Depression, Part III

So I'm driving to work this morning, my normal 15-minute commute via US highway, and I see a big rig pull up to the stop sign on a side road ahead.

Then I see that his gasoline tanks are under his front doors (at least the one on the driver's side was).

I thought about how easy it would appear if I simply "lost control" of the car and headed on a bee line for that tank.

Then I realized I am nothing but a fuckin' coward. I always was a coward and I always will be a coward.

Let's see: In the span of two weeks,

* We had to go borrow against my paycheck to get the city to turn the power back on
* Had the cable/Internet cut off for nonpayment (meaning now I'll have to write on deadline, which I hate)
* Saw our 17-year-old daughter move out because of a boy (not a boy, a man, a college guy who has managed to get one girl pregnant, get arrested for beating another girl and just signed a lease for a third girl to get an apartment in another town)
* Finally spoke to a lawyer about bankruptcy. $1,200 down and $500 in increments and we're there.
* Got ripped by a motherfucker I don't know, who used to have my job, over a headline I wrote about a 1-21 basketball team this morning. I've seen his stuff. I am not impressed.

It's spring. That means softball season (I get to cover one of the best college teams in the nation), thunderstorm season (I'm a certified storm spotter) and almost baseball season (and my Royals look promising for once).

So why does it hurt so fuckin' bad?

 

C'mon, brother. Hang in there. See if there is someone you can talk to about those suicidal thoughts, whether they are genuine or frustration speaking. Your daughter, even if she's making some bad choices now, is going to need you down the road. Focus on that. There is nothing cowardly about not being able to drive your car into a gas tank. There is bravery in that, just fighting to keep going.

A lot of us have been feeling miserable lately in this awful economic climate. But your family definitely needs you. Hang in there brother, and please try to talk to someone.

 

As someone who has felt those urges, it takes a LOT more courage NOT to turn that steering wheel and "lose control" than it does to actually do it. Don't ever convince yourself otherwise.

 

Why don't you just run that guy off the road and into an exploding gas tank? You'd feel much better.

 

There's an old saying that the darkest hour is before the dawn. It's what's keeping me going in a period where everything except my weight loss is going poorly for me.

 

Hang in there man...

These are tough times for everybody. I'm sure it's worse for some than others, but I don't know too many people who haven't gotten their asses kicked by the economy and when anything else happens, it makes everything seem a lot worse than it really is.

You're not a coward, because a coward would have turned into that truck.

 

I'll echo what everyone else on the thread has said. It takes more balls to get through the dark periods than it does to go headfirst into the tractor trailer's gas tank. And please, take DD's advice and find someone to talk to.

 

HH, you have to find those positive things, such as softball/baseball season, celebrate them and let them outweigh the bad. Give them the power and start to build yourself up from there.

 

I've always been a half-full person, but when your day begins at 5:45 a.m. with Mrs. Editude saying our old lug of a Lab got out of the side yard (I found him 15 minutes later eating trash up the street; it's trash day), continues with poor news on the family health front, includes a four-figure kick in the teeth about a financial matter and has a bunch of friends being laid off in an industry where we're all strangely vulnerable, I can see the down-is-the-new-up view. It's hard to be an adult, and as others have said it takes real strength and maturity to avoid the arrows as much as possible and carry on.

 

You are a very intelligent and hard working person. Keep looking for a better work environment. You might not find it in 10 days or 10 months, but you will find it.

They key is to keep looking and do not stop.

I am guessing that girl who just moved out will need you again, and I am guessing the time will be very soon.

My father passed away when I was 30 (I am 39 now), and there is not a day I don't wish I could ask him something.

 

At least she's not pregnant...yet. Seriously. Could be worse, keep your head up. Say some prayers.

 

Did you ever think about telling your wife to go fuck herself? Wouldn't hurt.