ESPNews: Who writes this crap?

Comedic-fucking-gold

 

This stuff is killing me! Classic comedy ....

 

Papi's palpitations present problems!

 

This is absolutely hilarious work, folks.

Except mickeyrat, who is a turd.

 

"David Ortiz used to be known for his clutch hits. Now, he’s clutching his heart. All Labor day weekend long, keep your eye on the bottom line with the ESPNnews ticker; it’s more reliable than Papi’s ticker."

 

"Who will be the next Red Sox player to suffer a potentially life-threatening illness? Stay glued to your ESPN Mobile phone all weekend for the very latest text updates! But don't put the phone to your ear. You might get brain cancer."

 

But first ,we have another TO report coming up from ESPN reporter...*drum roll*.....

 

Because no one else has used it yet...

"David Aldridge is reporting that the Boston Red Sox have signed free-agent first basman David Ortiz. More on this story as it develops..."

 

David Aldridge calls in on his ESPN Mobile phone to report Reggie Lewis has collapsed during a workout in Boston. More on this news as it develops.

(See you in hell)

 

Damn it. I knew I should have avoid this board (or this thread) at work. I'm cracking up at my desk.

 

Today on The Pulse :

TO news from Ed Werder

Brian Kenny tries to make you think he knows boxing

Michelle Bonner comes on for a while(must see)

and much more: *crappy music comes on*

 

Coming up next, an update on David Ortiz' heart condition when we put him on the Budwesier Hot Seat!