Dear Chuck Klosterman...

First off, I must apologize I am about 5-6 years behind the curve. I finally am reading Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. I read a portion of it two years ago when I spirited it out of my then-not-yet-boyfriend's duffel bag while he was showering in a Fairfield or Courtyard or somesuch outside Memphis. But he only showered so long, and I never picked it up for myself despite chuckling out loud at least four times in that 10 minutes.

So I bought it a couple weeks ago. I've read it whenever I'm in a reading mood. Hell, "Hard to Forget: An Alzheimer's Story" by my journalistic god, Charles Pierce, arrived today from Amazon and I haven't cracked it yet. I feel both intrigued by your book (you see things I never thought of) and troubled (you see things NO ONE'S ever thought of).

But I'm mostly intrigued by your deconstruction of your relationships and inability to love (well, that and the Real World). I see the little vignettes between chapters, and I see you putting up walls even as you break them down for us. And I wish I could be slightly more like you in that I give my heart away as if it were candy on Halloween, and it has done nothing but harm me.

So then I came across your 23 questions. And I want to answer them, even though I have no idea what the right answers are. I'm assuming the 'right answers' will be the opposite of what I give. But to hell with it.

1. Yes.
2. Never.
3. Skull.
4. No, because not even a gorilla should have to play for Al Davis.
5. No. Collarbones will heal, my eardrums never would.
6. Hells no.
7. Times: Cancer. Post: Sasquatch and Loch Ness.
8. No. He'd just have to put up with my obsessions too.
9. Depends on if Alyssa Milano has read it first.
10. The first.
11. I'd finish. If she's dead, she's already dead. 20 minutes later? Still dead.
12. $6.72.
13. Trick question. One of them wants to kill another, so I'd just spend my 15 minutes watching that happen. And drinking.
14. As long as they're not fat and orange and love lasagna, I think they'd enjoy it as much as I love Maury, which shows the worst of my species.
15. Another trick question. I already live my life as the "after" of that hypothetical.
16. No way. I'm always in favor of postponing the inevitable.
17. No past.
18. Europe. I'd need to talk, and more opportunity to do that in a year.
19. She muttered my father's name while she was moaning.
20. The indy. Truth is always better than fiction.
21. Earlier, with someone different. That way, by the time I sleep with the guy I lost my virginity to, I'd be better at it.
22. The second. As long as no one believes the truth, it can't hurt me.
23. That. Would. Be. Awesome.


And I was all wrapped up in these questions, wondering what the right answers would be, what your towheaded little self was thinking as you asked each of these. Until I got to Chapter 12.

Anyone who would utter or type the following sentences -- "There was a time in our very recent history when it was 'interesting' to be a Star Wars fan. It was sort of like admitting you masturbate twice a day, or that your favorite band was They Might Be Giants." -- could never be anyone about whom I would wonder what they thought.

And then, a little part of me died. And my intrigue turned to a slightly tumbling unease in my gut. Somehow, the absolute truth of "If Flora from Miami wrote the twenty-first-century version of Anna Karenina, she'd still be known as the loud-mouthed bitch who fell through the bathroom window" has been tainted.

And for that, I can never forgive you.

 

I have no fucking idea of what you're saying. But I'd rather read all 28,066 of your posts in triplicate than attempt reading "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" again.

 

Um, thanks? :-\

 

You're welcome.

 

IJAG's book club might be behind, but it has much better selections than Oprah's.

 

And "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" was the work of unfettered genius compared to his next book, "Killing Yourself to Live."

 

Klosterman had my undivided attention. Hotel room on vacation. Wife not feeling well, needed a nap. Raining pisspots. That book blows so bad. I had to watch shit on TV instead.

 

IJAG, you may remember that many years ago (long enough ago that it's not in the archive, so it was before this incarnation of the board), I went through a period of posting one of the 23 questions in a new thread here each day. They were called "The Klosterman Question: Day 2," etc.

I had drinks with Chuck one time. He's one of those people who, while you're talking to him, you realize his brain is working waaaay faster than yours.

 

What's so weird is that I was just this very second reading two interviews with Klosterman, and thinking about starting a thread about how his debut novel is on the shelves this week. I saw it in B&N yesterday, and I picked it up. For some reason, I put it down. I bought Jeff Pearlman's Cowboys book instead. I own all of Klosterman's other books, but for some reason, couldn't bring myself to buy this one yet, at least not until I read a few reviews and find out that it doesn't suck.

But then, out of nowhere, IJAG starts this thread just when I'm about to start one. Except hers seems to have popped out of a worm hole that travels back in time like five years.

Weird.

 

Yeah, I'm an idiot. I covered that in the first sentence.

It's not news to ANYONE on this board.

 

I attempted to read it three years ago. So I was late on it, too. But I think I paid a buck for it.

 

I want neither of those things, DD. What I want is to have known that he had terrible taste long before I got to Chapter 12.