Dissecting pop culture: My gift to SJ -- The Star Wars Holiday Special

There is nothing that occupies my mind more during this special time of year than what to give SJ for the holidays.

My passion for making sure the hundred-strong, lo, thousand-strong, members of SJ have a happy holiday occupies every fiber of my being.

Still, I am often misunderstood. To wit ...

-- Didn't participate in the SJ Secret Santa? I must be a Christmas hater. I'm the Alastair Cook of SJ. Or at least Bill Murray from Scrooged.
-- Kick a total stranger squarely in the balls, a total Salvation Army stranger, and steal his kettle? Some might interpret that as not being in the holiday spirit.
-- And there's a rumor going around that I was just going to re-gift my thread on Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer from last year. Well, that's not true. OK, maybe there's a shred of truth to it. OK, I probably still will, but there are parts that need to be fixed, a la George Lucas.

Which brings me around to why all the haters are hating up the wrong tree. I assaulted that man of charity to pay for my new DSL service, which after years of dial-up, allows me to finally watch the miracle that is Youtube.

So here is my gift to SJ. The Star Wars Holiday Special. From 1978. It's a variety show. With wookies. I'll just stop there, as I could spend all night explaining how this happened, but here's a taste of what we're in for ...

Let's watch together ...

:00 -- HELL YES! A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away + John Williams music = genius! Hmm, those title credits don't look quite right ...
:11 -- The Star Wars Holiday Special? Oooh-K. I didn't think Lucas voiced over his movies, but he's done a lot of shit to the original trilogy since then. For all I know, he added Bea Arthur to the cast. And is that Lucas narrating or is that the guy who told me One Day At A Time was on at 7:30 Central & Mountain?
:18 -- Mark Hamill? Nice bleach job. Yoda is so totally going to kick your ass for that. And Harrison Ford? Don't mug for the camera ... ever.
:20 -- Princess Leia, fuck yeah! A lot of people like the Leia of Return of the Jedi. I dunno, the bun hair and suicide death cult white smock are kinda hot.
:37 -- "R2D2 as ... R2D2!" Thanks asshole.
:49 -- "Introducing ... Chewbacca's family!" SPIT VAT OF PEPSI ON MONITOR!
:56 -- "His wife, Mullah." Would you hit it? There's pros and cons. Chewbacca's probably done some serious dredging up in there, I mean he's like 9-feet tall, so I'm guessing wookies are pretty well endowed. Then again, if you're into the rough stuff, fucking a wookie might be sexual nirvana. No word on her ATM status.
1:00 -- "His father, Itchy." Christ almighty, why, CBS, why? It was this kind of shit that sent All In The Family down the shitter. And ... did he just flip me off?
1:05 -- "His son, Lumpy." Looks like Adam Rich if he was raised by wolves. Or a puberty-challenged ewok. Who knew bad ass Chewbacca was into the cutesy names? And what kind of father is Chewy anyway? Gallivanting around the galaxy, smuggling. Nice upbringing for Lumpy, asshole.

Well it can't get any weirder than that.

1:12 -- "With special guest stars ... Beatrice Arthur." And then there's ... Maude? It appears she is in the Star Wars cantina. Dammit! The cantina was NOT a lesbian bar! At least I don't think it was. Was Greedo a lesbian?
1:17 -- Art Carney, three years removed from winning an Oscar. Maybe he was thinking that Star Wars did Alec Guinness' career a world of good. Poor Art. We didn't know it at the time, but Imogene Coca made a better return to prominence a few years later in National Lampoon's Vacation. Run Art, run like hell! Don't get caught up in the tractor beam of shittiness that is ...
1:26 -- Jefferson Starship! Holy mother of Christ! Get the rebel forces back together! We've got another Death Star on our hands. Get Luke, Han Solo, ewoks, fucking talking dolphins, I don't give a shit, the dark side must be stopped! The secret plans were smuggled from a Mickey Thomas blow session in the Hollywood Hills. We Built This City can never go fully operational!
1:31 -- I should probably fear that Harvey Korman apparently has three roles in this. They blew up the Death Star so we could have this? C'mon Darth Vader, choke a bitch.
1:37 -- Boba freaking Fett! Fuck yeah! Can we spare a thought for Boba Fett? He's currently in year 23 of his 1,000-year digestion inside that big snatch on Tatooine. RIP.

(more to come ...)

 

Now that you've been initiated, here's a bigger taste. A summary highlight clip ...

