Favorite Quotes from Gwyneth Paltrow's New Book

Gwynnie Paltrow Loves Hot Dog Buns, Hates Hot Dogs

Now, I haven't read Fishsticks Paltrow's new ghostwritten memior 'Ode To My Perfect Life' (No Poor People Allowed Please ) But Eater must've been behind on their eye rolling exercise for the week, because they dipped their retinas into the huge imported copper pot of naive pretentiousness and pulled out their best (see: worst) quotes.

From their review, half of it sounds like something a rich Jane Austen character might say when you ask them what they did for summer. The other half sounds like a charming tale the mistress of the house would tell her chamber maid after her car ran out of gas and she was forced to seek help from a farmer and his wife who served her curious things like hot dog buns and bacon.

All of Eater's favorite lines are at, well, at Eater, but here's the ones that really made me choke on my store-bought frozen breakfast burrito cooked in the electromagnetic wave burning oven on top of my refrigerator. If you read some of these quotes out loud, you will find the tip of your nose slowly rising up away from the peasants below, slap yourself with a hot dog to come back down.

GP: "One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."
Me: I'm surprised she didn't lie and say "Ina Garten" to really stick it to that heartbroken sick boy.

GP: "I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious."
Me: There's an especially lonely bacon-free place in the depths of Hell for anybody who gives bacon a back-handed compliment.

GP: "I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun... except hot dogs (sorry, Dad)."
Me: This reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom would always always buy too many hot dog buns for birthday parties. For the next few weeks, we'd get a hot dog bun with everything. A hot dog burn with our spaghetti, a toasted hot dog bun with grape jelly in it for breakfast, a low-budget Subway sandwich made with a hot dog bun and turkey slices... But I doubt that's what Fishy is straight queefing about. She probably just fills a hot dog bun with fresh lobster flown in on her private jet from Maine and Vegenaise. Or she's a down low fast food freak and puts Chris Martin's d*ck in one after hours.

GP: "One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites."
Me: And at that very moment, salad nicoise had a nightmare about being eaten by Fishsticks Paltrow.

GP "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert."
Me: That one is from the chapter titled: "Being a rich white lady is hard."

GP: "We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made."
Me: Why am I having hopeful flashes of the final scene from Hansel & Gretel?

GP: "When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
Me: Maybe I'm becoming numb to Fishy's verbal acts of snobby ridiculousness, but I didn't really think most of these quotes were that bad until my eyes landed on this one.

http://www.dlisted.com/node/41507

 

I've always enjoyed eating a hot dog bun with condiments but no dog. Soulmates.

 

The Best Lines From Gwyneth Paltrow's Cookbook
by Raphael Brion

Yesterday was Christmas at Eater HQ: My Father's Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness, the much-anticipated cookbook from actress/lifestyle-guru/country singer/cleanse practicioner Gwyneth Paltrow, arrived.

The cookbook is many things: it is aspirational and sweet, it is seasonally-minded, it is unintentionally very funny, and it offers dinner party ideas and patronizing "working-parent dinners." The recipes are not that different from the many other tomes out there. Well, except that it offers vegan and child-friendly alternatives and has a foreword from buddy Mario Batali and name drops Jamie Oliver, Leonardo DiCaprio, and her "favorite vegetarian friend," Stella McCartney.

The best lines. >>>
We can talk about the "lofty crypto-macrobiotic lecturing," and we can rant about her "faux-populism as if you were not born to a famous actress and a highly successful producer" (but Gabe did it better).

And we can go on and on how this is a vanity project from a rich person completely unafraid to casually boast about her life of privilege. So let's not! And instead, here now, the best lines from My Father's Daughter:

1) "One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."

2) "Through this process my father and daughter had unwittingly taught me the importance of balance. Could I use some butter and cheese and eggs in my cooking without going down some kind of hippie shame spiral? Yes. Of course I could."

3) "The stove is really the epicenter of my house — I am never far away from it and most of the time there is something atop it, simmering away for my family."

4) "When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins, which exposed the brutal practices of American factory farms. That, coupled with a lecture from Leonardo DiCaprio (when he was nineteen and I was twenty-one) about how such animals are kept and processed, made me lose my desire for factory farm pork and beef right there."

5) On Vegenaise: "My most often-used and beloved ingredient. It can be found at most grocery stores and all health food stores—unfortunately not yet in London. Regular mayo is fine and works, but Vegenaise is a healthier alternative.

6) "I grew up going to the island of Nantucket (off the coast of Massachusetts) every summer."

7) "I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious."

8) "I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun... except hot dogs (sorry, Dad)."

9) "One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites."

10) "I love corn so much I tried to grow it one summer in the garden. The raccoons loved it even more."

11) "I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one."

12) "During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well."

13) "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert."

14) "I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat—don't ask, it's a long story."

15) "We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden—a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made."

16) "When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."

http://eater.com/archives/2011/04/07/the-best-lines-from-gwyneth-paltrows-cookbook.php