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Eight guys you need on your beer league hockey team....

Discussion in 'Sports and News' started by JR, Sep 8, 2008.

  1. JR

    JR Active Member

    Circulating around the hockey intertubes:

    It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in
    Canada: summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the
    former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup as fans in an
    American city celebrate. The latter officially kicks off after Labour
    Day weekend.

    In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers
    across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions
    in time for the September dawn of a new season.

    Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams
    with names like "Just the Tips" and "Nine-Inch Males," but don't be
    fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put

    As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and
    that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:

    The Ringer

    Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others
    go with it right from the opening faceoff.

    Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge
    for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This
    can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring
    glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is free
    hockey. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and
    everyone else gets a shot at the Division-7 title.

    The Young Guy

    At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since
    the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college
    team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an
    office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year.
    Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence catches up by Christmas. Ten
    to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with
    the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

    The Old Guy

    Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him, even though
    his gloves reach up to his armpits and he still uses a wood stick. To be
    fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily
    old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it
    when professional athletes were real men. "Eddie Shore -- now there was
    a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on
    himself. Never missed a shift."

    The Tardy Goalie

    Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first.
    Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time.

    The Beginner

    Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to
    admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to take up hockey in
    adulthood. On the other, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your
    stick. How does that knock you over? And now you're offside.

    The Complete Psycho

    Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. The complete psycho
    is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench,
    a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete
    psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.

    The Naked Guy

    Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to
    stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of
    underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, too,
    and you'll maintain eye contact like your life depended on it.

    The Guy with the New Girlfriend

    A good way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few
    of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to five games,
    tops, so it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the
    roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might
    very well turn into the guy with the wife, at which point he'll never
    miss another game.
  2. 93Devil

    93Devil Well-Known Member

    Good stuff.
  3. Flash

    Flash Guest

    I know every one of those guys.
  4. JR

    JR Active Member

    I know. That's the sad thing.

    My favourite was always the young guy who THOUGHT he was the ringer.
  5. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    Piss on Eddie Shore.
  6. Flash

    Flash Guest

    The brother of an NHL player was Naked Guy. He was hilarious. And hung like a horse.
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