Dedicated to Jani Lane, your five favorite hair metal bands

Ozzy gets way too much leeway for his Black Sabbath days.

Solo Ozzy from '85 or so onward was definitely hair metal.

 

Ozzy Osbourne, to Rolling Stone in 1990:

"Every group that has long hair and a guitar gets classified as heavy metal."

My list:

Metallica
Slayer
Motorhead
Black Sabbath
Iron Maiden

 

Not hair bands: Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, Van Halen, Ozzy, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Megadeth... My argument would be that if the band had significant commercial success before or after the hair band era, it's not a hair band.

Hair bands: Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, White Lion, Great White, Warrant, Britny Fox, LA Guns, Kix, Bullet Boys, Babylon AD, Mr. Big, Tesla, Cinderella, Skid Row, Steelheart, Extreme, Nelson, Europe, Firehouse, Enuff Znuff, Winger, Y&T, Slaughter, Faster Pussycat, Dangerous Toys, Badlands...

The best hair bands?

5. Poison
4. Whitesnake
3. Cinderella
2. Skid Row
1. Ratt

 

They were all poseurs at one point or another.

 

Heavy metal is a lot different than hair bands...

 

I dunno. Ratt had success before the hair metal era too. Round And Round is from, what?, 1984?

And I'd say Motley Crue launched hair metal because they were the first to achieve commercial success from its conventions with Theatre Of Pain. Poison was essentially a poppier tribute band that came a year later.

Bon Jovi? Definitely a hair band. They didn't achieve mass popularity until they became one.

 

Bon Jovi also sustained that popularity longer than any of the hair bands... Hell, they played the local arena recently and sold out the place at over $100 a ticket. Somehow I don't think White Lion or Whitesnake could do that today.

 

Rudy Sarzo?

 

Have you seen the movie "Whip It" (the roller derby movie)? Stryper is prominently mentioned.

 

Lots of "hard rock" and "heavy metal" bands on here that aren't hair bands.

I won't get all Klosterman* here and try to define the genres, but as someone who grew up in the era, only two "hair metal" bands were worth anything:

1. Cinderella
2. Skid Row

The rest? A few good songs here and there, but way too much cheese. Not enough meat.


* -- I mean no disrespect in that reference. Before he turned himself into a basketball "expert," I loved Klosterman's books and SPIN articles.

 

Where are you when I need you? My girlfriend refuses to admit that this butt rock was shit simply because she grew up with it. Umm, we grew up with Cadillac Cimmarons and K-Cars and I really have no interest in getting one of those again either. Not everything from your youth is good, ya' know...

 

Since some of you people are KILLING me...

The lone guideline, and I dare you to find many exceptions: If your entire (male) band ever posed in full-on makeup, you are hair band.

Crue: Yes.
GNR: No.
Metallica: Hells no.