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Deodorant? WTF?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Bubbler, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member


    "Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen."

    I decided to switch from gel to solid deodorant.

    Effective though it is, I decided a few weeks ago that I was sick of gel. I'm tired of turning my armpits into a used up vagina everyday. But I waited until my last gel deodorant ran out before I made the switch.

    That happened today. So I dutifully went out to choose my new brand.

    That's when I found shit like this ...


    And this ...


    And a lot of variations on this ...


    Kind of like someone who's re-introducing themselves to dating after being out of the game for 20 years, I'm way out of my deodorant element.

    The marketing of deodorant is pretty funny if you think about it. On the men's side, there's all of these brands trying to appeal to one's macho manliness, as if deodorant is going to suddenly grow your dong another six inches. On the female side, the vast majority of the deodorants are marketed as kind of throwback to the 50s vision of what a woman should be. Genteel. Fresh. Not in your face.

    You see this battle of the deodorant sexes in the contrast of colors in the deodorant aisle. Pinks and light blues for the females backed up against the silver-and-black attack in the men's section. Muscle car vs. Volkswagens.

    It amuses me that deodorant companies think I need to confirm my manhood via deodorant. It's as if every single one of these companies are run by the shallowest motherfucker on Earth, whose shallowness is only surpassed by his two-inch dick insecurity.

    What else explains why a deodorant would be named Swagger? Or After Hours?

    Fuck. Does everyone who wants to smell good a fucking dimwit? I felt like a douche just looking at most of them.

    Who knew there were so many variations of the concept of EXTREME! Who knew morons would want to smell EXTREME! Isn't the idea to not smell extreme?

    I liked Axe Anarchy. Most anarchists I've known of didn't really care about personal hygiene. While I respect Anarchism as a political philosophy, a great majority of people who practice it aren't people I want to smell like. Then there's the whole connection to punk. To me, the smell of anarchy is boogers (thanks John Lydon), down on their heel hotel rooms and fish-and-chips. Never mind that bollocks.

    Then there's Old Spice. I love their ad campaigns. Some hilarious non-sequitarian shit in them. Cool.

    But just because I laugh at Greg Jennings banging his lady while scoring a touchdown doesn't mean I'm going to buy deodorant emblazoned with the words, "Ice, Wind and Freedom!" I'm not going on a fucking Arctic expedition, I just want to smell acceptable.

    Even those with somewhat muted titles looked like they were pulled straight off a Ed Hardy shirt. Right down to the BAD ASS! type face.

    Put off by many of the brands, I gave serious thought to buying good old dependable Speed Stick (by ... Mennen). Then I remembered that Speed Stick sucks balls.

    So I bought some Dove shit that was about as non-offensive as can be, probably intended for octogenarians. But I'm OK with that.

    Non-offensive. That's the idea, right? I want my armpits to be non-offensive. Those with extreme armpits can fuck off.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  2. Bradley Guire

    Bradley Guire Well-Known Member

    I find Degree solid to be adequate without being pretentious or full of Ed Hardy/Affliction douchery.
  3. Norrin Radd

    Norrin Radd New Member

    If possible, ask the wife to choose.

    Wash your hands of the decision.
  4. ifilus

    ifilus Active Member

  5. buckweaver

    buckweaver Active Member

    Degree man here, too.

    I tried all sorts of brands when I was a teenager. (Thankfully, Axe didn't exist then.) Had a hell of a time finding one that kept me dry; grew up in the South and was usually drenched by 9 a.m. most days in the summer. Learned quickly to never wear a white/gray/light-colored shirt on a date.

    But Degree worked best then and works now.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  6. Buck

    Buck Well-Known Member

    Whatever's on sale.
  7. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    Old Spice, red, original.

    Why the fuck would anyone use gel?
  8. KYSportsWriter

    KYSportsWriter Well-Known Member

    I'm an Old Spice guy, too. Used to use Axe when I was younger, mainly because an ex of mine loved the shit and said I smelled awesome when I used it, but I hate that shit now. Just give me Old Spice and I'm good to go.
  9. Versatile

    Versatile Active Member

    Axe spray is repugnant and so 2003. If I saw a guy spraying himself with Axe, I would assume he was a date rapist, a time traveler or both.
  10. Brian

    Brian Well-Known Member

    I sweat at a prodigious rate. Like a David Foster Wallace rate. And break out in a rash with about 80 percent of the deodorants. The extra-strength Old Spice stuff works best for me. The Fiji smells great.
  11. The Big Ragu

    The Big Ragu Moderator Staff Member


    I have been using it for at least the last 20 years. Laugh if you want. It's a roll on. It is "powder fresh scent," which sounds about as manly as a basket of kittens covered in glitter. But it's my stuff. And I am about as brand loyal to it as any product there is.

    For a while, they stopped making it (at least I think they did -- unless there was a run on Ban roll on powder fresh scent that made it impossible for stores to stock it), and it became harder and harder to find. Then, ond one day I was in a store near my sister's house, about 60 miles from home, and I saw shelf full of them. Fearing that it had been disappeared forever, I bought every last bottle -- what amounted to a 2 + year supply. Before I ran out, they had started appearing on the shelves again, and everything has been copacetic since.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2014
  12. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member

    I used it because the stick/solid deodorant was drying me out to the point where I was getting sores from it. I have pretty sensitive skin and the gel cooled it as well as prevented odor.

    But its run its course.
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