Fantasy Football Collapse: An Acceptance Speech

I won't be that guy and bore you with the specifics, but let's just say that I had multiple teams in the playoffs and finished like a drunken fraternity boy (i.e. I didn't)...

Geez, so many people, I'm not sure where to start. Ummm...I'd like to thank Plaxico Burress for carrying a weapon without a permit. I'd like to thank him for having Dick Cheney's knowledge of firearm safety. And I'd also like to thank him for putting down his wine glass and shooting himself in the sweatpants, subsequently pissing away the rest of his season (and mine) and an undetermined amount of money and time outside of confinement.

I'd like to thank the Arizona Cardinals for putting their season on autopilot after clinching the NFC West. I'd like to thank Anquan Boldin for being inactive this past week and for playing like he was last week. I'd like to thank his backup Steve Breaston for saving his worst two weeks of the season for when I needed him most.

I'd like to thank Marion Barber for playing like a bull on the streets of Pamplona for his entire life and then morphing into the nerdy kid with glasses and an asthma inhaler in the neighborhood football game the past couple of weeks. I'd like to thank his owner, Jerry Jones for questioning his toughness after Barber's absence already cost my team severely. That made me feel better.

And finally, I'd like to thank my boy TJ Houshmanzadeh for not even catching a pass or a staph infection during his game in Cleveland.

Thank you all...

There I feel better. Anyone else have similar stories?

 

I'd like to thank Ronnie Brown for falling off the face of the earth and the Tampa Bay defense for letting Philip Rivers go berzerk.

I'm not dead yet, but the life support is chugging away next to my desk.

 

OK. Now I'm bored.

 

Get in line, buddy.

 

Along the lines of the Cardinals. I'd like to thank Kurt Warner for waiting until the fantasy football playoffs to realize that his is, in fact, Kurt Warner and totally falling apart.
Oh, and I'd like to thank the fantasy gods for putting the toughest matchups of the season in the playoffs.
I must be meant to live in abject poverty.

 

I may have dodged a bullet in one league today by having Jeff Garcia and Wes Welker stashed on the bench to replace Warner and Boldin -- all after I finally dialed up weather.com and saw the blizzard forecast for Foxborough about 30 minutes before kickoff.

That said, my money-league season went down in flames early. Won five of my last six, but it wasn't enough to overcome a 1-5 start. So I'd like to thank Carson Palmer for not getting me one. fucking. point. way back in Week 2, which caused me to lose a tiebreaker, which eventually led to my missing the playoffs.
And Matt Hasselbeck for never panning out.
And Jamarcus Russell for suckering me in with a few solid performances, only to lay an ostrich-sized egg against a shitty Saints defense the one week I needed him.
And to Trent Edwards and Brian Westbrook for their one-quarter, injury-related cameo performances in Weeks 5 and 3, respectively, which likely cost me another win or two.
Thanks to you all, I became the first three-time winner in our league's consolation bracket. There's no money involved, but you did help me get my name on a swanky trophy. That's something.

 

I'd like to thank myself for not joining a fantasy football league this season and watching it inevitably end in fantastic fail.

Best decision I made this year.

 

Paging spnited ... spnited, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

 

I won the title thanks to DeAngelo Williams. As great as he was tonight (and it's headed to OT as I type this) I won my title by two points. In a 12-team league, I had the week's high score and the other finalist had the second-highest. He had two guys on his bench who could have made the difference if he started either one.
Tough way for him to lose, but I'll take it.

 

I think I blew mine by not using Choice this week. I might have survived it, but Jacobs' two touchdowns probably cost me the game.

 

Nobody gives a fuck about your fantasy football team. Quit your whining! </spnited>