ESPNews: Who writes this crap?

"David Ortiz is DEAD!!"



"That's what we'll be saying here at ESPNnews if he doesn't get his heart problems taken care of."

 

God, I hate how many of these are making me laugh.

They're so bad, they're good.

Thanks.

 

"David Ortiz is dying and Eric Karabell will be along shortly to tell you how it can affect YOUR fantasy league team. Stay tuned to ESPNnews."

 

Fucking fantastic!

 

Fact or fiction: The Red Sox will flatline before David Ortiz?

 

First the Big Dig tunnel. Now another artery is causing concern in Boston.

 

"If Big Papi dies, should his head be frozen, like Ted Williams? We're throwing it out to you, our SportsNation viewers.

Log on now to espn.com and cast your vote. Results will be shown on the 6:00 p.m. eastern Sportscenter."

 

Cashman to Steinbrenner - See I told you Ortiz wasn't a good pick up

 

I was going to post something,but this seems to be in poin's wheelhouse, so I'm going to sit back and gaze in awe.

 

We know break into our regularly scheduled ESPNews programming for this Red Sox news conference ...

"Hi, I'm Steve Phillips. Not only am I GM of the Red Sox, but I also performed heart surgery on David Ortiz.

His condition was caused by his over-usage of a crappy Nextel mobile phone. We cured what ailed him by giving him this, the ESPN MobilePhone! Instant score updates! ESPN SportsCenter commericials! Folks, I'm telling you, it has it all! And its endorsed by ESPN anchorman Neil Everett!

I'll entertain any questions you have, so long as they are asked via ESPNMobile.

And if I may be blunt for a moment, I don't appreciate you TV folks testing your white balance off my goatee. I'll leave it at that, resting safe in the knowledge that the aforementioned goatee has been between more legs than all of you media types combined.

First question, oh wait, I'm getting text'd by my boy Stu Scott on my ESPNMobile!

He says, "What up, dog? Pookie, Ray-Ray and Moesha want to know how you broke Big Papi's heart problem off proper?"

Word, Stu, word! I just tinkered around with the aorta, changed a few valve covers and what not.

Oh, Stu responds on his ESPNMobile text, "Don't playa hate, congratulate!" Straight butta, Stu.

Next question on that sweet ESPNMobile? Buster Olney, ESPN, fire away on that celly!

Olney: When does my descent into the abyss of emasculation end with this network? ...

ESPN Disclaimer: This was not a real press conference. Buster Olney's views do not represent ESPN or Disney, and he will be rightfully bitch-slapped for getting out of line.

Now back to World Series of Poker '97!

 

Brian Kenny: "Two years ago, Red Sox fans were talking dynasty. Now, they're talking angioplasty...."


Danielle Sargent: "What the FUCK was that??"

 

OMFG - I can totally see Anthony Amey leading to a break with that.
Awesome.