:16 -- Man, Chewbacca is a selfish motherfucker. The Millennium Falcon is taking heavy fire and all he cares about is his holiday plans? What a cockbobber. And Life Day? Is that Life Cereal day? I hate Life cereal. Tastes like cardboard and ass.
:45 -- What the fuck? Is this Quest For Fire, The Directors' Cut? Earth to assholes, WE DON'T COMPREHEND WOOKIE! Then again, maybe not understanding is for the best. And Lumpy ... Jesus Christ ... he sounds like Elroy from the Jetsons blowing his wad.
1:10 -- Mark Hamill ... I forgive you for Corvette Summer. That was NOT your biggest post-Star Wars career mistake. And, uh, based on that exchange, I think Chewbacca has an abusive household. Mullah and Itchy turned on poor Lumpy pretty quick. I mean, Luke Skywalker gets mad ass, who wouldn't want to interject into that conversation?
1:30 -- Whoa. I know I forgot to do something before I watched this, and that something was not taking massive amounts of hallucinogens to make this palatable. What the fuck is Harvey Korman doing? He was so brilliant in Blazing Saddles, why, Harvey, why? Why play the intergalactic Julia Child card? That segment is going to haunt my dreams.
1:49 -- Diahann Carroll. Forgot to mention she was in this. I'm not totally appraised of Carroll's career arc, so I wasn't aware she had a Donna Summer-esque Love To Love You Baby phase. And is that how they fuck in the Star Wars world? I timed it ... that wookie got off in 13 seconds. Sorry BYH, you can't even win in a galaxy far, far away.
2:36 -- Hey Marty Balin. I never particularly believed in your brand of Miracles to begin with, now I have solid evidence to back me up. Watching that, I think we can all empathize as to why Grace Slick turned to the sauce in the late 70s. The Balin's "metal" screech at that end of that clip? He deserves Jedi justice for that alone. Fuck you Imperial Army! Jefferson Starship is a much more insidious weapon than the Death Star, the Emperor and the combined forces of the dark side combined.
3:00 -- My mouth was gaped so far open in horror at discovery of this scene, that I tracked it down in its entirety. Korman makes another appearance, dumping drinks down his head. At one point, bartender Bea Arthur, who serves drinks in what appear to be vintage 70s Tupperware pitchers, lovingly pets the Hammerhead. I can't even come up with anything for the awesome badness that is that scene. Watch it yourself at ...
3:30 -- Great ... more Elroy orgasms. It's not shown here, but Chewbacca lives in a Land Of The Lost-esque planet up in the sky. Believe me, I don't fucking know either.
3:46 -- "Thunderbolt and Lightning very, very frightening, indeed! Galileo, Galileo!"
What in God's name is this? Probably my favorite clip, it's an acid trip of banality. Don't go into the light! Oh go ahead, who the fuck cares. Life Day! It's not just for breakfast anymore!
4:00 -- Leia sings. This is another that needs to be seen in its entirety, no words I can come up with can add anything to the Shangri-La of camp it represents ... though it does appear Luke and Han Solo are using the Force and any other method to keep themselves from laughing their asses off.

And a bonus ...

4:55 -- FUCK YEAH! Star Wars toys! Very subtle marketing job here by Lucas and Kenner.
5:07 -- Oh fuck. Long repressed thoughts coming back to the surface. WHY MOMMY! WHY DADDY! WHY DIDN'T I EVER GET A FUCKING TIE-FIGHTER! I got my ass kicked all over the second grade playground because my place in the Star Wars pecking order was having the lame ass Landspeeder. Which would have been barely passable, except I had NO LUKE SKYWALKER NOR A SAND PERSON TO ASSAULT IT. WHY DID YOU HATE ME MOM AND DAD!
5:20 -- Let's see. Had the X-wing. Didn't have that. Didn't have that. Didn't have that. Didn't even fucking HAVE a Han Solo until after Empire came out. THAT'S A LITTLE LATE IN THE GAME, MOM AND DAD! And no, pretending that one of the flunky droids -- like that orange asshole -- was Han DOES NOT CUT IT! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!
5:29 -- Whoa. The Death Star playstation. Next to the Millennium Falcon -- WHICH I ALSO NEVER GOT! -- it was clearly the Holy Grail of Star Wars toys. It even has a trash compactor! Sniff! I can see my childhood dreams being crushed in that Kenner plastic!
5:36 -- Star Wars laser action game? Listen closely, parents, if I had THAT when I was a kid, I would be much better adjusted, I would not likely be aroused to this day by Jawas, and I wouldn't currently be wearing 25-year-old Lando Calrissian Underoos. DO YOU FEEL GUILTY YET!

In all seriousness, words cannot describe how disappointing this show was for a 7-year-old in 1978.

Merry Christmas SJ!

 

*Applause*

That's all I got to say about that [/ForrestGump]

 

Bubbler, your new name is Ozymandias -- the King of Kings!

 

Actually, the X-wing was mine.

 

Great job, Bubbler.

Now, for one of my favorite SNL skits ...

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/31791/

 

Bubbler's "dissecting pop culture" posts are one of the highlights of this board. Well done, Bubs.

 

Unless you were a kid in 1978, you can't really understand how anticipated this show was. It was the first Star Wars "show" of any type since the movie had come out a year and a half earlier. Empire Strikes Back was still another year and a half away.

It was the topic du jour amongst my 2nd grade friends. What is Luke going to blow up next? Is Han Solo going to use a light saber? Is Darth Vader Luke's father? You can't imagine the rumors swirling around.

I definitely recall that the Special was on against one of my mom's favorite shows, and she begrudgingly let me watch Star Wars instead. I seem to recall her asking me at one point if I still wanted to watch it, she was subtlely trying to tell me it sucked. I was probably like, "No way! It's going to get good, I swear it will!" Clearly, it never did.

And as campy as it is, understand that LOTS of stuff on TV back then was about that campy. I was just disappointed there wasn't more adventure in it, the scene with Han Solo taking out a Stormtrooper was about as good as it got. It was like a boring episode of Land Of The Lost ... with, uh, Bea Arthur in it.

Then again, that show explains a lot about my mind. With influences like that wookie trip-out scene, there was no way I wasn't going to turn out fucked up.

 

Spoiled-ass little shit!

Go play with your Luke Skywalker action figure. Oh wait ... I BURNED IT! In yo face!

 

It was all real. Let it sink in. George Lucas hasn't let it sink in to this day, which is why it's so hard to find. I'm sure if you wikipedia it up, you can get the back story.