DUI

As someone who has been on the enforcement side of handling DUIs, the hardest part of the job is delineating between the people like Dick Whitman, who doesn't have a drinking problem and made a horrible mistake, versus the people who are going to keep making the horrible mistake. The guy who is going to have 5 DUIs and eventually kill a family doesn't wear a sign that tells us that at his first conviction.

 

Moddy nailed it. Don't drive if you have even a drop. And yes, the drunk driver is worse than the driver who goes 90 miles per hour. The latter can slow down. The drunk can't stop being impaired until he has had time to sober up. Both are bad. Drinking and driving is worse.

 

I've gotten a couple PMs saying basically that I'm "in denial" because I provided the context of my night, and that essentially I sounded like I was trying to rationalize it.

I'm not. I guess the reason I said how things came about was because I feel like when you get nailed for this, you get judged twice. The first judgment is on the actual act - drinking and driving. I deserve to be judged for that. Harshly and unmercifully by this board. And, believe me, whatever you think of me, it is 1/10th of what I think of myself at this point. It was dangerous, irresponsible. Whatever word you want to use. My entire self-image of who I am has been shattered. I'm not sleeping too well, and so this morning I got up to try to begin writing a story that's coming up. It felt pointless. The only thoughts going through my head: "It doesn't matter how you write this story. You are a criminal. That's all you are. Everything else you do is pointless. You've made your choice. That's who you are now. Not a writer. Not a husband. A criminal, and the worst kind."

I also, however, think that a sort of lifestyle judgment can tend to go along with the first judgment. And, when I really think about it, I believe that's why I tried to provide a little bit of backstory about the evening. I think when someone gets a DUI, along with it comes a stereotype of being out carousing and living an immoral and immature lifestyle. That's not true of me. I was with one person, at a house. I don't think it makes what I did any better. But I do think that the circumstances at least might - might - indicate that I'm not likely to do this again.

 

You're being way too hard on yourself. Relax.

You effed up. Big time. Life goes on.

Quit spending so much time dissecting how bad you effed up and concentrate on how to remedy the situation and make sure it never happens again.

 

Many many years ago, I was the one who got "the call" from my boyfriend to pick him up at the police station after he was pulled over for a DUI. I'm not sure of the penalities now, but back then you went to jail on the 2nd offense. That was enough for him. After that he either didn't drink, didn't drive home, or called me to pick him up....which I did many times and was always happy to do so.

I don't drink at all, so I'm always the DD when I go out with friends. I wish places need to do more to promote it, such as free soft drinks for those of us who don't, or choose not to, drink and drive.

 

People are sending Dick PMs saying he's "in denial"? He is? Really? Wow.

 

That struck me as odd, too. I'm pretty damn judgemental when it comes to DUI, but that seems to be a bit much.

 

Why would that surprise you around here? Par for the course with this bunch of know-it-alls.

 

Those people are pussies for hiding behind PMs instead of writing it for all to see.

 

Agreed. If anything, I'm worried he's being too hard on himself. Self-loathing isn't productive toward the long-term goal of never, ever doing it again.

 

Dick, you made a mistake. It was a bad one. It was also something you can learn from. This is still fresh for you, so it is still raw. From this point forward, how you learn from it is the key. That shame you feel hopefully will fade, but the memory of what you are dealing with now will remain.

 

FWIW, the "in denial" things I've heard from people were framed as to be constructive - they took it that I was basically saying that it wasn't so bad because I wasn't at a bar, didn't usually do this, etc., etc.

There is definitely a song-and-dance routine we expect from our DUI offenders in this country, and it's dangerous to veer from it. One way to veer from it is to offer up additional details, because it sounds like an "excuse." Personally, I feel like it's valuable to examine the details to figure out how you got into that situation in the first place, so as to avoid it happening again. Of course, the answer is: "That's simple. Don't drink and drive." But if you've done it once, you can do it again. I feel like I have to acknowledge that.