Edit my Feature Story

Hey guys, I just put this together a little while ago, I still have to get quotes from the coach and parents but I am on deadline for tomorrow and thought I would post my rough draft here ASAP. Take a look at it an rip me apart but be gentle.


By Hackwilson 191

It was sweltering inside the car.
Temperatures were soaring into the 90s and Player 1 and Player 2 had been sitting in the backseat of their cars for what seemed like forever.
“I was miserable,” Player 1 said “I was just sitting in the back seat in misery.
“They didn’t want to put the air conditioning on because it used gas and we weren’t moving.”
Finally, Player 2 had enough, he got out of the car he was riding in and proceeded down the highway past the rows and rows of unmoving cars all looking for a place they could call home.
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” Player 2 said. “After I got out, I was moving faster than the cars.”
Their journey began shortly after New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin ordered the first ever-mandatory evacuation of the city after Katrina was upgraded to a Category 5 storm, calling Katrina "a storm that most of us have long feared."
Now, Player 1 and Player 2 were headed to Longview with their church group, Generic Church Ministries.
It would be their ninth city on their journey as they traveled 40 days and 40 nights searching for a new home in 42-vehicle caravan that covered more than 750 miles.
“We don’t even want to start with that the one, the drive from Longview was terrible,” Player 2 said. “It took 19 hours even though it should have taken three hours to get there normally.
Finally, they became part of the 300,000 evacuees, who re-located and found a home in Texas, settling in Podunk.
“I don’t want to travel in a car for more than three hours ever again,” Player 2 said.
Three hours is manageable, though, Player 2 said, because he might have to travel that far to play football.
Player 1 and Player 2 both should have graduated in May of 2007, but they lost a semester due to their travels after evacuating New Orleans.
They would have to go to college a year later. Also, they lost their high school athletic eligibility.
If they wanted to play for the Podunk Mascots in their senior season, they would have to make an appeal to the High School Group in Big City.
It was an easy decision. The battle would not be, though.
“When (the application) came back it said they had denied the waivers,” Player 2 said.
They were devastated.
“When they first denied it, I was like well that is down the drain,” Player 2 said.
“It was pretty agonizing,” Player 1 added. “(Podunk football coach Blah) Blah told us we had a slim chance to get it at first.”
He was right. The pair would have to appeal the group’s decision in person.
“I think they just wanted to meet us,” Player 1 said.
Player 1’s assumption would appear to be true as the HSG rendered a 7-0 verdict in favor of both of the seniors.
“They really liked or dedication to school,” Player 2 said. “And we hadn’t gotten in any trouble.
“One of the guys was like ‘hold on before we vote tell me if you have had any trouble since you have moved.’ Mr. (Blah) Blah2 (Podunk’ principal) told them no and I think that made a big difference.”
The second chance meant everything to the lifelong friends.
“Whenever you are a little boy that’s what you want to do - play football or sports,” Player 2 said. “We were given a second chance for that opportunity.”
Before they came to Podunk neither one had a chance to participate in real high school athletics.
They went to a private Christian school in New Orleans as part of the Generic Church Ministries and were only allowed to play flag football.
There it was worth the sacrifice. Attending the school gave them a chance to escape the normal dangers that confronted many teenagers and adults throughout the city, they said.
“I will go anywhere, I’ll go to Baton Rouge but I don’t want to go back,” Player 1 said, who live with his sister and brother-in-law now. “If it was not for my parents I would never go back.
“As long as I am not in New Orleans, I’m happy.”
However, Player 1’s parents do live in New Orleans and when he went to visit them, he realized just how good he had it in Podunk. “
“I want my family to get out of there,” Player 1 said. “It is like a war zone down there. It was worse (than before).”
Around Player 1 and Player 2 now, is a small town, which despite recent floods has provided them a peaceful home.
“We really like it here,” Player 1 said. “It is quiet and peaceful and you don’t have to worry about gunshots or anything.”
“I can really focus on my school work,” Player 2 added. “I got a lot smarter here, because it is… just books and football.”
That dedication has both players excelling on and off the field.
Player 2 expects to see significant time at running back and full back this season for the Mascots, while Player 1 will split his time between wide receiver and defensive back.
“Last year I played mostly defense and I did not really push myself, but I want to play offense this year and I know that it will take a lot of effort.”
That effort will get its first test tonight as Podunk goes to Llano to open up its 2007 season, a team that defeated the Mascots 41-10 last year.
“I just hope we do well against Llano,” Player 1 said. “It was a headache (last year). The whole team did not do well.”
If it goes like the rest of Player 1 and Player 2’s second chances, redemption should not be a problem.

 

hack, more reporting, as you mentioned you were going to do, will help this story, especially talking to the parents. it has to be tough for parents to be far from a child.

i'd like a few more details -- what kind of car were they in? what road/highway were they on?

i don't like to start a lede with "It." i know that's not always possible but when i find myself starting a lede that way, i look for a way around it. Also, you will find when you make your writing more active, you also tighten the story.

if you are intent on starting with it, take out out the 'was' and just "It sweltered inside the car"
"Temeperatures soared" instead of "temperatures were soaring." that eliminates two words and makes your writing stronger.

same goes with the use of the phrase "would have" -- "If they wanted to play for the Podunk Mascots in their senior season, they would have needed to make an appeal to the High School Group in Big City."

for my tastes and maybe it's just the way it looks in the format you pasted it, but the second half of the story relies too much on a sentence-quote-sentence-quote formula.

check your style guide/dictionary on some words like relocate (one word, no hyphen, stuff like that.)

you have the workings of a nice feature.

 

I like the idea of the story, but the lede can be really powerful with a little tweaking...

It was hot, the kind of hot that descends on the deep South like a plague, the kind of hot that snow cones were made for.
In the backseat of a (SPECIFIC CAR, INCLUDING COLOR -- if it's black, it's even hotter), P1 and P2 were sweltering, cringing every time the sun peaked around a cloud and poured into the car. They'd been there for hours, waiting, sitting, sweating.
But the driver didn't want to put on the air conditioning -- the car wasn't moving, and the extra bursts of wind, needed as they may be, would guzzle gas. Finally, P2 had enough.
He opened his door and began walking down the highway, passing rows and rows of stopped cars, all going the same way, all going nowhere. Their homes soon-to-be flooded, their dreams drenched along with them, the residents of New Orleans lined the roads of (WHATEVER HIGHWAY), their cars hidden behind a caravan of others.
And some walked.
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” Player 2 said. “After I got out, I was moving faster than the cars. I don’t want to travel in a car for more than three hours ever again."

And so on...

Good luck with the edit


Their journey began shortly after New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin ordered the first ever-mandatory evacuation of the city after Katrina was upgraded to a Category 5 storm, calling Katrina "a storm that most of us have long feared."
Now, Player 1 and Player 2 were headed to Longview with their church group, Generic Church Ministries.

 

SS -

Just as an exercise in editing (and workshoppery), try to explain to Hack Wilson what you want him to do, rather than rewriting it for him. It'll give you some insight into how hard an editor's job is, and help clarify your thoughts on craft.