Dating your ex-spouse - good or bad?

Not irrelevant at all--he pays her $30k a month, per the post-nup. It's complicated--she's paying 100% for the kids (two with special needs) and incapacitated parents and a charitable foundation that she and I are financially obligated to share.

Granted, this is not your run-of-the-mill split, but my point is that it would be easy to take the money and get out. When you're not ready, you're just not ready. And money aside, it sounds like Double J isn't ready.

 

I'm not. I acknowledge that freely, lol.

I also read your story from start to finish, 21, and I can totally relate to what your friend is going through. Thanks for sharing that with me...and thanks for the luck and best wishes, everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

I think that if you are both now willing to try counseling, that's a great sign. You've both had a chance to get a little distance on your issues and if you can find a neutral third party to help you explore them, all the better. I don't think anyone should stay together 'for the kids', but if there are kids in the picture you owe it to them to make sure that splitting up is the right thing to do.

And you know I support any decision you two make. You's is both good people.

 

Echo the counseling suggestion.

Especially given that you said all the women you've dated have had baggage and just didn't feel right to you, BUT what if you had dated a woman in this year of separation that fit all of your needs and you were completely smitten? Then the question arises: Would you still be interested in re-connecting with your ex?

Good luck, Double J. You're a cool guy and you deserve to be happy.

 

It's not just that they've had baggage, per se, because we all have it, whether we have kids or not.....stuff from our past that we continue to deal with in the here and now. I think what's more important is how you carry or manage that baggage.

I've worked hard, as I said, to maintain good relations with my ex. But I keep running into people (not just women) who are so full of anger and bitterness toward their ex, for whatever reason, or they have unresolved custody/support issues that invariably prevent them from being able to move on. I understand that drama happens, but needless and repeated drama is something I'd rather do without if at all possible.

What I've found about my wife is that we've been able to talk without a whole lot of fear about upsetting each other. For a long while, a lot of what we said or did just hurt each other, pissed each other off. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Friends would say, "how are you and Mrs. Double J getting along?" I would reply, "we get along great now. We haven't gotten along this well in years." They would invariably ask, "well, is there a chance you could work things out?" and I would always say no. But now it's me asking that question of myself, and I can't give myself the same answer.....

 

In the end, Double J, it doesn't matter what your friends say or what you read on a message board -- and I'm sure you know that and know this -- but the only important things are how you feel about your wife and how she feels about you.

I think counseling is a great idea, if that's what you guys decide is best. If you've got hope for a relationship you've invested so much of yourselves -- not to mention everything else -- into over the years, I'd do my best to not bail on it completely until you know there's nothing left.

I'd be willing to bet you'd regret not taking the chance to reconcile the relationship a whole lot more than you would should the attempt fail.

 

Forgiveness is the first step. If you can't forgive then you won't make it.
I've told my ex's that I can forgive, but I can't forget.
They are ex's for a reason. It's taken some time to get over them, but I'm OK.