Dumbest reader ever

"Man, am I glad I called that guy."

 

I was once yelled at for something that was in a different paper. That paper and us have one common school in our coverage areas.

Caller: Why did you say (this) about (that common school)'s basketball game?.
Me: I didn't. Coach (girls' team) faxed me everything and he didn't say anything like that.
Caller: Well, I'm looking at it right here and I see where you said (this). That wasn't who did (that)!
Me: I didn't write any such thing. Can you tell me what you're looking at?
Caller: (Quotes the paragraph that she's having a problem with).
Me: That's not in my story at all.
(Then a light bulb goes off in me little tiny head).
Me: Look up at the top of the story and tell me who wrote it.
Caller: (The sports editor from the other paper).
Me: Ma'am. You've called (my paper). I'm the sports editor and I'm clearly not a woman.
Caller: ...... <click>

Now that's a dumb reader when they can't even tell which paper they're reading (or when they're not speaking to a woman, too, I suppose).

 

You know the wave he does after Sandler says that line? Well, I did it at a party to steer a dude away from my future girlfriend. She said I looked like I had Down syndrome, but that's the moment she knew she liked me.

 

I answered a phone call about three weeks ago that ended up being a complaint call from a woman from Nearby Small Town (you know, the one where the people think you never cover them enough?).

Me: Sports, this is Smash.
Her: I want to know why you guys didn't cover Little School track meet like you did Big School track meet and Bigger School track meet that happened the same day. We had a lot of area kids at the little school meet, including kids from NearbyTown, which you never cover.
Me: We had a story and results on the meet. It's on page C4 of Sunday's paper.
Her: But the story reads like it was written by Nearby Paper! It didn't focus enough of NearbyTown!t
Me: Ma'am, if you read the byline, it was a story from Nearby Paper. We're owned by the same chain and share stories. We couldn't send a writer because all our writers were committed to other events that weekend, and we used their story because the meet deserved attention in the paper. NearbyTown, RivalNearbyTown and other smaller towns are all mentioned.
Her: It's still not right. And the results are all wrong. You guys used to run all finishers, and your results this time only have the top three. And they're not even the right top three NearbyTown's boys 1600 meter relay team finished third, and you guys have someone else finishing third!
Me: *grabs paper, checks* No, ma'am, we have NearbyTown in third.
Her: No you don't. I have it right here. You have OtherTown in third with a time of 4:30.23
Me: *scans paper* I think you're looking at the girls results.
Her: Oh. *pauses* Well, it's still not right. It still reads too much like it was from Nearby Paper.

I wanted to impale my head on a spike.

I thought about explaining Big School meet was in town and Bigger School meet was two hours away but had Bigger School tennis and Big School softball playoffs in the same town the same day, and those took priority over the Little School meet that was 90 minutes away with nothing else going on and in the same town as our sister paper. But I just transferred her to my SE's voicemail after she continued to harp on the results being incorrect (they weren't).

 

There is nothing like the feeling of getting a call like this on the day you leave the business. You get to tell the really unreasonable assholes, "It's my last day, and I really don't give a shit." Then you get to listen to them go ballistic, screaming that they'll have you fired once they talk to your editor. Even then, they don't comprehend a fucking thing.

Edit to add: I believe the caller was asking something about the TV listings.

 

you gotta watch that shit, too, though. i know a guy (wink, wink) who was quite flippant with a dickhead source on his final day (the dickhead called him just to get in "a few last words") and then the dickhead e-mailed every person at the guy's new place of work with a "i think you should know this about your new hire tom petty" and pretty much included everything the guy said in the conversation, but failed to write down his (the dickhead) own hostile words that started the exchange, which turned ugly at times.

the guy i know said that made for quite an interesting first day at his new job.

 

"If I see you, I'm going to kick your ass. What do you look like?"

 

We had one where the caller was questioning why there weren't JV results in the paper ("They work just as hard as the varsity") and told me, "You used to run JV results all the time."

Me: How far back was that?

Caller: A couple of years ago.

Me: I've been working here for (longer than 5 years) and I've never seen a JV result in the paper.

Caller: But, but, you mentioned that freshman kid pitching a no-hitter.

Me: That kid pitches for a varsity team.

Click.

 

Me, just an agate clerk: "Sports, how can I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, I need you to pray really really hard for (local pro team)."
Me: "Eh, well, I'm not a fan."
Caller: "Oh, me neither. Do you know what time the game is?"
Me (taking 5 seconds to check team's website): "7"
Caller: "What channel?"
Me: "This is all on their website, you know?"
Caller: "Do you guys still print the full schedule every day?"
Me: "Maybe in the season preview a few weeks ago."
Caller: "Do you have it with you right now?"
Me: "No."
Caller: "Can you transfer me to the printing room, to see if they'd know?"
Me: "Uh... sure."
Click (I did transfer her to someone... can't remember who).

Me: "Sports, how can I help you?"
Caller: "Does the Daily Paper-nowhere-near-a-hockey-team care about hockey?"
Me: "Sure."
Caller: "Well how come I'm never seeing any coverage. It's the playoffs!"
Me: "That's not really my call, sir."
Caller, getting agitated: "I just renewed my subscription today!"
Me: "Well thank you, we appreciate that."

 

There's nothing that upsets me more than when people call in, demand an explanation from me as to why something didn't happen the night before and then I try to explain to them that I wasn't working that night. "Oh, sure," they say. I'll give them that - they're stuck talking to someone who can't give them answers when they want them.

But I'll tell you what - I'm damn sure not going to chase down someone who was in the night before and transfer the call/venom to them. That's pointless.

 

Oh yes, I also like the guys who call with this one:

"Do you have a score from Snob High's game tonight?"
Snob High is playing baseball, softball and both boys and girls soccer, Since those scores are often similar I'm always torn if I just pick one and give him one of those scores, or extend the conversation.
I go further:
"Which sport? (hoping they don't just say soccer or boys/girls)"
"The baseball team" (SHWEWWW)
"3-1 Snob High"
"So Snob High won?" (Ugh)

I'm gonna learn to do this:
"Do you have a score from the Snob High game today?"
"Yes I do, thank you for asking." Click