half.

    After Pride’s TD catch opened the third quarter, Berryhill added a 4-yard TD. The Panthers sealed the victory with a 12-play, 87-yard drive for Nunez’s score.
  2. friend of the friendless

    friend of the friendless Active Member

    Mr Waller,

    I liked it. Just one thought: Maybe the back-up to the lead could have been, "This was exactly how the coaches drew it up on the chalkboard." Maybe something about "what the players knew they could do" or something like that. The back-up sentence sorta has the ring of stuff ordained from on high rather than the result of sound planning/coaching.

    Sounds like a great game to have worked.

    YHS, etc
  3. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    To add to what FofF said, maybe put Allman's quote "I think it was exactly like we said it would be" to backup your lead. Other than that, good stuff.
  4. jgmacg

    jgmacg Guest

    Hi Sam -

    Thanks for posting with us.

    Just a tiny quibble, but illustrative of an architectural problem all of us face. When trying to build a parallel, like the one you're building in this first sentence, each reiteration of the parallel has to match. No/No/Not doesn't work nearly as well as No/No/No. Or Not/Not/Not.

    In this case, if I were editing you, I'd have cut the word 'catching' to keep the parallel, and its rhythm, intact. Add the word 'win'. The meaning would remain.

    For the Permian Panthers, this was no fluke, no upset, no lightning-in-a-bottle win.

    Just a thought.

    Thanks again.
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