Eight guys you need on your beer league hockey team....

Circulating around the hockey intertubes:

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It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in
Canada: summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the
former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup as fans in an
American city celebrate. The latter officially kicks off after Labour
Day weekend.

In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers
across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions
in time for the September dawn of a new season.

Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams
with names like "Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch Males," but don't be
fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put
together.

As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and
that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others
go with it right from the opening faceoff.

Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge
for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This
can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring
glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is free
hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and
everyone else gets a shot at the Division-7 title.

The Young Guy

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since
the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college
team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an
office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year.
Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. Ten
to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with
the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him, even though
his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be
fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily
old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it
when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was
a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on
himself. Never missed a shift."

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first.
Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time.

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to
admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in
adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your
stick. How does that knock you over? And now you're offside.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. The complete psycho
is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench,
a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete
psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to
stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of
underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too,
and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few
of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games,
tops, so it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the
roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might
very well turn into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never
miss another game.

 

Good stuff.

 

I know every one of those guys.

 

I know. That's the sad thing.

My favourite was always the young guy who THOUGHT he was the ringer.

 

Piss on Eddie Shore.

 

The brother of an NHL player was Naked Guy. He was hilarious. And hung like a horse.