'Depraved masochist enjoys following the news'

OK, so which one of you is Richard Petrillo?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/depraved-masochist-enjoys-following-the-news,33849/

In the past, sources said, Petrillo only gratified this unsettling need for punishment in the privacy of his own home, where he consults the internet, television, and various news magazines to find out about the world’s most pressing issues. Now, however, he often engages in his perverse behavior publicly, using a smartphone to see what’s currently happening in Syria, Egypt, Greece, Russia, and even North Korea.

 

I'm the Area Man who knows all the shortcut keys.