Do you ever do this at airports?

Understand, there is a long personal history working here. There was the incident when I was crammed in with a 350-pound woman reeking of patchouli. There was the equally corpulent man - who looked much like Milton Waddums of Office Space fame - who sidled up to me wearing a Santa Claus hat...in February.

Just this morning, I had the Doting Grandparents and their Grandkids Who Are Not As Cute As They May Suspect.

Point being, when it comes to boarding an airplane, I was born under a black cross. If it's a two-seat isle, I'm wedged in with an old woman talking ever onward about her bladder problems (happened). If it's three-seat, I'm stuck between two businessmen conversing about the tire business (happened.)

So, as I sit here in the terminal, whiling away the hours (thanks for canceling my initial flight, good people of Delta. Keep driving and you'll eventually reach my ass,) I find myself mentally sizing up my fellow terminal-mates. Will I draw the conservatively-dressed old man reading from his Bible? The father-and-son combo who both, I shit you not, look like hobbits with a dessert bar affliction?

Am I the only one who maintains a pre-flight tradition of praying (unsuccessfully, in my case) that you don't get stuck next to certain pre-determined freakazoids?

 

You are not alone. I do it every time I fly. Thankfully, I've been pretty lucky and haven't had any really horrifying seatmates in awhile. Among my worst was flying back from Florida a few years ago on a plane with 3 seats on either side of the aisle. A dad, flying with his 4 kids, took the other 5 seats in the row (I was in a window seat). Two were teenagers and the other 2 looked to be about 6 and 8. Who does Dad sit with? The teenagers. I got stuck with the little kids. They talked, whined and yelled non-stop, couldn't open their own beverages and came close to spilling juice on me several times. Dad paid no attention to them. The worst was as we were descending, the girl sitting next to me looked at the window and started yelling, "The plane's gonna crash! The plane's gonna crash!" The other kid started chanting with her. Dad didn't even seem to notice.

Good luck, Kaylee.

 

I never ever ever book anything but a window seat, solely because it reduces the chance of contact with these creatures described here. Yes, its cramped, but at worst I have only one disgusting person in direct contact with me. A middle or aisle seat doubles the odds.

 

On a cross-country flight several years ago, I was sitting in the middle seat next to a guy who had just had some kind of surgery that made him have his left elbow and arm elevated, which meant it was right in my face.

I immediately bitched to the flight attendant who was quite the douche and said there was nothing she could do about it. They wouldn't let him sit on the other aisle because his arm would be in the walkway. I begged and nothing happened. If I didn't have to be somewhere that night, I would have gotten off the plane.

In addition to the elbow in my face the guy reeked... It was the longest five hours of travel I have ever had...

 

Wow, at that point I would have had to say something to the father. Now I understand my own family has annoyed a few people on airplanes. I've got a 3-year-old and she can definitely be a bit unpredictable in-flight. But there is never a moment that either I or my wife is not at least trying to keep her under control.

Parents can't always keep a child from being unruly, but when they don't try, that is truly obnoxious.

 

The third time the kid behind me kicks the seat, I whip around and tell them, emphatically, not to kick the seat.

If that still doesn't work, I curse at them.

That works.

 

try to smuggle a weapon on board to deal with annoying seatmates.

 

Oh, when I see a babe in the terminal, I pretty much know that she's not going to be sitting next to me. It never happens.

 

I was at the window and the father was at the opposite window. He clearly didn't care or he would have sat closer to his small kids.

As for kids who kick the seats and the parents who do nothing to stop it: I just read a funny thing this morning about that on another message board. When appeals to the parents proved fruitless, the person turned to the kid and told him there was no Santa Claus.

 

My golden rule is that you should never talk to the person next to you unless there are 15 minutes or less remaining on your flight. That way you have a guaranteed end to your conversation.

 

Oh, I'd have made sure I was heard. I have no shame when somebody else is already acting shamefully.

I like the idea of no Santa Claus. That or find some other truly subversive things to teach the little monsters.

 

Drink early (airport bar), drink often (three double vodka tonics on the plane). People keep their distance if you're drunk and look like you might hurt someone.