Encounters You Wish Would Be Wiped From Your Mind

I'm OK with that, though I'm not a 300-pound woman. And if someone wants to wait out my shit-fiesta, more power to them. I know I wouldn't want to withstand that wrath.

 

At the no booze, no drugs New Years Eve dance I mentioned earlier this week--the one organized by my drunk as shit friend--I was determined to finally hook up with a gorgeous blonde I'd been pursuing all month. We danced at midnight, hugged, exchanged a quick kiss...this was a can't-miss slam-dunk. I was finally going to...hey what the fuck is she doing locked in an arm and leg and lip embrace with my so-called friend Doug?

Oh man that was a brutal brutal morning (it was 4 am when I found them). The longest New Years Day ever ensued, until I heard Don Henley's "The Heart of the Matter" and decided to call her and tell her I was a big giant pussy who deserved to get shit upon again forgave her. We resumed our haphazard courtship...until a few weeks later, when she told me she was going to the prom with Doug. Glorious.

Fortunately, it didn't take him long to realize she was a quack. unfortunately--or fortunately--one of my best buds become smitten with her and was deflowered by her later that summer, by which point I was madly in love with one of HER best friends.

Of course, not soon after that, they both quacked out on us.

So in summary, Don Henley sucks.

 

Yes. Yes he does!

 

Surprising for some of you, but I not only have more than a few memories I wish I could erase with pure bleach, but I also have an incredible sense of guilt (I'm a Catholic). Not a lot of details, but here's a rundown:

• All of the first grade. Suffered a deep-vein thrombosis, nearly went into my lungs and almost lost my right leg. In ICU for three weeks, regular children's ward for another four. In a Newark hospital. Had to use a walker since I was too weak to use crutches, seemingly weekly blood tests and had to wear a stocking for a year. That certainly made its mark on my psyche...
• As did seeing my first girlfriend hook up with another girl. Who was about as butch as they come.
• Tried to be a big-shot reporter by trying to pass along some information to a third party before a big basketball game between my college and our biggest rival. Not only was the information completely inaccurate, it was the league commish and the other school's ast. AD. My school's SID called me in later that week for a little talk. Wasn't punished, but he probably saw how embarrassed I was.

There's a lot more, but I'll probably have to go into therapy twice a week if I reopen those wounds.

 

You're a fucking trainwreck, PhilaYank. Everything you do turns to shit.

 

I'm usually right there with you. I've always said, if a handicapped person rolls into our men's room when I'm on the shitter I'll gladly suck in the turd and move over.
The problem is, when the wife has to pee, I end up waiting outside a bathroom waiting for her to pee. And if some 300-pound behemoth is befouling the handicap stall, neither the waiting nor its aftermath is going to be a pleasant experience.

 

Ditto. I still love that song even though it subconsciously reminds me of Middle School.
The highlight of my first dance had to be the principal threatening to give 12 girls next to the DJ detention for screaming the..."And are you thinking of me when you fuck her" line from "You Aughta Know" even though the DJ strategically censored it.
Good times.

 

Bubs, you don't know the half of it. I'm 26 years old, but feel like I have the body of a 62 year old. LOL

 

In the late 90s, I entered the lowest depths of rock 'n' roll hell for one evening.

Nazi skinheads crashed an underground punk rock show I went to. I thought about writing a larger narrative, but I realized I had blocked out much of what happened.

I just know it was violent. It was racist. It was ugly. It was my personal Altamont.

A lot of friendships were changed forever that night. It was also the last time I attended a show which was not in a proper club.

 

Sorry, dude. I just thought of this movie: SLC Punk.

I've never been to an underground punk show, though I've always wanted to go.