Eddie Murphy to Host 84th Academy Awards

I got an Oscar. I got an Oscar. And you'll never win one. You're Lindsay Lohan, you have no talent. And your father is an alcoholic.

 

Awesome!

 

If he does, they should really recreate this moment.

 

From Bowfinger:
"White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar. "

 

Don't make me rip your dick off with my butt cheeks.

 

And when you're out of the room, Denzel, you know what I do with your Oscar? I kick the shit out of it. And then I laugh my motherfuckin ass off. You know why Denzel? Because you don't take care of it. You don't polish it. You leave it sitting there in the corner like a piece of shit. I put my motherfucking drink on it the other night Denzel. It's a fucking piece of furniture, Denzel.

 

"Mr. Bieber, do you want to come work this problem out on the board?"
"No, thanks. I'll just take the zero."

 

The opening sketch will be Murphy in makeup as past best actor winners, shooting the shit with each other.

Later, in his Norbit fat suit, he'll do a sketch based on "Precious".

 

I think he will do well, and he will do well in a way few expect.

I think he will sing. I think he'll be funnier than Chris Rock was during his hosting gig, but less mean-spirited.

 

Hell, he could do 90 minutes just goofing on himself.

Maybe he can finish his introduction to the Best Picture award in 1988 when he bashed the Academy for not awarding more performances by black actors.

"Truth is I was wrong. You do honor black actors...as long as they are playing drug-dealing cops, slaves, skanky, grieving housewives who get naked or drug-addicted singers....So THANK YOU academy. We've come a long, long, way. On behalf of my people, I salute YOU!"

"And now, once again, when white people have driven a beloved institution into the ground - who do you turn to? Who do you call on to save the day and make people care again? A black man."

 

He can also go off on how if Norbit backlash cost him an Oscar for Dreamgirls.

 

"Fuck, shit, dick, pussy, snot ... thank you, thank you very much. Good night!"