Esquire's Why we cheat

Or if only the cigar penetrates.

 

you can 'assume' all you want that a one-time offender is therefore CAPABLE of doing it more and more and turn into a 'serial cheater.' but i's just not necessarily true. i'm sure many 'cheaters' did it just once; i know several folks in this category.

this is all hypothetical theory, right? well, let's say mrs. shockey had a one-time 'incident.' i wouldn't want to know about it 'cause i know my feelings would be irreparably hurt, my trust irreparably damaged. in such a one-time hypothetical, what good would it do me to ever learn about it? NONE...

now, any long-time affair, or serial cheating, damn straight i'd want to know so i could end the marriage. but in the one-time stumble scenario? no, thanks. better not to know.

 

Just the tip!

 

oh, i'd imagine that happens plenty. that's 'cheating,' too, in my book. i have a buddy whose motto used to be, 'eatin' isn't cheatin'.'

guess his two ex-wives disagreed.

 

Completely disagree. I guess it could come down to degrees of cheating but if you make the committment to the mother/father of your kids then that committment has to be kept. IMO it is about respecting the other parent and if you are not doing that then yes, you are a bad parent.

Look at the Arnold situation. I think he is a lousy father for putting his wife and kids through what he did even if the best facade was put up for 10 years.

 

I agree. Like it or not, your marriage is going to reflect your children's marriages in a lot of cases. And the way you treat your wife (if you're a guy) is going to set the bar as to what kind of standards your daughter expects out of her man. I'll be damned if I'm going to have my daughter marrying a cheat or an overall piece of shit because she thought it was normal. It's on me to show her how a wife should be treated.

My aunt and uncle have a terrible marriage and quite frankly should've gotten divorced 20 years ago. But they didn't because they didn't want to put their kids through that. It's to the point now where they don't talk to each other. One sleeps in the bedroom and one in the basement.

I'm not sure if they cheated or if it ever got physical, but it's to the point now where they just flat-out hate each other. When they pose for family photos, the kids are in the middle, between them.

And wouldn't you know it, both of their children, now college-aged, are trainwrecks when it comes to relationships. It's no wonder--look what they witnessed every day of their life.

I never believed in divorce until I saw that play out.

 

man, we're talking complete apples/oranges here. sure, in the case of arnold or the aunt/uncle with the awful marriage, of course the kids are apt to be affected, as is how they view dad, or mom, or both.

but it was stated that as soon as any degree of infidelity occurs your parental abiliities go out the window is waaaay to much of all-encompassing b.s. what, you think every infidelity is learned by the spouse, or children? don't be delusional. most do not end up exposed at all. i'm sure there are many men or women who have been 'cheaters' unbeknownst to ANYONE. and many of them are as 'good' or 'effective' as parents as anyone.

you know why? plenty of happy, solid marriages include one spouse who has 'cheated' at least once. i'm certainly not condoning it; just saying it's naive or pollyannish to think a good marriage cannot include/survive an infidelity.

 

After, and during, my parents' divorce in 1993 (I was 15) they disrespected each other plenty verbally, using me as a buffer. I don't think either of them are bad parents, nor do I think it will effect me and my future marriage.

 

But staying married doesn't guarantee either one in the marriage is a good parent.
A couple can stay faithful and stay married, and either or both of them can be bad parents.
And children who have never experienced divorce can grow up to have problems.
There is no perfect couple, are no perfect parents, are no perfect families and is no perfect childhood.

 

@shockey, I think the original statement was that you can't be a great parent if you cheat, not that "your parenting ability went out the window".

I think the varying degrees of infidelities do lessen how good of a parent someone is. There is no sliding scale where getting a HJ in Vegas is equal to forgetting a birthday while pulling an Arnold makes you a dirtbag as a parent but any infidelity does make a person a worse parent imo.
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It is not just about learned infidelity but about learning respect and trust.

 

Putting your marriage at risk isn't particularly good parenting.

 

Anyone can make generalizations, but until you've walked in the shoes of that particular person, it's lazy thinking. I'm sure there are plenty of parents out there who love their kids without necessarily (or no longer) loving their wife.