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Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Angola!, May 27, 2007.

  1. Angola!

    Angola! Guest

    Maybe this is a cry for help, I don't know. But I will lay it out.
    Is there anyone else going through this horrible situation they call divorce? Or am I all alone. It is a fucked up situation no matter how you lay it out.
    I don't like it. I don't like the fact that I am now single. I am not old by any standard, but I sure as heck feel old compared to my friends and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't understand how I am supposed to suddenly find girls I am supposed to date and allegedly marry.
    What do you do when you get divorced? How do you move on? How long does it take?
    I hope the board can help me.
    That is all.
  2. buckweaver

    buckweaver Active Member

    Take some time to yourself -- be selfish, spoil yourself, just try to enjoy each day. Make plans with yourself -- go to ballgames, travel, go to concerts, whatever the hell makes you happy. Spend time with friends. Try new things. Talk to people.

    When you're ready to date again, don't worry about it. If you're really, really serious with somebody, and you're both disclosing shit about your past, just be honest about it. Nobody's going to look at you any differently; we've all had shitty relationships before. There's no scarlet D on your chest, trust me. You got out of a bad relationship -- that's called "single." That's it. No asterisk, no sign over your head, no "I'm too young for this." Take a deep breath and move on.
  3. Moderator1

    Moderator1 Moderator Staff Member

    Dude, I got nothing because every situation is different. But Buck offers some good advice.
    Just stay off the break up thread, eh?
    Kidding. Hang in. Call if you need an ear.
  4. kingcreole

    kingcreole Active Member

    Angola, I can't help you since I've never been in your situation, but the best I can do is say hang in there. Things will get better. Like buck said, spoil yourself for a bit and take it easy.

    Did I mention how beer can help? ;)
  5. wickedwritah

    wickedwritah Guest

    Angola, good luck, man. I'll echo Moddy's offer for an ear. You're good people, even though you're a Yankees fan. :D Don't let one messed-up situation make you feel like you gotta wear the scarlet letter.
  6. Frank_Ridgeway

    Frank_Ridgeway Well-Known Member

    Never been divorced. When I was in my late 20s I was on a blind date. We were in a restaurant and she was telling me about all her failed relationships. I said, "Obviously if any of our relationships had been successful, we wouldn't be sitting here together tonight." And in a few months she could add me to her list, although she was the one who pulled the plug. Louise. I liked her quite a bit, although she had her issues, not the least of which was that she expected relationships to fail.
  7. novelist_wannabe

    novelist_wannabe Well-Known Member

    Man, this sucks, Angola. I have a friend who went through it, and just from listening to him, I know it was an abject disaster, even witthout kids. Here's how he handled it: He did almost to the letter what Buck suggested. He stayed in touch with his friends. He went to ballgames. Concerts. Movies. Drank when he wanted. Bought what he wanted. Mainly though -- and this is really going to sound severely pop pscyh, but I was close enough to see it work -- he relied on his 'support system.' I talked to him almost daily, and he had four or five others whom he talked to pretty regularly, too. Time to yourself is fine, but don't get caught spending a lot of time staring at your walls. Do things.
  8. Bump_Wills

    Bump_Wills Member

    The perspective of someone who has seen a LOT of divorces: Mom and Dad divorced when I was 3. Mom immediately remarried and it's going strong 34 years later. Dad's been married four times since, including three times TO THE SAME WOMAN. Dad's an idiot.

    Anyway ...

    Marriages go bad for lots of reasons, and just because one fails, it doesn't mean the next one will. Or maybe it will. The point is, examine what you can learn from this, make the adjustments you feel you have to make, be open to trying again and when the opportunity comes, be better for your previous experience. Also, I'd echo what others have said: Don't get down on yourself. It's a tough time, and if you don't believe in yourself, who's going to?

    One more thing: As you meet new people, assess their character and compatability with you, not their situation (just as you'll be wanting them to do with you). When my Mom got divorced, she was 26, she had a 3-year-old son, no assets and no marketable skills. But my stepdad, the most wonderful male role model I could have ever hoped for, was man enough to be willing to take all of that on, and it wasn't easy. But it has worked out for everyone.
  9. StormSurge

    StormSurge Active Member

    Hang in there dude. It's not fun and it sucks just as much as you think it does. Mine was in 2005 & I'm still dealing with all the emotional crap that came with the process. I've moved on, have a new girlfriend who treats me like gold & my relationship with my daughter is fantastic & my ex-wife and I get along fine. Even still, it sucks. Good luck.

    (Playing Xbox 360 a few hours a day helps too. ;D)
  10. wickedwritah

    wickedwritah Guest

    That's an interesting point. I'm in my late 20s. I don't say that I've sworn off women who have been married and/or have kids, but maybe it's been more of a consideration than I let on, especially not knowing if I am ready to take on that extra stuff. But if it's meant to work, it'll work, I guess.
  11. writing irish

    writing irish Active Member

    "Third time's a charm, baby, I'm sure of it."

    Angola!, I'm no new agey believer in soul mates, but look at it this way...

    The woman of your dreams, with whom you will find happiness is out there. So enjoy life, figure out what your dreams are and follow them, and the rest will fall into place. At least that's what I tell myself...

    I'll second the advice about having lots of social contact in the coming months. You'll have plenty of time for introspection. In the meantime, make sure you get regular doses of realities other than your own.
  12. Cadet

    Cadet Guest

    IIRC, you live in a fairly religious section of the country. There will be people who pass judgment on you for being divorced, getting married young, etc. etc.

    They can go fuck themselves. Don't let them get inside your head.
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